The Secret Bank Account: What Herzl Discovered After Ten Years

"We have been working together for several months now, and I still don’t know how to deal with everything I have discovered about Naomi. I feel like I don’t know who I married."

"It simply doesn’t add up. She is such a smart, beautiful, principled woman, a kind and devoted mother, and an outstanding manager. How could she have done something like this for so many years?" Herzl said in despair.

Naomi lowered her head and remained silent.

"How can you have nothing to say? Why are you silent? Explain to me why you have been hiding money from our account for the past ten years. Why did you even have a bank account I didn’t know about? You transferred thousands of shekels to your brother and I knew nothing about it. You managed a whole parallel world and I didn’t notice anything. I am furious and disappointed. You are not the woman I loved. You are a monster," Herzl continued angrily."

"This is extremely painful and unfair, and no one deserves to be hurt like this. The trust between you has collapsed, and your anger is understandable. Naomi, I would like to ask whether you are willing to look deeper today and try to understand this mechanism of hiding."

"I really want to," Naomi said quietly. "I cannot explain it even to myself. I am so sorry and ashamed. I never imagined a day would come when everything would explode."

"You did not think about it consciously," I replied, "but your soul cried out for this to come to light. You could no longer bear the gap between the good image you maintain and the emotional pain you carry inside."

"It’s true," she said. "This double life has been like a dark secret inside me for many years, even before I met Herzl."

Two Worlds Inside One Person

"Let us try to understand this inner world where a kind of partition formed and two identities developed."

"On one side there is Naomi the moral and admired woman, an excellent manager, devoted mother, and loving wife. On the other side there is Naomi who hides money and manages secret accounts."

"As you grew and succeeded in life, building a family and taking on responsibilities, this hidden side also grew alongside you."

"In reality, Naomi, you carry the image of a perfect mother and outstanding manager, but inside you feel as if it is only a performance. This gap created a deep psychological divide between your identities, until your soul could no longer bear it. The concealment became more extreme until everything finally came to light."

"How can a person live like this?" Herzl asked. "It sounds like a split personality. Why did she need this? Why didn’t she come to me and ask for help with her brother? I would have helped gladly. I never refused her anything. I always help people. I don’t understand what I did wrong."

"This mechanism existed long before your relationship. In this case, it is not about something you did or did not do. The act of hiding itself served an emotional purpose within Naomi."

The Roots of Concealment

"But why?" Herzl asked painfully. "Did I ever give you the feeling that I would not accept your wishes?"

"The hiding itself is the issue," I explained. "The mechanism Naomi developed began as a healthy defense and later became rigid and destructive. If we understand how it formed, we can begin to dismantle it."

"When a baby enters the world, he is completely dependent on his caretaker. When his mother responds consistently to his needs, he learns that he is important and that the world is safe."

"When the mother does not come immediately, the child learns to calm himself through imagination. He imagines that she will soon arrive with a bottle because that is what usually happens. Imagination becomes a source of comfort and security."

The Protective Power of Imagination

"Consider another example. A girl living in Sderot experiences frequent alarms and constant tension. Imagination becomes a powerful tool for coping."

"She may play with a doll and imagine she is comforting it, or imagine that she lives in a peaceful land filled with balloons and sweets."

"This creates what psychologists call an intermediate space, a space of play where reality and imagination exist together."

"The imaginary world helps her bear a difficult reality. In that world she controls what happens, and this restores a sense of safety and reduces anxiety. This mechanism protects the soul and is therefore very important."

When Protection Becomes Harm

"In your case, Naomi, something additional happened. This protective mechanism turned into a destructive one."

"You shared that you lost your parents when you were still a toddler. At a very young age you were suddenly left alone in the world. This is a severe trauma. A young child has no tools to contain such a loss."

"Very quickly, imagination became an alternative world that allowed you to survive emotionally."

"Escape became the solution to pain. You never learned another way to cope with frustration and distress. Whenever pain appeared, your response was escape and disconnection."

"As you grew older, instead of developing healthier ways to cope, this mechanism became fixed and deeply rooted in your personality."

The Secret World

"So why didn’t it remain harmless imagination?" Herzl asked. "Why did it become something immoral?"

"The mechanism remained the same," I explained, "but the way it expressed itself changed.

"Simple imagination was no longer enough. In order to feel that secret world more strongly, Naomi gradually turned to actions that created a sense of separation and privacy."

"At first it was browsing shopping sites. Then small purchases began without awareness. Over time the behavior grew stronger, creating a hidden world that belonged only to her."

"This secret world became addictive. The more it filled the emotional void, the deeper the void became."

"When you described stealing small items as a child, that already showed how imagination could become tangible. You created an outer world where you were the good child and everyone loved you, and alongside it another world that only you knew."

"The more unusual the secret was, the more it strengthened that hidden world."

Facing Reality

"Why did doing worse things help me?" Naomi asked quietly.

"Because in that inner world there were no limits or rules. Everything was possible. That gave a feeling of freedom."

"This sounds like hell," Herzl said. "Why can’t we just destroy that world?"

"Because Naomi still lacks the tools to contain her emotions in reality," I answered. "She escapes into imagination in order to survive emotionally."

"This hidden world functions like a protective room shielding her from feelings such as frustration, fear, anger, and pain. For her these emotions feel unbearable."

Naomi looked up slowly.

"For the first time I understand something I could never explain to myself," she said. "But how can this be treated?"

Learning a New Way

"The first step is to understand this mechanism of concealment and how it has served you throughout your life."

"Gradually we will learn healthier ways to cope with emotions and to develop a sense of inner presence so that you will no longer need to hide from yourself."

Naomi nodded slowly.

"I admit it frightens me to face myself honestly."

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor