Finding Your Voice: Communicating Even When You Feel Ignored

Before I begin our weekly story, I want to ask you something.

Imagine I am writing to you right now, and I know in advance that none of you are really paying attention. Imagine I know that no one will take my words seriously.

How would that feel?

Even as I write, knowing my words will fall on deaf ears. It would feel discouraging. Frustrating. Even humiliating.

Now let me ask you another question.

What do you think Moshe Rabbeinu felt when Hashem told him that Pharaoh would not listen to him, and yet he still had to go and speak?

The Torah says, “You shall speak all that I command you… and I will harden Pharaoh’s heart… and Pharaoh will not listen to you.”

Imagine being sent on a mission where you are told in advance that you will not be heard.

What was Moshe feeling? What was happening inside him?

To understand this, I want to share a story and introduce an important concept in marriage and communication.

A Common and Painful Pattern in Relationships

There is a very common dynamic in relationships that causes deep frustration and emotional distance. If we become aware of it, we can spare ourselves tremendous pain and misunderstanding.

A few weeks ago, a couple came to my clinic. I will call them Nechama and Zvulun.

Nechama spoke first. She described how difficult the marriage felt to her. When she finished, I turned to Zvulun and asked, “How do you feel about what your wife just said?”

He answered calmly, “I don’t see the point in responding. She won’t listen to me anyway.”

“What do you mean she won’t listen?” I asked.

“Nechama never truly listens to what I think or feel. She’s not interested in what I’m going through. She’s busy with her complaints and frustrations. Over the years, I’ve learned to stay quiet. I manage on my own and expect as little as possible from her.”

He said this without anger, without even a sigh. He seemed completely disconnected. No expectations. No hope.

I looked at him and asked gently, “Help me understand. What does it mean that she doesn’t listen seriously?”

“It means she is caught up in herself. It doesn’t matter what I explain. She insists on her position.”

“I understand that,” I said. “But how did that lead you to decide to remain silent?”

Zvulun responded sharply, “I explain myself so she will accept what I say. If she doesn’t accept it, what’s the point?”

Those were the words I was waiting for.

Why Do We Really Speak?

“Do you hear what you are saying?” I asked him. “You are saying that the only reason you explain yourself is to create change in Nechama. You want her to understand, to accept, to soften.”

“Of course,” he answered.

“Could there be another reason to explain yourself?”

“What other reason could there be?” he asked. “My wife is angry. I want to calm her down.”

“Do you want to live like a button that gets pressed, reacting only to the pressure applied?”

Zvulun was quiet. The idea was new to him.

“But if I explain and she doesn’t accept it, what is the point?” he repeated.

“What is the point?” I responded, again with a question.

I stayed silent. I wanted him to discover the answer himself.

After a few moments, he said slowly, “Maybe I explain myself because I want to be a human being. To be honorable. To express myself in a way that feels right to me, regardless of how others respond.”

I smiled.

The Concept of Differentiation in Marriage

What Zvulun touched upon is known in relationship counseling as differentiation.

Differentiation means that I take responsibility for my field, my behavior, my words, my emotional conduct. I do not tie my identity or my choices to the reactions of the person across from me.

If my spouse reacts in a certain way, that is her field. It is not mine to control.

The more we refine this boundary between what is mine and what is yours, the more stable and mature we become. We stop being managed by others and begin managing ourselves.

Interestingly, when one partner becomes less reactive and less controlled by the other’s responses, the other partner often begins to regulate themselves more thoughtfully as well. Manipulation loses its power when it no longer produces the desired reaction.

Returning to Moshe and Pharaoh

Now let us return to the question with which we began.

What did Moshe feel when he knew Pharaoh would not listen?

Perhaps the answer is this: Moshe’s responsibility was to speak because Hashem commanded him to speak. His mission was not dependent on Pharaoh’s reaction.

Moshe did not speak in order to guarantee success. He spoke because it was the right thing to do. Because that was his role.

This is the essence of emotional strength.

My place is to express myself with dignity and integrity, regardless of how the other person responds. I am responsible for my words and my conduct. The other person is responsible for theirs.

That was Moshe’s greatness.

And it can be ours as well.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and the founder of a training school for couples counselors.