"Desperate for Help: A Man's Plea as His Wife Threatens Divorce"

One day, I received an urgent phone call from a man named David. "I need an emergency meeting, my wife is threatening me with divorce."

A few days later, they came into my office.

The first meeting was filled with tension and anxiety. It seemed that the most significant question hanging in the air was, "Who is normal here, and who needs help?" / "Who is guilty and who is the victim?"

At first, Sarah sat in her chair with her arms crossed. Every posture of her body seemed to communicate: "This story has nothing to do with me."

David was the one who opened the meeting. He couldn’t sit still on the chair; he got up and sat down, paced around while talking to me.

He looked troubled and impatient, unable to meet my gaze for more than a few seconds.

David described unbearable tension at home. "For months now, Sarah has been threatening me with divorce. The situation between us has become harder and harder. We have seen numerous counselors, and everyone has given up, but I still haven’t given up, and I want to try you."

"I don’t know what my wife wants from me. I do everything she asks. True, I’m not exactly a ‘poodle’ as she would like, but she tries to manage me, and I do what I can for her. She's exaggerating with her demands, and I know she will never be satisfied, no matter what I do."

Suddenly Sarah’s phone rang. She opened her bag and pulled out the device.

"See, you see her phone, I bought it for her. The latest model, the most convenient. The main thing is that she has the best."

"Really," Sarah snorted, "what’s the big deal about that poor little device?"

"Poor device?" David exclaimed in shock. "Is this how you talk?"

"Yes. Let’s see how much you spent on your phone and how much on mine," Sarah replied sarcastically.

"You see her?" David turned to me, "This is how it is all the time. No matter what I do – it never satisfies her. I serve her 24/7, and she is never calm."

Suddenly, Sarah got up from her chair and headed towards the door, then turned back and told David: "If you came here to talk about my problems, then I’m leaving. To me, there’s no point in getting help if the aim is to discuss me. It’s time for you to start looking at yourself in the mirror."

"Sarah," David replied in a conciliatory tone. "I didn’t mean to say you’re wrong. I just wanted to explain that I feel helpless because I’m trying my best and you’re not satisfied. So I want guidance to understand where I am going wrong."

"It really didn’t sound that way," Sarah remained rigid. She refused to soften.

"I promise you, why won’t you give it a chance?"

"Because I am no longer willing to hear another word of blame from you. You need to understand that you are the one who needs to change. For my part, I’m done, and again I’ll say it; I see no point in continuing our relationship."

David turned pale. His anxiety rose. "Sarah, I demand that you return to the room!" David tried to project strength and confidence, but the tremor in him dominated, and his words came out fragmented and hurried.

"Can I intervene for a moment?" I asked.

"Certainly, certainly, Rabbi," David responded submissively, with a notable expectation.

Sarah remained silent. She stood firm by the door.

"I want to hear from each of you why you are here."

"Well," David sighed. "As I explained, we have been married for eight years. It’s always been difficult, but somehow we managed. Lately, the 'difficulty' has become unbearable. Sarah often leaves the house without warning, with or without the kids. She does this at the most challenging times. On holiday evenings, just an hour before the holiday, I can suddenly find myself alone. Or at family events and the like."

"Notice," interjected Sarah. "You’re busy with me again instead of talking about your problems."

"Right, right," David replied. "I prefaced all this to explain the situation. Now I’ll talk about myself."

"As Sarah says, I have a lot of problems. I’m unable to maintain stability at work. In the early years I studied at yeshiva, but the burden of home didn’t allow me to keep up with the schedules. I had to drop all the kids in the morning, and sometimes one of the kids was sick or there were various complications. Then I would be late or miss days at yeshiva, and at some point, I just couldn’t manage. I dropped down to part-time, and in the evening I worked in sofer (scribal writing). But even in this job, I struggled because I took on a project, and at home, everyone needed help. So I couldn’t focus on my work continuously, and then clients got angry at me for not meeting deadlines, and I would be filled with stress.

"So I left that job and became a rabbi at a school. I thought that when I was committed to a framework and to students waiting in class, it would be better, but it only got worse. I would be late to school, and I didn’t come prepared for the lessons, and then I would be embarrassed by my students, parents, and the administration.

"My wife always told me that I have attention deficit disorder. She just wanted me to take Ritalin. I felt that it was not attention but something emotional, but still, I tried to take Ritalin, and it didn’t help at all; it just reduced my appetite and made me anxious."

"You know why it didn’t help!" Sarah interrupted again. "Because you didn’t stick to it. If you had followed the psychiatrist’s instructions, maybe you would have started to see improvement. But you never went back to him for follow-up. Psychiatric medication is not magic; it’s a process. All your life, you’ve been like this. You don’t know how to invest properly and jump from one thing to another."

"Yes," David said, "but the pill made me feel so bad. Why would I want to harm myself? Why would I hurt myself?"

"No problem," Sarah replied. "I already told you that for me, if there is no improvement on your part, then I’m done."

David turned pale again and then turned back to me. "So you asked why I am here. I came to hear what else I can do to make Sarah happy."

"And why do you want Sarah to be happy?" I asked.

David was taken aback. Sarah also looked surprised.

"What do you mean? I don’t want our home to fall apart!"

"Why are you afraid that the house will fall apart?" I continued to ask calmly.

"God forbid!" David responded in shock. "That’s an option I am not ready to even consider!"

"I need to understand why," I didn’t give in.

"There’s nothing to talk about; I won’t give up my wife for any amount of money!"

Unbeknownst to me, Sarah began to move back toward the chair. Her eyes opened wide in amazement; it seemed she did not expect such a turn of events at all.

"What are the reasons you are not willing to give up on your wife?" I continued to ask him calmly.

"There is no substitute for my wife; she is a successful woman. She is valued everywhere, the most sought-after teacher, and manages large projects at the high school where she works. They keep adding hours for her, and there’s competition for her at every job; what are you talking about?"

"And what about you?" I turned to Sarah, "Are you willing to give up David?"

"Can I be honest? Right now, I am in a position where I feel that David is just weighing me down."

"How do you feel, David, when Sarah talks like that?" I turned back to David.

"Oh, I’m used to it," David answered simply. "It’s nothing new. I think that for as long as I can remember, Sarah hasn’t really appreciated me."

"And how is it for you to live with a woman who doesn’t appreciate you?"

"Oh..." David cleared his throat, "the truth is I haven’t thought about it much. I’m used to thinking that I have the privilege of being her husband; I never thought about how it feels for me that she doesn’t want to be my wife."

"And do you want to continue living like this?" I pressed.

"What do you mean?" David hurriedly responded. "I’ve gotten used to living like this, and it’s perfectly fine."

"Is it fine, or just okay?" I joked. "Are you sure it’s fine?"

"Yes. I’m fine, but I just want you to help us with Sarah, who keeps threatening to break up the home," David insisted in a tone of someone trying to hold on to a straw.

"Look," I addressed David and Sarah together. "I heard the difficulties you are facing, and I have also understood well what you want from me. You, David, want a solution to your fear that Sarah is unhappy and ready to break the home, and you, Sarah, want from me a solution for David not meeting your emotional needs. Essentially, if we look a bit deeper, then each of you wants to find a solution to their distress through a change in your partner.

"You, David, will feel calm when Sarah is satisfied with you, and you, Sarah, will feel calm when you can get rid of David, or when David starts meeting your expectations.

"I feel I can help you, but not in the way you want my help. I am not going to make Sarah satisfied with you, and I am also not going to make David strong for you. I do want to propose that you embark on a journey where each of you will begin to look at themselves and seek fulfillment and a sense of worth from within, and not through the partner – and for now, also not through separating from the partner."

"But Rabbi!" David exclaimed. "We don’t have much time. Sarah has told me that she can’t take it anymore; we must find an immediate solution!"

"I understand," I replied with complete calmness. "And I don’t want to provide you with solutions. I don’t know and don’t believe in immediate solutions. And I want to ask you a question that requires courage: does your fear and search for ways to keep Sarah at home make her want to calm down, or does it make her want to threaten divorce?"

Sarah shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She looked at her watch and seemed to be waiting for the meeting to end.

David was silent. He seemed to understand my words well but was struggling to find the courage within him to say things his wife wouldn’t like to hear.

Let’s understand that the more David stays in his own space, meaning the less he tries to please, and the more space and value he claims for himself, and the more Sarah builds her own space and becomes less dependent on controlling her husband, the more they will reach a precise and healthier place.

In my eyes, that’s the meaning of "if one merits, they become a helper; if not, they become opposed to them." This applies to every couple. When each one is not in the correct space, they are against each other, one versus the other. Only when they do the work and each reaches their own space, it becomes a "helper" between them.

Rabbi Aryeh Ettinger is a counselor and the founder of a school for training couples' counselors.