You Cannot Erase Your Past: Healing Generational Anger

"It’s very hard for me to explain what the problem is that I have with Eleazar."

"When I met him, he told me he had a very difficult childhood. He carried immense anger toward his parents, and when we decided to formalize our relationship, he chose to erase everything he absorbed from them and build a new life with me," Liat shared.

"So? Do you feel like you’ve succeeded?" I asked.

"We both have respectable jobs. We built a home and have wonderful children. Over the years, he has behaved completely differently from his father, and as he promised, he has never raised a hand against me or the kids."

"So where is the difficulty?" I asked.

The Violence That Does Not Disappear

"It’s true that he is calm and restrained, but I see how he fills up with anger, even though he insists he isn’t angry. Then suddenly, if things do not go as he wants, he explodes. He shouts loudly, throws objects, and breaks things that are important to him. He disconnects from me and the children, as if we do not exist."

"I told him, ‘You are just like your father, only in a different form of violence.’

"When we first met, he promised he would erase everything he learned at home and build something new, detached from the sick house he grew up in. That is why I expect him to go to therapy, to erase the old house and build a new one," Liat said in despair.

"I am not sure that approach will be effective either," I replied.

"Not effective? Then what can eliminate the violence he is bringing into my home?" she asked angrily.

You Cannot Erase Your Roots

"First, it is important to understand that every person has a natural tendency to replicate the home they grew up in. This is called generational transfer."

"To fight this tendency, Eleazar has learned to press the brakes harder than his father did. But his emotional roots are still saturated with the violence he witnessed as a child."

"So what is the effective way?" she asked.

"First and foremost, your position against any form of violence must be absolutely clear."

"At the same time, beyond strengthening his self control, he needs deeper therapeutic work that will allow him to reconnect with his roots."

"Reconnect with his roots? That is the last thing I would want," she reacted sharply.

"He will reconnect with them, and there he will learn to illuminate the positive parts he received from his home."

"But how can something so dark be illuminated?" she asked quietly.

Finding Light in a Dark Story

"First, he must receive full acknowledgment of the pain and anger that surface within him. No child should endure violence, especially not from a parent meant to protect and nurture them."

"Alongside this, he will slowly begin identifying small points of light. He will search for moments that reflected his parents’ deeper intentions, the positive elements they did bring into his life."

"Liat, try to remember. Did he ever mention anything good about them? A meal they prepared, a gesture, something small but meaningful?"

"We need to understand their inner emotional world. I am certain they did not bring him into this world in order to harm him. They failed in their expression, and their true intentions became buried beneath emotional wounds. This does not justify their actions, but it does create a path toward healing."

"It is very hard for me to find those points," she whispered.

Redefining the Past

"Let us say he cannot find a single point of light in them. Can you see positive and enlightened qualities in Eleazar?" I asked.

"In Eleazar? Of course. He is incredible. He cooks beautifully, he is kind, generous, sensitive, and considerate. If I made a list, I would find so many good traits. There is a reason I married him," Liat said, her face softening as she spoke.

"If he can connect the positive qualities within himself to his parents, he will understand that even the good within him has roots there. This is how he can fulfill the commandment to honor his parents. This is how he can redefine the home he came from."

"Redefining his childhood home in a positive light will be far more authentic than trying to build a new home through artificial opposition to his nature."

"He often tells me he feels like a stranger in our home," she admitted.

"If he builds your home as a continuation of his parents’ legacy, but in a refined and illuminated way, he will feel more at peace. The ability to hold both good and bad at the same time is a sign of emotional health."

This column was inspired by a lesson from Rabbi Ephraim Ehrenberg of the Higher School of Soul Studies.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor