Navigating Loneliness in Relationships: A Struggle for Connection

"I feel like Itzik doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. He’s comfortable having a partner who takes care of the kids and organizes the house, but he doesn’t want a real partner. I just annoy him and disrupt him in his pursuits. Every time I try to connect with him authentically, it makes me feel so lonely," Tali began to tear up.

"How can you feel lonely? We go grocery shopping together, attend parent-teacher meetings, and even clean the house together. How can she feel lonely? I don’t feel lonely," Itzik responded angrily.

"He has his own world; he doesn’t share with me what’s happening with him, how he feels, and I feel like he has no interest in my world at all," Tali replied.

"I don’t know how I’m supposed to share more than I do. I don’t get it. What’s wrong with me being busy with my hobbies? If she had hobbies too and knew how to occupy herself, she wouldn’t feel so lonely. I don’t feel lonely. Instead of being grateful for what she has, she’s looking for what's missing. She should start appreciating the good she has, like me. I’m really good, and I thank Hashem," Itzik responded.

"He doesn’t understand me at all," Tali burst into tears.

"Let’s take a moment to understand the whole issue of loneliness and connection, and maybe this will help you, Itzik, to better understand Tali’s needs.

"Loneliness is a pain that Hashem instilled in us so that we would connect with each other and be together."

"He doesn’t feel any pain; he’s like a stone," Tali exclaimed in anger this time.

"Everyone feels pain. The issue is how one chooses to address that pain throughout life. Many times, when we experience a negative emotion, we escape from it and don’t give it space. Just like we treat physical pain – when we feel a physical ache, we immediately run for painkillers instead of sitting with that pain. In the same way, we deal with emotional pain: we escape from it.

"Loneliness is a mental pain that you’ve chosen to escape from, and ignoring this pain allows you to continue functioning as usual, even though you’re hurting.

"Imagine a physical injury to your legs. You can succeed in ignoring the pain by taking painkillers. Is it good to keep running on an injured leg with the help of painkillers?"

"No, of course not. You’re harming yourself in the long term," Itzik replied.

"When we understand that Hashem gave us a gift – the feeling of loneliness – we need to treat it as a springboard. This uncomfortable feeling should, in a correct way, spark in us a strong desire to make connections, to build families, and to create friendships."

"But I got married, built a family, and I have friends. What’s the problem? It means my mechanism is working perfectly," Itzik responded.

"The new loneliness pain that has emerged in your relationship is the pain of dependency. In order to truly fulfill the real purpose of the relationship, you must give this pain a place in your soul. Conversely, when this pain is interpreted as a negative feeling, the soul, as a protection, suppresses an extremely important mechanism for the relationship, just like suppressing hunger. The body starts to feel as though it doesn’t need food anymore, and from there the road to an eating disorder is very quick.

"Actually recognizing your neediness and spending time in that space will create longing and yearning between you. The more you allow yourselves to experience that feeling of lack, the more vibrant your relationship will be, and you will experience love more intensely."

"And how am I supposed to change that?" Itzik asked.

"The change you need to make is to start allowing yourself to connect with and meet that sense of loneliness. This repression is not healthy for your soul, and it also causes you to be disconnected and not understand Tali’s need for sharing at all. Without this, a true connection cannot form between you two.

"Once you begin to open up to the pain of loneliness, you will allow yourself to feel the sense of neediness, and then Tali will be able to feel how significant she is to you and how significant you are to her, creating a genuine connection and relationship."

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

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