Understanding Relationship Conflicts: The Emotional Struggles of Marriage

This week, I want to share with you an anonymous phone call I received one day.

"Hello and blessings, respected Rabbi," the woman began in a weak voice, "I want to consult about a very personal issue, but it’s important for me to know that this will remain confidential."

After I assured her that our conversation would stay between us, she began to share her story. Of course, all details have been altered for privacy.

"The truth is I don’t know where to start... It’s about my husband... I am really struggling. It’s hard for me," her voice cracked, and I realized she was shedding tears on the line.

I waited in silence, accustomed to situations like this.

After a few moments, the anonymous caller continued, saying: "My husband, I’m embarrassed to say, is not a religious person. F-a-c-t. He has no connection to Hashem. His spiritual condition breaks my heart."

The woman sighed painfully and went on: "My father chose him as a devoted student. He even paid for him with his hard-earned money, and at first, my husband played the role excellently. When we visited my parents on Shabbat, he would wake up early to say prayers and share words of Torah. But at home, he became a different person. Quick prayers alone, never opens a book, and he’s completely immersed in the fleeting pleasures of this world.

"Over the years, as we had children and he understood how deep my financial dependence on him was, he simply abandoned it all. What’s left is just a hat, a suit, and a beard. Underneath that, there’s nothing."

At this point, I stopped the flow of her painful words: "I hear every word. I truly understand your struggle, and I think I might be able to help. But I have one request: that you both come to me together."

"Both of us together?" the woman asked, deeply perplexed. "What does my involvement have to do with my husband's problems? I am a straight and honest woman, Yirat Shamayim, who meticulously observes all laws. The issues are solely his. I have no connection to the situation."

A week later, they arrived at my clinic. The man, Yosef Chaim, sat comfortably, legs crossed, exuding relaxation, while his wife, Rivka, sat tensely, every muscle in her body conveying the enormous stress she was carrying.

I turned to Yosef Chaim and asked, "Why did your wife Rivka reach out for therapy?"

Yosef Chaim shrugged his shoulders and said honestly that he didn’t understand the story at all. "For me, I have a wonderful life, a fantastic wife, healthy children, a respectable livelihood, and I don’t understand what the fuss is about."

"What fuss?!" Rivka exclaimed, "Don’t you know how much emotional pain you’re causing me? The daily embarrassments I endure because of you raise my blood pressure and cause me unbearable stress. What do the neighbors think of a person who never steps into the local synagogue? What will happen with the yeshivas? What seminar will accept Leahla next year? I’m not even thinking about shidduchim…"

"I don’t know what you want from me," Yosef Chaim replied in confusion. "I do know that there are many things I really consider you in, even though it’s not easy for me. You well know that I’ve wanted to switch our car to an electric one, which is more convenient and economical, and only because of your fears about the neighbors, I’m still paying for gas. I don’t know that the Torah forbids driving a comfortable car, but I understand your sensitivity. Look, I also don’t disclose to anyone that I’m studying electrical engineering. What am I really doing? I want to support our home honorably and pay off debts. You perhaps want me to live at the expense of others, but I feel from a place of responsibility that this is not how life should be lived. Even here, I feel that what drives you are not real issues, but social fears, and that’s okay. I’m not pushing you to overcome them, but at least don’t blame me."

* * *

Dear readers,

In my view, there is no such thing as one-sided.

Partners are like interconnected vessels; the water level in both vessels is absolutely the same.

When that woman came to me, I began to explore what her driving forces were in her relationship with Hashem. It became clear that she was driven by powerful considerations: “What will they say”; “How can I maneuver my husband into changing”; “How can I strengthen my students”...

In other words – there is a lot of impressive external activity, but very little, if any, genuine, deep internal connection.

The situation of her husband is actually an accurate reflection, like an X-ray into her heart.

And although it seemed that one side was moral and value-driven, while the other was shallow and self-absorbed – that’s not exactly the case. Upon deeper investigation, even someone who appears very moral can be driven by fears just as much as their seemingly shallow and "selfish" partner.

When couples understand this depth and are willing to look themselves in the eye and do some work, then each begins to build something real, precise, and more connected within themselves.

May we merit to cleanse ourselves from outer shells and connect more and more to the light of truth.

Wishing you a joyful and kosher Pesach.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and founder of a school for training marital advisors.