Breaking the Cycle of Conflict: A New Perspective on Relationships

One of the more puzzling yet common phenomena in relationships is this: two genuinely good people, respected by everyone around them, end up causing deep pain to one another.

When you speak to one partner, they quickly explain how the other’s behavior is damaging the relationship. In their view, if only their spouse would change, everything could improve. As for their own behavior, they often see it as a direct reaction to what they are experiencing.

So what is the truth?

Generally speaking, both perspectives contain truth.

Two Sides of the Same Conflict

Imagine a husband who complains about his wife’s behavior.

He describes frequent criticism, anger, and a tense atmosphere at home. As he speaks, it sounds convincing. He feels attacked and emotionally punished. According to him, this environment makes it difficult to want to return home after work.

When asked about his own behavior, he explains that he sometimes comes home late because he dreads walking into tension. He delays his return, finding distractions to avoid the discomfort.

Now consider the wife’s perspective.

She feels hurt and rejected because her husband comes home late. She interprets his lateness as lack of interest or lack of love. Her anger and criticism, she explains, are reactions to feeling ignored and unimportant.

In truth, both are right.

Couple conflicts often operate in a circular pattern. Each person reacts to the other, and over time, the cycle strengthens itself. Trying to determine who started it or who is more at fault usually leads nowhere.

Understanding the Cycle

How, then, can couples break free from this painful loop?

The first step is to release a one sided view of the conflict.

Take a moment to think about your most common argument. Now try to imagine how your partner would describe that same argument. What is their emotional experience? What are they afraid of? What pain might be driving their reaction?

Real growth begins when we recognize that our partner is not acting out of malice, but out of hurt or fear.

When this shift happens, communication changes.

A Different Way to Speak

For example, the husband might say:

“I understand that you feel hurt when I come home late. I do not want you to feel unimportant. At the same time, when I walk in and feel immediate anger and criticism, it makes it harder for me to want to come home earlier.”

Or the wife might say:

“I understand that my anger makes it hard for you to walk through the door. I do not want to push you away. But when you are late, I feel forgotten and tense, and by the time you arrive, I am already overwhelmed.”

This type of communication reduces defensiveness. Instead of attacking, each partner acknowledges the other’s pain while expressing their own.

From that place, couples can begin to brainstorm solutions together instead of standing on opposite sides of the battlefield.

Moving Toward Growth

Breaking the blame cycle does not mean ignoring problems. It means understanding that both partners are often reacting to each other’s pain.

When we shift from “You are the problem” to “We are stuck in a pattern,” we open the door to meaningful change.

And when good people stop fighting each other and start fighting the pattern, real growth becomes possible.

Avraham Sheharvani is a couples and family counselor, addiction therapist, lecturer in family studies, a member of the Israeli Association for Couples and Family Counseling, and a consultant in the Peace at Home Department.