Navigating Relationships: Finding Your Voice Amid Family Expectations

This week, I want to share with you a fascinating email that recently arrived. I asked the listener for permission to share, and she agreed to do so anonymously.

Here’s what the listener wrote, word for word from her message.

Dear Radio Kol Chai and Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger, I want to share an interesting experience I had last night. I have to unload this amazing story, and also express my gratitude.

The rabbi spoke on the program about a woman torn between her husband and her mother, not knowing whose voice to follow. They asked her where her voice was in this whole story, and you shared an interesting story in this context. I would like to tell a story that has happened to me in all of this.

We heard that my sister is about to become engaged, and my parents asked us to be ready to come over later in the evening to celebrate with drinks.

Before I continue with my story, it’s important for the rabbi to understand that my husband comes from a completely different background than mine. I grew up in a home where Torah, fear of Heaven, and holiness were everything. But my husband, according to his background, conducts himself openly and freely, enjoying life, having fun, and making money, and I find myself constantly caught between a rock and a hard place with frustrations, confusion, and many question marks.

My husband wants to go out and have fun, while I want to invest in the home, pray, bake challahs for Shabbat, and do all sorts of things in that style, and time and again I am torn between "a righteous woman doing her husband's will" and my conscience telling me, "that's not why we came into this world...".

The exact same story also happens to me regarding clothing: my husband wants me to dress in a way that contradicts the rules I was raised with, and I am again torn and confused, finding myself buying clothes according to my husband's taste. He is happy and satisfied, but I feel trapped in the clothing, as if I am in a cage, and that cage is myself.

Back to last night, when my parents called to remind us to keep in mind that my sister is about to get engaged and to be prepared to come later for drinks, I found myself caught up in this confusion again—whether to dress as my husband wants, or according to how I was raised at my parents’ home, especially since I am supposed to go to them in these clothes, and the challenge is double and compounded. In the end, I dressed according to my husband’s taste, saw how happy he was, and it felt really good, but after about twenty minutes, I suddenly remembered that I would soon be going to my parents’ house, and I would feel differently there and I was suddenly hit with fears. I felt I couldn't face my family like this; I didn't know what to do with myself.

I found myself calling the rabbi and asking what I should do. The rabbi decisively ruled that I must act according to my husband's instructions. I left feeling happy and empowered, and I even enjoyed the beautiful clothes, but after about half an hour, the fears attacked me again, and I decided to call another rabbi. The second rabbi told me completely opposite things: "You must not change from the tradition you were raised on!" I felt like I was going crazy from the confusion; this suffering was exhausting me!

Then 11:00 PM came, still waiting for the long-awaited call from my parents, and suddenly I began to hear the rabbi’s program on Radio Kol Chai.

And the rabbi opened the program with the story about the same woman who doesn’t know whether to listen to her husband’s voice or her mother’s voice. I felt like it was a heavenly voice coming to me, saying: this is for you, listen closely. The insights I reached from these words were like cold water to a weary soul. Suddenly, I understood how much I didn't exist in this whole story, what would asking this rabbi or that rabbi help if I was filled with doubts and didn't know what I wanted? I don't believe there’s a commandment in the Torah for a woman to erase herself. For the first time, I found myself asking what is right for me to do, what will I feel, what is good for me, etc.

The most interesting part was that the more clear I was with myself about the outfit I wanted to wear—the more my husband accepted my position. I realized that all the doubts I always have are what allow my husband to push harder for his desires and needs.

And here I want to conclude the story: in the end, my parents didn’t call us, the engagement fell through, there definitely was no engagement that night, but I felt like I received a revelation and a gift from Heaven. I suddenly understood the meaning of "the world was created for me"; everything that revolved around my sister was actually for me and for my benefit, to take another step forward in life, to learn to hear and recognize my own inner voice.

And here I will conclude. Again, thank you very much for the enlightening program. I had to share this, and may the rabbi continue to bless the people of Israel.

Thus ends our weekly story, and I think there’s nothing more to add, just to thank the listener for what she wrote.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a consultant and founder of a school for training couple's advisors.