Navigating Relationship Challenges: A Guide to Meaningful Connection

"Honestly? I don’t understand why we’re here at all. She doesn’t really want to change. She brought me here just to show you how wrong I am. We’ve done this so many times, with so many therapists; what could possibly be different this time?" Gabriel asked.

"Maybe that’s the main issue? You don’t really know me. I feel like I’m living with a stranger. It’s like there’s a thick wall between us, and this partnership of ours feels so forced," Anat turned to him.

"Forced?" Gabriel fumed. "You don’t have to be with me; if it were up to me, we could end everything today," he responded.

"See? He never stops hurting me. How can I trust someone who keeps hurting me like this over and over?" Anat turned to me.

"If you really want to work on this relationship and fix it, you’ll need to shed those survival suits you both wear with me," I replied.

"Survival suits?" Gabriel asked.

"A real connection requires intimacy; otherwise, there’s no genuine meeting happening here," I answered him.

"That’s what I’m saying, there’s no intimacy between us. He doesn’t feel me," Anat complained.

"It’s really hard to connect when we’re wearing our survival suits. We’ll learn how to truly meet here and reveal your true essence. The essence of the power resources that connected you both," I replied.

 "Do you really believe this is possible, with all this mistrust between us?" Anat asked.

"The basic condition for a meeting is your genuine willingness to meet and fix the relationship. If you are interested in connecting, we can do this. I’m here to ensure the meeting is safe, despite the mistrust existing between you," I answered.

"I really don’t understand what’s been between us for 20 years," Anat mumbled to herself.

"Look, it often seems like you’re doing a lot of things together: going on vacations, out to restaurants, socializing, and you think that’s how you strengthen your relationship. But it’s possible that neither of you truly knows what the other is experiencing."

"So what do we actually need to do?" Gabriel asked.

"The first step is to get out of the mindset that there’s an objective truth in your experiences. That mindset leads to the thought that there’s one true experience and the other’s experience isn’t valid. We’ll learn to meet each other’s worlds. This will allow you to connect from a place of resilience rather than pain, helping to regulate the wounds between you within the entire couple dynamic," I replied.

"What’s not regulated between us?" Gabriel continued asking.

"Each of you is filled with burdens, difficult emotions, and traumas. That creates pressure on the whole system. A healthy system is one that can regulate itself."

"What’s the way to regulate this system?" Anat asked.

"By each one feeling that they are not alone," I replied.

"Oh, I get it. If we understand each other, we won’t feel alone, and then the system will be regulated," Anat responded.

"Anat, you don’t really have to understand to meet. It could even be that you will never truly understand Gabriel’s world."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because it’s based on perceptions and beliefs that are very different from yours. Therefore, the meeting shouldn’t be based on understanding. It should be based on the ability to develop the skill of hosting, where you learn how to invite someone to be a guest in your world; and on the skill of being a guest, where you let go of what you think of each other without prejudgments and judgments, arriving whole and completely clean like tourists."

"I feel like many times I’ve shared my world with Anat and told her that it’s really important for me that she gives me more attention, that she respects me in front of my friends..." Gabriel began to share.

"But that’s not a meeting. That’s not how you host. You put her in a role, you burdened her with responsibility, and made her do the heavy lifting in your world. In this way, she isn’t a guest."

"So how am I supposed to host her?" he asked.

"You can share with her. What does love look like in your world? What pain exists in your world? What loneliness? If she feels you are putting responsibility on her, she will quickly don her survival suit again because she’ll feel like you want to drain her," I answered.

"How can I be so exposed in front of him? He’ll judge me right away and be critical," Anat complained.

"That’s why I’m here; I’m safeguarding this space between you. If I notice he’s heading in the wrong direction and not hosting properly, I’ll make sure to stop and correct him."

"When he tells me how hard it is for him and how much pain he feels in his world, I immediately feel guilt; I know myself. After all, why is he sharing with me that it’s hard for him? It’s hard for him because of me," she continued to tear up.

"In the meeting we have here, when you’re being a guest, it’s important that you share with me if you feel guilt. Because when you feel guilt, you’re no longer with him; you’re with yourself.

"What we’ll do is practice this several times until you learn how to do it correctly. 

"When you learn to truly meet, you can move from this constant argumentative dialogue that always defends itself, to a real meeting where you can truly explore and visit one another’s worlds. This way you can bring the relationship to real healing, and you’ll have a new compass for communication, intimacy, and closeness."

Hana Dayan [email protected]

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