When Our Expectations Fade: Understanding Relationship Dynamics

One of the biggest challenges in relationships that leads to frustration, distance, and the feeling of not having a partner is the unfulfilled expectations. There are many reasons why people get married, and one of the main reasons, which not everyone is eager to admit, is to receive from their partner.

Naturally, at the beginning of marriage, when excitement is at its peak, there is a desire and willingness to do things for each other, to make each other happy, and in turn, the act of giving provides strength for ongoing mutual effort. Moreover, one doesn’t even feel the difficulty, even though giving involves effort. However, as the years go by, the excitement diminishes, and so does the giving, the willingness to compromise, and the desire to give to the partner.

"We have no expectations..."

These reasons lead many people to a point where they stop expecting anything, coming from the place of: "If there are no expectations, then there are no disappointments." I remember a case where a couple married for 13 years came to me, and when I asked them about their expectations of each other, a deafening silence enveloped the room. A long moment of embarrassment until it became clear that their situation was so dire that they had already stopped expecting anything from each other.

The truth is that it’s hard to say there are no expectations; it would be more accurate to say that there is no desire to ask the partner to do things for me or to wait for something to change soon. However, there is always that inner place that "silently cries out," coming from an expectation to fulfill a need.

Every relationship must be built on a structure of expectations, even if it does not fully materialize; the important thing is to have a flow of giving and receiving throughout.

So why do we really stop expecting?

There are several reasons why there might be a lack of responsiveness from the partner. The main one is the protection of self-esteem: the Rambam (Mishneh Torah, Introduction to Chapter Chelek) writes that the greatest need of human beings is to be appreciated. Self-esteem is the most precious thing for us, as it relates to our mindset and our functioning in daily life. A person who is not appreciated is like a car without fuel. You cannot operate healthily and effectively without appreciation. This explains why many times there is a lack of response from our partner, as they feel they are not good enough (i.e., their self-esteem is hurt).

For example, a woman asks her husband to spend more time on their relationship, to show that she is important to him, etc. If a husband, regarding his self-worth as a husband, feels somewhat inferior, he will most likely interpret her words as criticism that he is not fulfilling his role as a husband. Consequently, his response will be in accordance with that.

What should we pay attention to?

To succeed in this not-so-simple task, we must adhere to two important rules. The first rule is to prepare the ground by boosting our partner’s self-esteem in the area where they might feel hurt, especially if the wording is not right. Continuing with the example of a woman asking her husband to dedicate more time to their relationship, if she presents her concerns by saying: "You know, I am fed up! I’ve been silent for so long, but how much longer can I stay silent?! I feel like I’m living with a stranger. You barely communicate with me, not to mention a kind word. I can’t live like this!" – her husband will feel like a bad husband. Uncaring, inconsiderate, unresponsive, a person for whom his wife is not important. If those are the messages he hears between the lines and within the lines, his self-esteem will be hurt, and the reaction will be counterattacking. Therefore, at the beginning of her talk, she should boost this part of him by saying things like: "My husband, you know, you are a special person, you have a good heart, you are sensitive to others, and I know that I am important to you" (It is important to note that the compliments do not have to be fully true; it is enough that there is some truth in what is said, or else the partner won’t believe it). These words will give him the place and feeling that he is a good husband. From that place, it is likely that the message conveyed afterwards (if delivered correctly) will be accepted and may even lead the partner to want to fulfill the request of the person who reached out to him.

The second rule pertains to what is professionally known as "I" messages. "I" messages describe the negative feelings we are experiencing and our expectations of the partner while speaking about ourselves, not about our partner, aiming to neutralize any feelings of guilt or criticism on the part being addressed (which usually leads to counter-accusations, withdrawal, or any reaction that is the opposite of what we wish to achieve), and to lead them to a place of attentiveness and receptiveness.

So how do we do this practically?

When I want to raise an expectation from my partner, I will start by stating the facts that led me to have this conversation, meaning the sequence of events that caused me to feel negatively, after which I expect a different conduct from them (it is important to state this because if we start right away with the negative feeling, the partner may not understand how we reached that feeling or conclusion).

After that, I will describe my feeling to connect my partner with me, so they can feel me and empathize with me (I won’t say that he hurt me with this certain statement, but rather that I was hurt by that statement).

Then I will make my relevant request to ensure that what happened does not happen again or ask for something so that our relationship becomes better, and so forth.

It is important to add how good I will feel if the expectation is fulfilled, and how grateful I will feel and want to do for them because of their responsiveness to my request.

When adhering to these rules, relationship communication (and interpersonal communication in general) reaches very high levels, allowing for the management of relationships at a high and fulfilling level.

Remember: If there are no expectations – there are no successes!

Rabbi Eliyahu Nakash is a couples therapist and psychotherapist, and the chairman of the "Shalom Bayit" organization.

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