"Why Can’t She Ever Be Happy with Me?"

"I can't take it anymore. Nurit is constantly complaining and making accusations about me. I feel like she’s never satisfied with me. This morning she came to me and said: you’re always at prayers and classes, you’re never home. I feel like everything is on me."

"And what did you say to her?" I asked.

"I told her: I'm not home? I’m the one who makes sandwiches for the kids in the morning, takes them to their activities, comes home early, and prepares lunch for them. How can she say that? Factually, it’s not true at all. Do you know how hard it is to be in a relationship where the other person is constantly dissatisfied with you?" Shaul asked helplessly.

"What does that feel like? To feel like you’re never good enough?" I inquired.

"I feel worthless. I feel like I’m a bad husband. Maybe another husband would be much better for Nurit," Shaul replied.

"That’s a tough feeling, to feel worthless. You put in so much effort, you dedicate a lot of time to the children and the home, and what you feel in the end is that you are unappreciated, and that’s really painful and difficult."

"That’s true," he agreed.

"Do you believe it's true?" I asked.

"In my mind, I understand that it's not. But that's how I feel. What can I do to feel differently?" he asked.

"I think practically it’s good to learn how to switch from a transactional mindset to an emotional awareness. All this transactional language – who takes the kids to school, to activities, to the doctor, to buy a new kitchen, mattress, or dining table – is language of partnership in the relationship, not the language of couplehood. This is why often older couples, who have already finished raising their children, feel as if their partnership is over, because they haven’t developed a couple’s connection.

"The couple's relationship has an emotional language, and it’s much more intimate. When Nurit brings complaints, anger, or fears into your conversations, and she tells you: 'you’re always at prayers and classes, you’re never home' – she’s putting aside the transactional language, and she’s really inviting you to a deeper emotional space."

"Intimate? At that moment, I take 5 steps back," Shaul interrupted.

"That’s true, but that’s how she’s inviting you into her deep emotional world. This is a moment where she’s being vulnerable, a moment where she’s exposing herself to you. When you become defensive and respond factually, like 'I’m the one who makes them sandwiches in the morning,' you’re essentially dismissing her invitation to enter her world, and you shift into an internal journey where you’re activated, questioning your worth as a husband, whether you’re a good husband or not, and you pull out facts to defend yourself as if you were on trial."

"This move leaves Nurit abandoned, exposed, and hurt after she had opened her gates to you."

"So what should I do when she says something like that? Should I agree with her?" he asked.

"You need to agree with her feelings, not just the facts. She will bring up all the details of your life, and sometimes you may even identify exaggeration or extremes, but that’s her way of expressing her emotional distress.

"When she says you’re not around enough, she’s actually sharing how much she misses you, and that she feels alone. That’s the truth you have to agree with: that’s how she feels."

"Yes, but that’s exactly what’s important to me—I don’t want her to feel pain over something untrue, so I explain to her where her mistake lies," Shaul argued.

"She’s not coming to you asking you to change her emotional world; she’s asking to share with you, and she expects you to agree to enter her world and just be with her in the emotional place where she is. She’s asking for connection. If you pay attention, you can notice something important: when you start proving and explaining to her how the facts show you’re right, what’s her response?"

"The more I explain to her, the more frustrated she gets, she exaggerates and escalates. She raises her tone and pulls in more incorrect facts to show me that I’m wrong, and then it becomes a conversation of the deaf."

"So what do we do?!" he asked in frustration.

"Develop emotional awareness. In every conversation that happens, you need to learn to identify whether the language is factual or emotional.

"You can start with the kids. Suppose your daughter, after you refused to buy her something, says to you: 'you don’t love me, you never agree to the things I want, you don’t care about me…'".

"Haha, that’s easy… I’m definitely not going to buy her what she wants to prove to her that I love her."

"Exactly. That’s because you identify, and rightly so, that she’s frustrated for not having received, say, a candy. Right now she’s sharing her emotional feeling with you: she feels unloved. When you respond from a secure, loving place, you can be present with her in that emotion," I explained.

"With Nurit, I can’t manage," he said in despair.

"When you understand deeply why, with the kids, you’re not activated, it will be easier for you. Some parents genuinely feel that their children give them a sense of value as parents, and then they do everything to make their kids think they are wonderful parents, and they don’t stop wanting to please them. In your case, you’re not falling into those places, and your sense of worth isn't in their hands.

"Your relationship with Nurit is rooted in a sense of existential, meaningful, and survival value within you. That’s also why you’re filled with anger towards her, because it really annoys you when someone else holds your sense of worth. But you don’t really have anything to be angry about, because you’ve placed that role on her…"

"This change will free your defense mechanisms, which try to prove you’re a worthy husband, and allow you to be present and become a partner in Nurit's emotional world. That way you will achieve a meaningful and real connection between you."

Hanna Dayan[email protected]

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