Playing Nice: When Neighbors Disagree Over Backyard Fun

Family Discussion

"Catch the ball! Catch it!", a loud cry echoes from the private yard of the Levi family. "Run faster!", another voice joins in. In the background, the sound of a toy bike whizzes by, accompanied by the delighted squeal of a little one riding it: "Yay!". A moment of silence arrives, followed by a shout: "I won!".

It's Saturday morning. The young boys of the Levi family are energetically playing in their backyard while their mother enjoys a peaceful sleep. Her room is at the other end of the house, and the children's shouts don't disturb her.

"Thank goodness we have this yard," the mother later told her husband, "I work so hard all week, and this Saturday morning rest really recharges me. The kids are busy in the yard, and I don’t hear a thing in the bedroom. This is my one morning a week of peace."

The next day, they found out that not everyone has the luxury of peace...

Tzippy Adler, the neighbor from the building next door, knocked on the door and said, "My bedroom window faces your yard, and every Saturday morning your kids are screaming outside. It really ruins my entire Saturday morning. I'm still resting at that time, and the noise wakes me up. I'd appreciate it if you could keep your kids inside until ten in the morning on Saturdays."

"Let’s see what we can do," Mrs. Levi replied with a forced smile. Once the neighbor left and the door was closed, she said to her husband, "What audacity! This is our private yard! I also rest at that time, and if the kids don’t play outside, I can’t sleep! Does Mrs. Adler's need take precedence over mine?! By what right does she come and demand that we not go into our yard at certain hours? So why did I buy a house with a yard?!".

Mr. Levi understood his wife's predicament. She really needed that rest, but he didn't agree with her. He thought it wasn’t fair to let the kids make noise and disturb the neighbor while she's sleeping. After all, they are responsible for their children. Mr. Levi waited for his wife to calm down a bit so he could explain his thoughts, and maybe they could think of a solution for the situation.

What do you think? Should they help their neighbor when it causes them distress?

The Answer

Mrs. Levi is correct in that, by law, her neighbor should learn to cope with the situation. The neighbor purchased an apartment in a shared building, and therefore should have anticipated some reasonable noise from the neighboring children, and with that in mind, she chose to buy her apartment. On the other hand, when viewed from a moral perspective, the question takes on another dimension.

Ethical teachings tell us that a person should shy away from things that cause suffering to others, and certainly should not enjoy things that bring suffering to someone else. One must not forget that they were created in the image of God, whose essence is to do good for the creation, and how can one act contrary to their nature?

One might ask, while I desire to do good for others, if I suffer as a result, why should I prioritize the needs of another over my own? Why is preventing someone else's suffering prioritized over alleviating my own suffering? Let’s reflect on the actions of our forefather Abraham. On the third day after his circumcision, he received guests. Let’s imagine the pain he was in. Did Abraham suffer? The answer is no. Certainly, he experienced pain that caused him great sorrow, but in performing his act of kindness, he found greater joy. The pleasure of living according to the image of God overshadowed all his suffering. Even though a person may experience sorrow, it is ultimately a bodily sorrow, and relative to the spiritual joy that comes from acts of kindness, bodily pain should be considered negligible. Yes, performing kindness might involve some suffering, but in general, the doer of kindness should feel joy in it.

This principle is found in the teachings of our sages – "crowned your friend". At the Musar home "Kelm", they explained that the intention of "crowned" is not about honor, but rather it means to nullify one’s desire before others. So if Mrs. Shimon is willing to set aside her desires for the neighbors, in order to honor them to the highest degree – to actually crown them, that would be a great merit for her. Even though sometimes the other party might not be right, one should still crown them and do their will. It is true that the evil inclination argues against a person wanting to crown their fellow, claiming that there is weakness in submitting to another. Yet, there is value in honoring the image of God in the other, and surely there is merit in this.

Mr. Levi needs to convey this message to his wife, reinforcing her understanding that this is the essence of humanity, to do good for others, and in this way educate their children, so that all will want to contribute to the welfare of others.

Weekly Exercise for the Family

Each person should choose one family member they will accommodate for a week in a situation of conflict.

From the book "The Duty of Man in His World - Issues of Character for Shabbat Dinner". To purchase books in the series, visit Hidabroot Shops or call 073-222-1250