The Wall Between Them: When One Partner Resists Therapy

"We just don’t match," Noa said with frustration. "Rami is so materialistic and shallow. All he cares about is soccer, business, and going out. You have no idea how many times I’ve tried to influence him. I wanted him to pray three times a day with a minyan, to attend Torah classes, to grow spiritually. But he stays stuck in his superficial world. Our outlooks are completely different. We’re opposites."

She paused for a moment and then added, "He refuses to come to couples therapy. Is it even possible to do couples therapy if he doesn’t come?"

What Is Couples Therapy?

"First it might help to understand what couples therapy really is," I replied. "Couples therapy is not therapy for you and it’s not therapy for Rami."

"It’s therapy for both of us," Noa interrupted.

"It’s therapy for the relationship between you," I clarified. "It focuses on the structure of the relationship and how the connection is expressed. Because of that, both partners need to participate and commit to the process. Without that, it is not couples therapy."

"So what can I do?" she asked helplessly. "He won’t come. Maybe I should make it a condition. If he refuses, maybe I should divorce him."

Starting with Personal Change

"What we can do is begin a personal process together," I said. "When you make changes on your side, Rami’s attitude toward you will also begin to change. Personal therapy can help you approach the relationship differently."

"And what about our different worldviews?" she asked. "How can we live with that?"

"Different worldviews are not a problem," I answered. "They can enrich each other when they are communicated properly."

Seeing Rami Differently

"He spends money endlessly," Noa said. "He spoils the children with gifts, takes them to soccer games in Europe, and lives a life of pleasure. He doesn’t even ask me if it’s okay to spend that money."

"The way you describe Rami as shallow and wasteful causes you to experience him as an inferior husband," I said. "It leads you to look down on him. You see yourself as a spiritual person and him as a materialistic one. What drew you to him in the first place?"

"I met him after a very painful crisis," she said. "My previous partner abandoned me and I lost my sense of stability. Rami’s kindness, generosity, and confidence attracted me very strongly."

"I hear that alongside the disdain, there is also a deep point of connection between you."

The Hidden Expectation

"When you describe him as materialistic and careless with money," I continued, "you are also describing a man with a very broad heart. A man who gives freely and generously."

"Deep down, you expected that generosity to lift you out of the place where you felt trapped. His financial stability and confidence gave you a sense of security."

"But over time," I said gently, "you discovered something else. Behind that confident exterior was a frightened and insecure person. When you realized that he could not give you the security you had hoped for, you felt deeply disappointed."

"The disappointment created frustration, and the frustration gradually turned into disdain. You began to see his generosity and indulgence not as strength but as weakness. The very traits that once attracted you began to push you away."

"And so a wall developed between you."

The Wall Between Them

"What does that wall do for him?" Noa asked.

"When you send him the message that everything he built is worthless, it frightens him," I explained. "Feeling exposed and vulnerable is too threatening for him, so he protects himself by becoming emotionally distant. He builds a wall and becomes numb to your feelings."

"I always felt that he became insensitive," she said.

"Not because he is insensitive," I answered, "but because the exposure is too difficult for him to bear. The wall protects him. That is also why he has no desire to come to couples therapy."

Two Sides of the Same Wall

"So what can we do?" she asked.

"We need to learn how to soften that wall. Only then can we work on the relationship."
"But how can I melt a wall he built?" she asked. "That’s his wall."

"The wall has two sides," I explained. "There is his side and there is your side. The part that belongs to you is something you continue to build and maintain."

"I’m building it? He’s the one who built it."

"Let’s try to see your side of the construction," I said. "On your side, the wall is built from disdain. The belief that he is shallow and unworthy and that you cannot truly see yourself as his wife."

Beneath the Disdain

"So what do we do?" she asked quietly.

"Since you are the one here in the therapy room, we will begin with your side."

"The first step is to reduce the disdain. To do that, we must understand what lies beneath it. Underneath disdain there is something deeper: despair."

"The despair that you will never receive what you need from Rami created the disdain and strengthened the wall between you."

"This despair comes from an inner place within you. It is connected to a difficulty trusting that someone can truly give you what you need."

Learning to Trust Again

"As we continue working together," I said, "you will gradually learn to recognize the places inside you that feel empty and want to be filled."

"We will work on trust. On the possibility that with Rami there may exist exactly the kind of abundance you need."

"Perhaps this will be the first time you allow yourself to feel vulnerable from a place of trust. A place where you believe someone can hold you and support you."

"And slowly, we will begin to speak a different inner language from the one that has guided you until now."

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor