When Love Turns Into Control: Facing Fear in Your Marriage

“Maybe something is wrong with me? I realize I need to stop trying to manage him, telling him what he should do, and fixing him constantly, but I just cannot help it. I feel a gap between what I understand and what I am actually doing,” said Nurit in despair.

“Nurit, it sounds like something inside you feels very controlling.”

“I feel that if he is not religious and does not find a respectable job, we will not be able to stay together.”

“I hear how important it is to you that he behave in a way you believe is right. But when you are busy engineering him, you are not allowing him to be who he truly is.”

“Because I know that if he brings his true self into the relationship, I will have to divorce him, and then my whole life will fall apart. What will I do without him?” Nurit asked.

“You are trying to control him by forcing a persona onto him that is not really him. You are placing him in a role that eventually he will try to break free from. It is time to let go of control and deal with what comes. It is likely not going to be as terrible as you imagine.”

“But I am scared,” she said, beginning to cry.

Fear of Losing Control in Marriage

“Scared of what?” I asked.

“I am scared that either he will leave me and I will be alone, or that I will leave him and be alone. I no longer know who he is, what he is, or what will happen to my life,” she cried.

“It sounds like when you fear losing control, you immediately feel powerless. This situation makes you feel stuck, and your emotions are controlling you."

“Nurit, how do you try to calm the fear that he will leave you, or that you will have to leave him?”

“I think it is because I do everything I can to encourage and guide him so he will become the man I want and am prepared to live with. I feel like I am giving my all for this to succeed,” she continued through tears.

“Nurit, when you are ready to let go of control, it will be a proactive step, a conscious decision. Then you will truly be able to steer your life and reclaim your power to choose. This will help you escape the violent place you have entered in your soul.”

“Violent?” she asked in surprise.

When Control Becomes Emotional Violence

“Forcing someone to change because of your fears is a very violent place to be. It is not done consciously, and you are such a sensitive and gentle person. No one would describe you as aggressive. But it is important to understand that imposing your will on someone is controlling."

“You are doing this because you are afraid to face reality. So you try to create an illusion of control. It is no coincidence that the last thing you truly feel is in control of your life.”

Many people struggle with this dynamic in relationships. We think that if we can just change our spouse, improve them, or guide them in the right direction, everything will be fine. But in truth, this attempt to control often comes from deep fear and insecurity."

Healing the Soul Through Imagination

“The way to correct this place in your soul and achieve real release is to wear the diving suit of D'miyoneveh. With it, we can dive into the depths of the soul and begin to listen to and release the voices and feelings that are stubbornly anchored there.”

“How will D'miyoneveh help me?” she asked, curious.

“What drives you is your fear of facing fear and other negative emotions. Your controlling behaviors are ineffective and even harmful escape mechanisms. We need to dismantle those.

“Through the process of D'miyoneveh, you will be able to face your fears instead of running from them.”

“But how will imagination help me?”

“By using the space of imagination, you can approach your feelings indirectly and without threat. You will discover that alongside the fear that controls you, there are other emotions that also deserve space in your soul.”

“I really cannot understand why it is so hard for me to face my negative emotions,” she said.

“That is human nature. It is hard for all of us. We avoid confronting negative emotions not because they are bad, but because we experience them as absolute. We feel they take over our entire soul and threaten us."

“In this process, you will encounter additional emotions that can communicate with the fear. You will develop the ability to hold multiple feelings at once and stand before your negative emotions without fleeing. When you stop escaping, you regain your power of choice.”

Choosing Freedom Instead of Fear

Letting go of control in marriage does not mean giving up on your values or ignoring real problems. It means recognizing when fear is driving your behavior. It means learning to face painful emotions without trying to control the other person in order to feel safe.

When we stop trying to force change from the outside, we can begin real change from within. That is where true healing begins. That is where we move from fear to choice.

Inspired by the D'miyoneveh method, the School for Healing the Soul through Imagination.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor