When It's Not Just the Kids Who Need Help

"Do you know how much we are appreciated? I have established a huge kindness operation to help those in need, I have 500 employees spread throughout the country," Hadvah said proudly.

"Nataniel, do you manage this kindness operation with her?" I asked.

"I prioritize responding to the children and the household, and I also help her with various logistical parts when she needs me," Nataniel replied.

"And how do the kids fit into all of this?" I asked.

"That’s why we came to you, help us solve the problem with our children. I feel like the kids are developing all sorts of 'quirks', and we need to fix it as quickly as possible before it’s too late. Don’t get me wrong, we enrolled them in the best educational frameworks, they have the finest clothes, we ensure their education is solid, and they speak politely. Until recently, they represented our family excellently. Recently, they have started embarrassing us, each in their own way," Nataniel replied.

"What about boundaries?" I checked.

"Nataniel is a champ at this; he’s with them every step of the way and knows how to set limits. He doesn't allow them to stray off track, and if they lose direction, he knows how to correct them in a way that prevents it from happening again," she answered.

"And what about you? What’s your relationship like with the children?" I asked Hadvah.

"During the week, I work until very late at my business, I usually come home between eight and nine in the evening, and on weekends, I'm completely exhausted, hardly getting out of bed. Nataniel handles everything with the kids so I can relax and recharge," Hadvah replied.

"Nataniel, what do you feel the kids are missing, in your opinion?" I turned to him.

"That’s the whole problem; if I discovered something they were missing, I would provide it immediately. Blessed be Hashem, they have everything, and even the best: clothes, food, the best frameworks, and most importantly – boundaries. Honestly, they lack nothing," Nataniel answered.

"I agree with Nataniel, and I support him in everything; we have a very strong united front against the children. We’ve read a lot of books on education, and yet something has gone wrong here. I don’t understand what, maybe it’s those friends they are hanging out with. We need to figure this out as quickly as possible," she said.

"It’s truly amazing, this unity between you. You have one common goal that you are focused on. You are united against the kids, and you have a real shared vision. It seems that you have a wonderful partnership, and you both really love each other," I remarked. It truly did seem wonderful.

"Right, we really do love each other," Hadvah replied.

"We can’t do without each other," Nataniel added.

Nataniel and Hadvah continued to detail for me why they felt their children were starting to develop all sorts of difficulties. After hearing all the specifics, they told me, "We want to hear your opinion."

"First of all, your unity and connection are truly impressive. You have achieved and built together a kindness operation and an esteemed family. The places where the children start exhibiting troubling behavior are actually warning signals. These signals are symptoms that will worsen, and you may find yourselves in a situation where your children just want to escape from home."

"But we give them everything, why would they want to escape? What are we not providing?" Hadvah asked.

"You aren’t really providing them with a home. There’s no closeness here, no love, no real connections. It’s not the children who need therapy; it’s you who need guidance and support, otherwise, the cost will keep increasing."

The more I continued to explain to them, the more I felt their bubble began to burst.

"We’re trying to fix things, what exactly are we doing wrong?"

"As I said earlier, you have a very strong shared goal. The problem is that it’s not a real goal, nor is it good for building a family. It’s a goal that is driven entirely by each of your needs to appear normal. This is a powerful drive and need that both of you share. You could even say that you are being driven by this urge in a way that prevents you from seeing the true needs for building a real home."

"What do you mean driven?" Nataniel asked.

"We all have such a need to be normative, to look good in front of society. We are social beings, and that’s wonderful and even healthy as long as we are aware that it’s something entirely external and not unified with our true selves," I responded.

"What do you mean?" Nataniel asked.

"Let me give you an example: There could be two people wearing impressive suits. One really believes in it; he feels that this attire is his life, and it’s hard for him to see himself without it, making him feel respected. The other wears it because he understands that due to his role, he needs to wear a suit. It doesn’t hold any significance beyond that for him.

"The moment we let our souls live according to appearances, it becomes a terrible prison. It creates a situation where we can lose the ability to think clearly about what we truly want. That’s why, right now, all your actions are being driven by how society will perceive and accept them. This is the point of connection between you. This is where your shared vision revolves only around one goal: how to navigate life while being perceived as respectable and normative people.

"And for this image, each of you is receiving from the kindness operation you built, your children are paying an unreasonable price."

"I feel you’re right, but this makes me feel really lost. What are we supposed to do?" Nataniel asked.

"First, it’s important for you to understand the emotional point upon which this strong need for image rests, and then we can start building the journey toward your true desires in life," I replied.

"What is this based on for us?" Nataniel asked.

"For you, Nataniel, it’s based on fear, and for you, Hadvah, it’s based on despair."

"Despair?" Hadvah asked in surprise.

"Outwardly, you don’t seem to show any despair; you’re right. You are a very active, successful, charismatic woman, and your planner is endlessly booked. It’s clear you’d be surprised that I mention despair. But all of your actions are an escape. You are escaping because internally, you feel very hopeless."

"What could I possibly be hopeless about?" she inquired.

"You are desperate for a real connection. You don’t believe that a genuine connection could exist in this world, so you create many superficial connections. This is also why you escape from the relationship with your children; you don’t believe you can create a real connection with them. You think the world is cruel, that it’s all about appearances, and you must conform to that image because that’s the only way you’ll survive."

"You, Hadvah, need to learn to step out of despair, to open up to a real connection, and to rebuild your trust in people. And you, Nataniel, need to rebuild yourself because inside, you are completely shattered and are just holding onto the image. You need to regain your faith in yourself, that Hashem loves you and that you have strengths, abilities, and free will.

"Only after you go through this internal correction can you create a true connection and provide your children with a warm home full of love, health, and unity.

This column was inspired by a lesson from Rabbi Eliyahu Levy from the High School for the Study of the Soul.

Hannah Dayan [email protected]

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