Handling Insults: Wise Advice for Tough Moments

How should we address insults according to *halacha*? Here are some wonderful pieces of advice from the book *Pele Yoetz*, entry 'Insult', authored by Rabbi Eliezer Papo, zt"l.

1. Do not insult anyone from Israel

Our sages, may their memory be a blessing, said (Ethics of the Fathers 4:3), "Do not despise any person, for there is no person who does not have an hour [of merit]."

They mean to say that even someone of low stature should not be insulted or cursed, for their kingdom is under the authority of Hashem (Pesachim 116a). All the more so for a Jew, one should not insult any Jewish person, for man was created in the image of Hashem, and whoever insults a Jew insults the Divine Presence, Heaven forbid. As our sages said (Sanhedrin 58b), "One who strikes the face of his fellow is as if he struck the face of the Divine Presence."

2. A person should reflect on their own flaws

There is no place to insult anyone from Israel, as we wrote earlier in the section on loving one's neighbor. A person should only despise themselves, as one should rightly see themselves as lowly because they recognize and acknowledge their own flaws. The way of the world, however, is the opposite, as people easily notice the flaws of others while overlooking their own (Nega'im 2:5). People tend to scrutinize their friend's faults and immediately judge them negatively but seek excuses for their own shortcomings, thinking that their actions are pure and righteous, with no one like them in the entire world.

Rabbi Zamir Cohen - Lessons for Life from the Ethics of the Fathers: The Value of Humility

3. Do not judge by the quantity of the sin, but by the greatness of the King who commanded it

It is not the right way, rather it is fitting for a person to judge everyone favorably and seek ways to find merit for themselves. If they commit a slight sin between themselves and Hashem, or between themselves and others, they should elevate it in their eyes and not seek to diminish or minimize it, as the ethical writers teach that one should not look at the quantity of the sin, but rather at the greatness of the King who commanded it; for whatever offense a person commits is considered rebellion against the King of Glory.

4. "I have done no good deeds"

And if one has studied much *Torah* and has performed many commandments and good deeds, everything should seem small in their eyes compared to the weight of their obligations according to their understanding, their ability, and the measure of their shortcomings and the lack of care in fulfilling things properly, with intention, awe, and great joy as it is commanded. Therefore, one should always say with both mouth and heart, "I have done no good deeds."

5. Do not be proud

Especially at times when others honor him, he should strengthen himself not to be proud, and at that moment he should say to himself, "I know that I am not worthy." He should see himself as more despised in his own eyes than any of the creations, even more than animals, for all create no offense to their Creator like him. All the more so, he should feel more lowly than little children who have no sin. Even though he has commandments and good deeds as well, he should always consider that perhaps the loss is greater than the gain. And our sages have said (Ta'anit 20b), one should not behave with contempt toward any person in the world, for all are the handiwork of the Creator of all; everything that Hashem created in His world, He created for His honor.

6. Rejoice in suffering

And if others insult him, he should not be upset at all and should not engage in a fight; rather, he should lower his head and say, "This is my sign that I am despicable and vile before the Creator because of my sins, and He has sent me to be humiliated by this man because Hashem told him, 'Curse.'" On the other hand, he should rejoice in his heart, because Hashem preferred to humiliate him with such light afflictions, which bear no financial loss, rather than to neglect sin and canonical punishment; and great honor has been granted to him from Heaven, provided he accepts them with love and is happy with such suffering. Our sages have said (Gittin 36b) that concerning such people, Scripture says (Shabbat 5:12), "And those He loves, He causes to shine as the sun in its might."

Rabbi Zamir Cohen - Why Does Hashem Bring Suffering to a Person?

7. Be cautious of ingratitude

Moreover, one must be especially careful not to be ungrateful and not to insult someone who has benefited from them, even in the slightest, in any way... For Moses, peace be upon him, did not strike the Nile because he benefited from it, as it is written (Exodus 2:3), "And she put him in the basket at the edge of the Nile," and likewise, he did not strike the dust of the earth because he benefited from it when he buried the Egyptian. Certainly, one should treat with respect anyone who has helped him intentionally, ensuring that their love remains eternal.

And even if his friend insults him, he should maintain his spirit and do everything he is required to do, and he should not say, "As they have done to me, so will I do to them, and I will pay them back with harsh words," for transgression is in their hands, and it does not absolve him; rather, it causes them to lose much good. Therefore, he should remain humble and view himself as worthless and his soul as dust, to the point that respect and disgrace should be equal in his eyes. This is the measure of humility, blessed is the one who reaches this level, for there is no measure better than this.

8. Respect the honor of parents and scholars

And all the more so, one must be careful not to insult those who deserve honor, such as a father and mother, as it is written (Deuteronomy 27:16), "Cursed is he who dishonors his father and mother." The authorities have written (Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De'ah, 336) that although they said (Kiddushin 32a), "If a father forgives, his honor is forgiven," this applies only to honor but not to disgrace. Woe to the sons who are rebellious, who act with contempt towards their parents and make them suffer. Woe to those sons on the day of judgment and the day of rebuke.

And likewise, the one who humiliates his teachers. One who insults a *Talmid Chacham* is liable to excommunication. It is said in the Talmud (Sanhedrin 100a), "To what extent is it considered an insult to a *Talmid Chacham*? For example, if he says to them, 'Those rabbi's opinions.'" All the more so if he speaks about them in an erring manner. How careful one must be when writing about the words of our holy rabbis, whose stature is greater than ours, that if one does not understand their words, they should believe sincerely that if it is empty in them, it is due to our lack of understanding their depths, and they are esteemed as our teachers from whom we have drunk and to whom we owe our lives. Therefore, one must be very careful when writing about their words to write with great honor, like a student who stands before his teacher on the ground, and always sees himself as having something to learn from them, trembling and blushing, and be cautious not to burn with their coals lest he be harmed.

9. Be careful with the honor of every person

And learn how far the boundary of insulting is, for it is written (Exodus 20:23), "And do not ascend by steps to My altar, that your nakedness should not be exposed upon it." If the *Torah* is so careful about the honor of the stones of the altar, which cannot see or be upset, how much the more so should one be cautious before their father and mother, their teacher, a *Talmid Chacham*, etc., not to sit before them in a dishonorable manner. It is known that under duress, it was permitted for a son to recline before his father on Passover night, but before his teacher, it is not permitted even on Passover night (Pesachim 108a).

And it is known that the incident where his teachers recognized him as a *mamzer* (illegitimate child) for walking before them and treating them with disrespect. This is mentioned in *Avot D'Rabbi Natan*, see there (midrash *Kalah* Rabbati, chapter 33). A wise person should worry and reflect on this and be very careful about the honor of every person, especially the honor of those who deserve it. In this way, the honor of scholars will flourish (Proverbs 3:35).

Further Reading on the Subject

Faith Test: Coping with Criticism and Insults from Society

On the Insults of the Dating World: The Girls Who Are Always Told No