"Feeling Alone in This Relationship: Why Am I Here?"

"I feel like there’s no way out and we’re just going to get divorced," Eden said sadly.

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"I’m completely desperate about this relationship. It feels like I’m the only one carrying the load, and I have no partner here. It doesn’t matter how much I’ve explained, cried, yelled, slammed doors, or even let him sleep on the floor for six months; nothing helps. I give up," she began to cry.

"Eden, it seems from all our meetings that both you and Nir really want this relationship, and you’re fighting for it and not giving up," I said.

"Yes, you’re right, but I don’t know what to do anymore… I’m not well, you understand? I don’t want to break up the family and lose Nir, but I feel like I don’t have the strength to continue. I wish you could advise me on what to do," she replied.

"The situation you’re in is very, very tough, a state of dryness, of lifelessness," I observed.

"Exactly, that’s how I feel, like I’m drying up to death in this relationship, and Nir doesn’t give me what I need," she said.

"In order to overcome the despair, we first need to stop blaming external factors. Only then can we understand the structure of the soul and what despair is. After we understand that, it will be much easier to come up with practical tools to deal with despair.

"The structure of the soul, according to Kabbalah and Hasidism, descending from above to below:

• At the top of the soul's levels – the crown – where a person's pleasures and desires reside, and there the lights shine the brightest.
• Below the crown are three levels of the soul, where this light begins to flow down from level to level, shining less at each level.
• The upper level – the intellectual level.
• The middle level – the emotional level.
• The lower level – the practical level.

"The meaning of despair in the soul – a lack of light, sometimes to the extent of disconnecting the soul's powers from the crown (from desire and pleasure)."

"But how does this manifest in the marital relationship?" Eden asked.

"Do you remember how your relationship with Nir was when you first met?" I asked.

"How could I forget? It was perfect. He was always pursuing me, wanting to be and make me happy; I was on cloud nine. In fact, we were both on cloud nine," she replied.

"Exactly, the lights entered all levels of your souls with great intensity. But what happened over the years? You started creating intellectual insights concerning Nir, regarding his personality, that diminished the lights. These insights further reduced the amount of light that reached the emotional level. This impacted your ability to feel excited and enthusiastic about Nir or the relationship, and further limited the light that should enter…"

"Enter where?" she asked.

"To the practical level. A lack of light at the practical level prevents you from gathering the strength to overcome and handle all the difficulties you have with Nir. This is where a very tangible expression of despair in the relationship emerges, and unfortunately, it often leads to very severe outcomes," I explained.

"So how can I bring back the lights to my soul?" she asked.

"There are several tools that can help with mental work, allowing you to expose and enable the lights to penetrate the levels of your soul," I said.

A. Why Am I Here in This Relationship? Connecting All Levels of the Soul to the Crown

"A direct connection of all levels of the soul to the crown is to ask: why am I here in this relationship?

"The question of why I am here reminds us of the reasons you married Nir. As long as you forget that, it’s easy to become despondent. But if you remember that you committed to a certain desire, which is yours, then the clarification of the 'why' and what you truly wanted helps lower the high light found in the crown to the lower layers of the soul and express it in reality."

B. Strengthening the Power of Thought

"The power of thought brings down the lights from the intellectual level to the emotional and practical levels. What is my connection to Nir? He is my husband, the father of my children, we have countless shared memories, we built a home and a business together… he has done so much for me…

"The moment your emotional level fills with lights, it will energize you more and make you want Nir more, rather than feel despair in the relationship."

C. Letting Go of Self-Interests

"When you are focused on your interests, what do you gain from the relationship? What do you gain from Nir? You are preoccupied with various grievances in the relationship. This keeps you from being truly present in it, blocking the ability of the lights to flow down to the other levels of the soul."

D. Presence

"When you are thinking that maybe with another husband you would have been happier, or perhaps you would be happier without a relationship, preferring to stay late at work or hang out with friends, you are not bringing yourself fully into the relationship, and therefore, less light shines within you.

"When you are present and close other windows, the light doesn’t leak away, and there is enough light to illuminate all levels of the soul."

E. Expanding the Openings for Light Between the Levels of the Soul

"The tools for expressing the soul are the garments: thoughts, words, and actions. When I think optimistic thoughts about the relationship, speak motivational words for building and strengthening it, and do things that promote its success, these three actions shake and expand the openings for light between the levels, allowing the lights to descend and illuminate all the levels.

"On the other hand, negative thoughts about Nir, cynical talks about the relationship, detachment, and lack of action block the lights, preventing them from spreading throughout the soul."

F. Self-Sacrifice

"Understanding that this relationship, which Hashem connected you in, touches upon the essence of your existence. The connection to the essence of existence helps activate the force called self-sacrifice.

"When you dedicate yourself to something that is beyond your desires, simply because you chose it, a self-force emerges that does not depend on illumination from above, but has a direct connection bypassing the levels, allowing you to do many things for the relationship, even if it doesn’t illuminate your mind or emotions, as it touches the essence of your existence."

(Inspired by the teachings of Dr. Yechiel Harari)

Hannah Dayan[email protected]

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