When Generosity Leads to Expectations: Navigating Relationship Imbalances

“I feel like this just isn’t working,” Sara said in despair.

“Yuval does everything for me. There’s nothing I ask for that he doesn’t do immediately.”

Yuval turned to me, clearly frustrated. “If she feels hopeless, imagine how I feel. Do you know how much I do for her? I bought her a new car. We moved near her parents even though I dislike the area. I took her on a two week cruise for her birthday. There’s no dream of hers that I haven’t fulfilled. And in the end, she’s still not happy.”

He paused, then added angrily, “She’s ungrateful. Show me one of her friends who gets even a fraction of what she receives.”

Sara’s eyes filled with tears. “I feel terrible about this. I don’t understand. He gives me so much, and instead of feeling fulfilled, I feel this tightness inside. Maybe something is wrong with me.”

Is It Really Ingratitude?

I asked Yuval, “Outside your marriage, do you see this pattern of ingratitude in Sara?”

“Not at all,” he answered. “She grew up in a home where gratitude was essential. She’s appreciative with friends, family, and at work. It’s only with me that this happens.”

So perhaps the issue was not ingratitude at all.

I suggested another perspective.

The Flow of Giving and Receiving

When a person is healthy, there is a natural flow of energy in and out. There are no blockages. But when something becomes blocked, like a blood vessel, it creates danger and imbalance.

The same is true in a healthy marriage.

A relationship thrives on a living flow of giving and receiving. When one gives and the other receives, and then the roles reverse, there is vitality. There is movement. There is connection.

Yuval reacted quickly. “So she’s receiving too much and that creates a blockage? Maybe I need to stop giving.”

“Actually, the opposite,” I responded.

When Giving Is Really Pleasing

“Your giving, Yuval, is not pure giving. It is appeasing. And appeasing is taking disguised as giving.”

He looked confused.

“When you bought the house she dreamed of, you did it because you wanted her approval. You wanted to feel like a good husband. Internally, you were hoping to receive appreciation and validation.”

Technically, Yuval was giving. But emotionally, he was seeking something in return.

Sara could feel that.

That is why she did not feel full. She felt pressure instead.

The Breakdown No One Sees

There is often a major confusion in relationships between what appears on the outside and what is happening internally.

Outwardly, Yuval looked like a generous giver. Sara appeared to be the receiver.

But internally, Yuval was also in a receiving position. He wanted appreciation, admiration, validation. He was waiting for emotional return on his investment.

If both partners are in a receiving position, there is no flow. A vacuum is created.

As long as giving is motivated by a need for validation, the other partner cannot truly receive it.

This is why some couples feel emotionally blocked, even when one spouse seems to give endlessly.

Marriage Is Not a Transaction

In business, you give in order to receive.

In marriage, when giving is driven by the expectation of something in return, even emotional return, the relationship becomes transactional. And transaction creates blockage.

Yuval’s work was not to stop giving. It was to stop seeking his sense of worth from Sara.

A spouse cannot be the primary source of your self validation. That is not their role. When you expect that from them, you place pressure on the relationship that it cannot carry.

Learning to Give From Love

I then turned to Sara.

“You are not simply ungrateful. A part of you senses something inauthentic. That creates discomfort.”

Repair begins when both partners identify the psychological need driving their behavior.

When giving becomes pure, not driven by the hunger for approval, it feels different. It is lighter. Freer. Filled with love rather than expectation.

And when that shift happens, the natural flow between giving and receiving can finally return.

A healthy marriage is not built on grand gestures or expensive gifts. It is built on emotional authenticity, mutual responsibility, and learning how to give without secretly trying to take.