They Stopped Talking for Four Days: A Marriage on the Edge

This week I met with a couple, Yoel and Naama, who were on the verge of separation (details have been changed to protect their identities).

For four days they had not spoken to each other. They lived in the same apartment, managed the daily routine, and communicated with the children, but there was no dialogue between them. A thick wall of silence stood between them.

A Wall of Silence

The session began with great difficulty. Neither of them was willing to explain what had happened, as if their very presence was already a concession. Each seemed determined to appear indifferent, trying not to reveal that they actually cared.

After long minutes of silence, Naama finally began to speak. Her voice sounded distant and controlled, yet her tense posture revealed how much emotion lay beneath the surface.

"I don’t know what Yoel wants from me. Something on Friday night drove him crazy, and I honestly don’t understand what I did wrong. I’ve been under enormous pressure lately. Between Purim costumes, organizing a class party for my students, and exam season at school, I felt like I was falling apart. The children were also out of control. All the sweets and the disrupted sleep affected them, and on top of everything, Passover is coming and I feel suffocated."

What Happened on Friday Night

"What happened on Friday night was that the children wouldn’t stop arguing at the table. It was a disaster. My oldest son came with his wife. They were sitting there as a young couple, my daughter-in-law looking polished and put together while I felt like a housekeeper in a messy home. I felt like a volcano about to erupt, so I got up and left the house. I went to my parents’ place just to breathe and release some tension.

"I thought I was acting maturely. Instead of exploding at my husband or the children, I let off steam somewhere else in a controlled way."

"For some reason Yoel reacted very sharply. When I came back that night, he barely opened the door for me, and since then he hasn’t spoken to me for four days. He ignores me as if I don’t exist. And what hurts me most," Naama said, breaking into tears, "is that he does it in front of the children. I treat him normally so they won’t feel the tension, and he won’t even respond. He humiliates me in front of them. That’s a red line for me."

"It’s interesting that you call that a red line," Yoel interrupted angrily, "because that’s exactly what you did to me on Friday night. You punished me in front of the children. You left me helpless in front of the whole family and disappeared."

The Argument Surfaces

"First of all, good morning for talking to me," Naama replied sarcastically.

"If your goal is to settle scores," Yoel said, "maybe it’s better for me to stay silent."

"Who said anything about settling scores? Am I not allowed to express my feelings? Am I not a person?" Naama shot back.

"There’s a respectful way to express feelings," Yoel answered. "What you did on Friday night looked like releasing frustration. I also think you wanted to make a point and educate me, especially in front of the whole family."

"The fact that you interpret everything as being against you is your problem," Naama replied. "I’m describing the emotional distress I’m under, and you immediately turn it into something against you. You don’t make space for what I’m going through."

"Fine," Yoel said. "Let’s accept that. But I still have a question. Why get up and leave without telling me? Why not call me aside and explain what you were going through? Why break everything like that?"

"For weeks I’ve been begging for help," Naama said. "Every Purim evening I asked you to help. Every Friday I asked you and the kids to take responsibility. Only when I explode do things start moving. And even then it’s not real responsibility. It’s just ‘tell me what to do and I’ll do it.’ Do you not see what’s happening? Do I really need to explain every little thing? Is it enjoyable to be the police officer chasing everyone while the moment I turn my back everyone runs to the couch?"

"So you were trying to punish me," Yoel said. "It wasn’t only about needing space. You wanted to shock me."

"I don’t think so," Naama replied. "I gave up on trying to change you long ago. I just wanted to release the pressure in the calmest way possible, without exploding at anyone and without embarrassing you or the children."

What Was Missing

Throughout their story, I felt that something essential was missing: honesty.

It seemed that Naama was avoiding looking directly at herself and saying openly: Yes, there was some intention to educate you. Yes, I needed to shock you. I felt that this was the only way to get your attention.

Honesty is important because the solutions are already in their hands. They know how to reconcile and how to create a peaceful Shabbat through cooperation. But teamwork requires honesty.

Seeing the Dance Between Them

The answer is to observe the relationship as a system and to see the dance between them.

If Naama is not being honest, then Yoel also has a role in maintaining that pattern.

Listening carefully, I noticed that Yoel was focused almost entirely on getting Naama to admit guilt and acknowledge that she had tried to educate him. That was his main concern. He was focused on her rather than examining his own part in what had happened.

Through a systemic perspective, I reflected both of their defenses. Yoel was avoiding self-examination and focusing on exposing Naama’s lack of honesty, while Naama described her distress without admitting that part of her behavior was meant to make a point.

I understood both of them. Neither was willing to look inward because they feared the other would use it against them. Yoel feared admitting fault would invite criticism, and Naama feared honesty would be treated as his victory.

The Courage to Be Honest

Looking at a relationship as a system creates safety. There is no victim and no offender, no controller and no controlled. There is simply a shared dynamic in which both partners have equal influence and equal ability to grow.

In conclusion, I tell couples: be willing to risk being blamed by your partner. Be prepared to overcome your fears and speak your truth. You will only gain from it.

Courage and honesty are the keys to teamwork, and teamwork between spouses is the key to abundance and blessing.

Even if only one of you believes in this approach and your partner is not yet ready, do not focus on them. Focus on yourself. Your positive change will gradually influence the relationship. Do not despair.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and founder of a school for training couples' counselors.