On the Brink of Divorce: The Truth They Did Not Expect to Hear

One day I received an urgent phone call from a man named David.

"I need an emergency meeting," he said. "My wife is threatening me with divorce."

A few days later, David and his wife Sarah came into my office.

A Room Filled With Tension

The first meeting was full of tension and anxiety. The unspoken question hanging in the air seemed to be: Who is normal here and who needs help? Who is guilty and who is the victim?

Sarah sat with her arms folded, her entire posture saying, “This story has nothing to do with me.”

David opened the meeting. He could not sit still. He rose from his chair, sat down again, and paced around the room as he spoke. He looked troubled and impatient, unable to hold eye contact for more than a few seconds.

David described unbearable tension at home.

“For months now Sarah has been threatening me with divorce. The situation between us has become harder and harder. We have seen many counselors and everyone has given up, but I have not given up. I want to try again.”

“I do everything she asks,” he continued. “True, I am not exactly a poodle like she would like, but she tries to manage me and I do what I can. She exaggerates with her demands, and I know she will never be satisfied no matter what I do.”

Suddenly Sarah’s phone rang. She opened her bag and pulled out the device.

“You see that phone?” David said, turning to me. “I bought it for her. The newest model. The best one available.”

Sarah snorted. “What is the big deal about that poor little device?”

“Poor device?” David exclaimed. “Is that how you talk?”

“Let’s compare how much you spent on your phone and how much on mine,” Sarah replied sarcastically.

David turned back to me.

“This is how it is all the time. No matter what I do, it never satisfies her. I serve her around the clock and she is never calm.”

"I Am Done"

Suddenly Sarah stood up and walked toward the door. She turned back and said:

“If you came here to talk about my problems, then I am leaving. There is no point in getting help if the goal is to discuss me. It is time for you to look at yourself in the mirror.”

“Sarah,” David said gently. “I did not mean to say you are wrong. I only wanted to explain that I feel helpless because I am trying my best and you are not satisfied. I want guidance to understand what I am doing wrong.”

“It did not sound that way,” Sarah answered coldly.

“Please give it a chance,” David pleaded.

“I am no longer willing to hear another word of blame from you,” she replied. “You need to understand that you are the one who must change. As far as I am concerned, I am done. I see no point in continuing this relationship.”

David turned pale.

“Sarah, I demand that you return to the room,” he said, trying to sound firm, though his voice trembled.

Why Are You Here?

“May I interrupt for a moment?” I asked.

“Of course, Rabbi,” David answered eagerly.

Sarah remained silent, standing by the door.

“I want to hear from each of you why you are here.”

David sighed.

“We have been married for eight years. It has always been difficult, but somehow we managed. Recently the difficulty has become unbearable. Sarah often leaves the house without warning, sometimes with the children and sometimes without them. This happens at the worst possible times. Before holidays or family events I suddenly find myself alone.”

“Notice,” Sarah interrupted. “You are talking about me again instead of talking about yourself.”

“Right,” David said quickly. “I just wanted to explain the situation. Now I will talk about myself.”

David’s Struggles

“As Sarah says, I have many problems,” David admitted. “I have difficulty maintaining stability at work.”

“In the early years I studied in yeshiva, but the responsibilities at home made it impossible to keep up. I had to take the children to school every morning. Sometimes one of them was sick, and I missed learning. Eventually I had to reduce my hours.”

“In the evenings I worked as a sofer, writing sacred texts, but I struggled there too. I could not focus on projects because everyone at home needed my help. Clients became angry when I missed deadlines and I felt constant stress.”

“So I left that job and became a rabbi at a school. I thought that a structured schedule would help me, but it only got worse. I was late to school and came unprepared. I felt embarrassed in front of the students and the administration.”

“My wife always said I had attention deficit disorder and wanted me to take Ritalin. I felt the problem was emotional, but I tried it anyway. It did not help. It only made me anxious and took away my appetite.”

“You know why it did not help,” Sarah interrupted. “Because you did not stick with the treatment. Medication is a process. You never followed through. All your life you have jumped from one thing to another.”

“Yes,” David said quietly. “But the medication made me feel terrible. Why would I want to hurt myself?”

Sarah answered firmly:

“If there is no improvement, then I am done.”

David turned pale again.

“So you asked why I am here,” he said, turning to me. “I want to know what else I can do to make Sarah happy.”

The Unexpected Question

“And why do you want Sarah to be happy?” I asked.

Both of them looked surprised.

“I do not want our home to fall apart,” David answered.

“Why are you so afraid of that?” I continued.

“That is not even an option,” David said in shock. “I would never give up my wife for any amount of money.”

Unnoticed by me, Sarah slowly moved back toward her chair. Her eyes widened with surprise.

“What are the reasons you are not willing to give up your wife?” I asked.

“There is no substitute for Sarah,” David said. “She is successful and respected everywhere. She is the most sought after teacher in her school. They compete to hire her.”

I turned to Sarah.

“Are you willing to give up David?”

She answered honestly.

“Right now I feel that David is weighing me down.”

A Husband Who Never Felt Valued

“How do you feel when Sarah says that?” I asked David.

“I am used to it,” he said simply. “For as long as I remember Sarah has not really appreciated me.”

“And what is it like to live with a woman who does not appreciate you?”

David hesitated.

“The truth is I have never thought about it. I always felt privileged to be her husband. I never thought about how it feels that she does not want to be my wife.”

“Do you want to continue living like this?” I asked.

“I am used to it,” David replied quickly. “It is fine. I just want you to help us so Sarah will stop threatening divorce.”

A Different Kind of Help

I addressed them both.

“I understand what each of you wants. David, you want Sarah to be satisfied so you can feel calm. Sarah, you want David to change so you can feel secure.”

“In other words, each of you is looking for relief by changing your partner.”

“I believe I can help you, but not in the way you expect. I will not make Sarah satisfied with you, and I will not make David stronger for you.”

“I want to suggest a different path. Each of you needs to learn to look inward and find a sense of worth and fulfillment within yourselves, not through your partner and not through separation.”

“But Rabbi,” David protested, “we do not have time. Sarah says she cannot continue. We need an immediate solution.”

“I understand,” I answered calmly. “But I do not believe in instant solutions.”

Then I asked him a difficult question.

“Does your fear and your attempts to keep Sarah from leaving make her calmer or make her more likely to threaten divorce?”

Sarah shifted in her chair. David remained silent.

He seemed to understand but struggled to speak openly.

Finding the Right Space

The path forward becomes clearer when each partner learns to stand in their own space.

The less David tries to please and the more he values himself, the more stable he will become. The less Sarah depends on controlling David and the more she builds her own inner strength, the healthier their relationship can become.

This is the deeper meaning of the teaching: if one merits, the partner becomes a helper. If not, they become an opponent.

When each partner lacks inner balance, they stand against each other. But when each grows into their proper place, they can truly help one another.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and founder of a school for training couples counselors.