When Marriage Feels Off Track: A Torah Path Back to Unity

“This isn’t how I envisioned our marriage. I thought Sarah was happy to marry a husband dedicating all his energy to studying Torah. You wanted to marry a scholar. Isn’t that what you wanted? You even said it on our first date,” Yuval said.

“Yes, but the wisdom remained within the walls of the yeshiva,” Sarah replied sarcastically.

“I wish I had listened to my mom. She had intuition and told me to check carefully,” Yuval added.

“Your mom, your mom, just like a baby. When are you going to outgrow this? Consulting her all day and doing everything she says and thinks. It’s simply unbearable,” Sarah burst into tears.

“You’re just jealous. It hurts you that I have a good relationship with my mom. You wish you had a good relationship with your mom, but you don’t,” Yuval responded."

At this point, I asked them to pause.

A Torah Blueprint for Marriage

“Yuval, let’s pause for a moment and look together at the parsha of Ki Teitzei. In Ki Teitzei, there is a mitzvah that serves as a significant basis for shared married life: ‘When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out to war or be charged with any matter; he shall be free at home for one year and bring happiness to his wife whom he has taken.’"

The Sefer HaChinuch mentions four things that happen in the year that a person marries his wife:

1. To accustom one's nature with her, one nature.

2. To attach his will to hers, so that the man's entire will should be bound to his wife alone.

3. To imprint her image.

4. And every action within his heart.

“The first year of marriage is a year for building a foundation and ground for a strong and true marital bond. Based on all the conversations we’ve had so far, it seems you didn’t invest your energy in the first year properly. Now you have the opportunity to start afresh.”

“Start afresh? After all these years we’ve been married?” Yuval interrupted.

“What connection? Do you really believe we have a connection?” Sarah shot back.

Building a Second Nature

“Yuval, by fulfilling these four principles, a second nature should develop within you. The nature of anyone else, including your mother, should feel foreign to you, as your essence and Sarah’s need to be unified, and all your thoughts should be absorbed in her, allowing you to become ‘one flesh.’"

“To achieve this, devotion is required, and it can only be realized if all three levels of the soul are unified and aligned in the same direction, with no conflicts.”

I explained that the soul operates on three levels.

The Instinctual Level

“The bottom level is the instinctual. These are the forces that bring potential into actual actions. This can be achieved through habit and spending a whole year together, during which your nature with Sarah becomes one.”

The Emotional Level

“The middle level is the emotional. All of Sarah’s actions will be engraved in your heart. You will love what she cooks, how she arranges the house, how she talks to you, and you will love everything she does just as she does it.”

The Intellectual Level

“The top level is the intellectual. You need to engrave Sarah’s image within the essence of your soul, so that there is no image of any other woman, not even your mom. This is both a physical and internal perspective, a sort of reprogramming of your consciousness.”

The Crown Above It All

“Now let’s move to what stands above the three levels of the soul: the crown."

“Your will must be directed solely toward Sarah. The will is the crown, encompassing above intellect and knowledge. By spending time together, her will adheres to you until it becomes your will, and then there is one will. One crown for both of you."

“With this devotion, you can create for Hashem a dwelling place in this world, and the Shechinah will dwell in your home.”

Starting Again, Even After Years

Marriage is not sustained by assumptions or early declarations. It is sustained by intentional attachment.

Even if the first year was not built correctly, it is never too late to build a new foundation. Deep roots can still be planted. A sturdy, lasting structure can still rise.

“Therefore,” I concluded, “your work now is to build a new foundation, with deep roots that will allow you to raise a strong and enduring home for many generations.”

Inspired by the couple’s workshop of lecturer Riki Shapira, School of the Soul Studies.