The Marriage That Felt Empty: Six Steps Back to Hope

"I feel like there’s no way out and we’re just going to get divorced," Eden said sadly.

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"I’m completely desperate about this relationship. It feels like I’m the only one carrying the load, and I have no partner here. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve explained, cried, yelled, slammed doors, or even let him sleep on the floor for six months. Nothing helps. I give up." She began to cry.
"Eden, it seems from all our meetings that both you and Nir truly want this relationship. You are both fighting for it and not giving up," I said.

"Yes, you’re right, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not well, you understand? I don’t want to break up the family and lose Nir, but I feel like I don’t have the strength to continue. I wish you could tell me what to do," she replied.

"The situation you’re in is very difficult. It sounds like a state of dryness and lifelessness," I said.
"Exactly. That’s how I feel, like I’m drying up in this relationship, and Nir doesn’t give me what I need."

"In order to overcome despair, we first need to stop blaming external factors. Only then can we understand the structure of the soul and what despair really is. Once we understand that, it becomes easier to develop practical tools."

The Structure of the Soul

According to Kabbalah and Chassidic thought, the soul is structured in levels that flow from above to below.

At the highest level is the crown, the place of desire and pleasure, where the soul’s light shines most strongly.

Below the crown are three additional levels where the light flows downward with decreasing intensity:

• The intellectual level
• The emotional level
• The practical level

Despair occurs when the light becomes weak, sometimes to the point that the lower levels disconnect from the crown, from desire and pleasure.

"But how does that relate to a marriage?" Eden asked.

When the Light Fades

"Do you remember what your relationship with Nir was like when you first met?" I asked.

"How could I forget? It was perfect. He was always pursuing me and wanting to make me happy. I was on cloud nine. Actually, we both were."

"Exactly. At that time the light filled all levels of your souls with great intensity. But over the years you developed intellectual conclusions about Nir and about the relationship. These thoughts weakened the light."

"As the light weakened at the intellectual level, less light reached the emotional level. This reduced your excitement and enthusiasm about Nir and about the relationship."

"And then what?" she asked.

"Then even less light reached the practical level. When there is not enough light at the practical level, you no longer have the strength to cope with the difficulties in the relationship. This is where despair becomes very real and sometimes leads to serious consequences."

"So how can I bring the light back?" she asked.

"There are several tools that help restore the flow of light through the soul."

1. Reconnecting to the Purpose of the Relationship

A direct connection between the soul’s levels and the crown begins with one question:
Why am I here in this relationship?

This question reconnects you to the reasons you married Nir in the first place.

When you forget your original desire, despair becomes stronger. But when you reconnect your own choice and commitment, the light of the crown can once again flow downward into daily life.

2. Strengthening the Power of Thought

Thought helps draw light from the intellectual level into the emotional and practical levels.
Ask yourself:

What is my connection to Nir?
He is my husband.
He is the father of my children.
We have built a home together.
We share countless memories.
He has done much for me.

When the emotional level fills with light, energy returns. Instead of despair, the desire for connection begins to awaken again.

3. Letting Go of Self Interest

When you focus only on what you gain from the relationship or what Nir fails to give you, your attention becomes trapped in grievances.

This prevents you from being truly present and blocks the flow of light into the lower levels of the soul.

4. Presence

When you imagine that life might be happier with another partner, or even without a relationship at all, you are not fully present.

Staying late at work or constantly escaping to friends also creates distance.

When you close these other windows and bring yourself fully into the relationship, the light no longer leaks away. Then there is enough light to illuminate all levels of the soul.

5. Opening Channels for Light

The tools that express the soul are thoughts, words, and actions.

Optimistic thoughts about the relationship, encouraging words, and actions that strengthen the marriage expand the channels between the soul’s levels. This allows the light to flow more freely.
Negative thoughts, cynical speech, emotional distance, and inaction block these channels and prevent the light from spreading.

6. Self Sacrifice

Finally, there is the power of self sacrifice.

Understanding that this relationship is connected to the essence of your existence awakens a deeper strength.

When you dedicate yourself to something beyond immediate desire, simply because you chose it, a deeper inner force appears. This strength does not depend on emotional excitement. It comes from the core of who you are and enables you to continue building the relationship even in difficult times.

(Inspired by the teachings of Dr. Yechiel Harari)

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor