Caught Between Two Voices: The Night She Found Her Own

This week I would like to share a fascinating email that recently arrived. I asked the listener for permission to publish it, and she agreed on condition of anonymity.

The following is her story, presented almost exactly as she wrote it.

The Listener’s Letter

Dear Radio Kol Chai and Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger,

I would like to share an interesting experience I had last night. I feel a need to tell this remarkable story and to express my gratitude.

On the program, the rabbi spoke about a woman who felt torn between her husband and her mother, unsure whose voice to follow. You asked where her own voice was in the story and shared an example that illustrated the point. I would like to tell you how this message played out in my own life.

We heard that my sister was about to become engaged, and my parents asked us to be ready to come later in the evening to celebrate with drinks.

Before continuing, it is important to explain that my husband comes from a very different background than mine. I grew up in a home where Torah, fear of Heaven, and holiness were central. My husband, by contrast, lives more openly and freely. He enjoys life, entertainment, and making money, and I often find myself caught between two worlds, filled with frustration, confusion, and many questions.

My husband wants to go out and enjoy ourselves, while I want to invest in the home, pray, bake challah for Shabbat, and live in that spirit. Again and again I find myself torn between the idea of a righteous woman fulfilling her husband’s wishes and the voice inside me that says, "That is not why we came into this world."

The same conflict appears in the way I dress. My husband prefers a style that does not match the standards I grew up with. Time after time I give in and buy clothing according to his taste. He is happy and satisfied, but I feel trapped in those clothes, as if I am in a cage that I built around myself.

A Night of Confusion

When my parents called to remind us about the expected engagement celebration, the struggle returned. I did not know whether to dress as my husband preferred or according to the standards of the home in which I was raised. The difficulty felt doubled, knowing that I would soon be visiting my parents.

In the end, I dressed according to my husband’s wishes. Seeing how happy it made him felt good, but after about twenty minutes I suddenly remembered that I would soon be at my parents’ house. Fear washed over me. I felt I could not face my family like this and did not know what to do.

I called the rabbi and asked for guidance. The rabbi answered decisively that I should act according to my husband’s wishes. I hung up feeling strengthened and confident, and even enjoyed the beautiful clothes.

But after half an hour the fears returned. I called another rabbi and received the exact opposite advice: "You must not depart from the tradition in which you were raised." I felt overwhelmed by the confusion. The tension exhausted me.

A Message at the Right Moment

By eleven o’clock we were still waiting for the long anticipated call from my parents. Then I turned on Radio Kol Chai and heard the rabbi’s program.

The program opened with the very story about a woman who did not know whether to listen to her husband’s voice or her mother’s voice. I felt as if a message from Heaven was reaching me, telling me that these words were meant for me.

The insights I gained felt like cool water to a thirsty soul. Suddenly I understood how little space I had given myself in this story. What would it help to ask one rabbi or another if I myself was filled with doubts and did not know what I truly wanted? I do not believe there is a commandment in the Torah for a woman to erase herself.

For the first time, I began asking what was right for me, what I truly felt, and what was good for me.

The most surprising part was that the clearer I became about the way I wanted to dress, the more my husband accepted my position. I realized that my constant uncertainty had allowed him to push harder for his own preferences.

An Unexpected Gift

In the end, my parents never called. The engagement did not take place after all.

Yet I felt that I had received a revelation and a gift from Heaven. I suddenly understood the meaning of the phrase "the world was created for me." Everything that seemed to revolve around my sister had actually been meant for me, to help me take another step forward in life and learn to hear my own inner voice.

Thank you very much for the enlightening program. I felt I had to share this experience. May the rabbi continue to bless the people of Israel.

Afterword

That concludes this week’s story. There is little to add except to thank the listener for sharing such a sincere and meaningful experience.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and the founder of a school for training marriage advisors.