Keeping Score: Why Some Couples Never Stop Fighting

"I feel like all day he’s making sure he isn’t doing more around the house than I am. It’s as if he’s keeping a tally in some notebook, recording everything I do and everything he does so he won’t give more than me. I’m exhausted by it," Miri said angrily.

"A notebook?" Eric responded sharply. "You’re the one keeping a record of every bad thing I’ve done so you can bring it up whenever we argue and make sure the balance is always in your favor."

"I sometimes wish I had married my first boyfriend," Miri shot back. "He was a better match for me. I wouldn’t be stuck in these endless arguments."

Eric turned to me. "We’re not leaving here until Miri agrees to change. The way things are now, it’s impossible to continue. All these fights are draining me. Do you think you can help us stop fighting?"

Is Conflict the Real Problem?

"Stop fighting?" I replied. "Why should you stop? Conflict is human and even necessary. When couples never argue at all, it often means they are avoiding closeness. Avoiding conflict prevents true intimacy."

"The real problem is not the conflict itself but how you manage it. When you come into an argument with fixed assumptions about your partner, when you keep score or try to change each other, you lose your freedom."

"You need to learn how to stay free inside the conflict. Focus on your own reactions and discover what is right for each of you. One of the most important tools in managing conflict is learning not to deny the other person's truth."

Flexibility Instead of Control

"Eric, your strong need to be right in every argument prevents you from being free. You cannot change Miri, and Miri cannot change you. That is rigidity."

"Flexibility means being able to see reality from more than one angle and to accept that different perspectives can exist at the same time. From that place you can become truly assertive."

"You can express your needs without justification, without battles, and without needing approval."

"When you try to decide for each other, you become aggressive. When you allow others to decide for you, you become passive. Freedom within conflict means holding on to your own truth while letting go of the need for power and control. Only then can you meet each other as you really are, not as you expect each other to be."

The Trap of Proving Yourself

"Miri, when you criticize Eric, you may actually be blocking his growth. When you live with unrealistic expectations of yourself, you place yourself under constant judgment, and that also prevents growth."

"Eric, when you feel you always have to prove yourself, when you need the last word and must show that you are right, you are trying to become something unreal, something perfect."

"But we are not perfect. We are whole.

"As long as you feel the need to prove yourselves, you will remain prisoners of your own patterns."

It Takes One to Stop a Fight

"So how do we stop these difficult arguments?" Eric asked. "They aren’t pleasant for us. What can I do if she won’t stop arguing with me?"

"It takes two people to fight," I answered with a smile, "but only one to stop. Are you volunteering, Eric?"

Eric fell silent.

Moving Beyond Black and White

"When we are trapped in rigid thinking, seeing everything as black or white, all or nothing, even a small disagreement can feel threatening. There is no room for complexity or difference, and disagreement becomes unbearable."

"But when you free yourselves from this pattern, your relationship can become richer and more alive. When you grow softer and more flexible, you actually become stronger. Flexibility expands your range and gives you real freedom."

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor