Loneliness in Relationships: The Struggle to Truly Connect

"I feel like Itzik doesn’t really want a relationship with me. He’s comfortable having a partner who takes care of the children and manages the house, but he doesn’t want a real partner. I just get in the way of the things that interest him. Every time I try to connect with him in a genuine way, I end up feeling even more alone," Tali said, her eyes filling with tears.

"How can you say you’re lonely?" Itzik replied angrily. "We go grocery shopping together, we attend parent-teacher meetings together, and we even clean the house together. How can she feel lonely? I don’t feel lonely."

"He has his own world," Tali continued. "He doesn’t share what’s happening with him or how he feels, and I feel like he has no interest in my world either."

"I don’t know how I’m supposed to share more than I already do," Itzik said. "What’s wrong with having hobbies? If she had hobbies and knew how to keep herself busy, she wouldn’t feel so lonely. I don’t feel lonely. Instead of appreciating what she has, she focuses on what’s missing. I try to see the good and thank Hashem for it."

"He doesn’t understand me at all," Tali said, breaking into tears.

What Loneliness Really Means

"Let’s pause for a moment and try to understand what loneliness really is," I said. "Perhaps this will help you, Itzik, understand Tali’s needs."

"Loneliness is a form of pain that Hashem placed within us so that we would seek connection with others."

"He doesn’t feel any pain," Tali said bitterly. "He’s like a stone."

"Everyone feels pain," I replied. "The question is how we choose to respond to it. Many times, when we experience emotional pain, we try to escape from it rather than give it space."

"We treat emotional pain the same way we treat physical pain. When something hurts, we immediately look for painkillers instead of listening to what the pain is telling us. In the same way, we often run away from emotional discomfort."

"Loneliness is an emotional pain that you have learned to ignore. Because you push it aside, you are able to continue functioning as usual even though something important is missing."

The Pain That Builds Connection

"Imagine that you injured your leg," I continued. "You might be able to ignore the pain by taking painkillers. But is it wise to keep running on an injured leg with the help of medication?"

"No, of course not," Itzik answered. "In the long run you would only harm yourself."

"In the same way, loneliness is meant to be a gift. It is meant to push us to connect, to build relationships, and to deepen them."

"But I already did that," Itzik said. "I got married, built a family, and I have friends. It sounds like the system is working just fine."

"The loneliness you are experiencing now is different," I explained. "It is the loneliness that comes from emotional dependence within a relationship. In order to fulfill the deeper purpose of your marriage, you need to allow this feeling to exist instead of pushing it away."

"When loneliness is treated as something negative that must be avoided, the soul suppresses an essential relationship mechanism. It is similar to what happens when a person suppresses hunger. Eventually the body begins to feel as though it does not need food, and from there the path toward an eating disorder can develop."

"In contrast, recognizing your need for connection and allowing yourself to experience that need creates longing between you. The more space you give that feeling, the more alive your relationship becomes and the more deeply you can experience love."

Learning to Open Up

"And how am I supposed to change that?" Itzik asked.

"The change begins by allowing yourself to encounter the feeling of loneliness instead of escaping from it," I explained. "Suppressing that feeling is not healthy for your soul. It also prevents you from understanding Tali’s need for emotional sharing. Without that understanding, genuine closeness cannot develop."

"When you begin to open yourself to that inner sense of need, you will allow yourself to feel how important Tali is to you. At the same time, she will be able to feel how important she is in your life. That is what creates a real connection."

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor