Rebuilding Love: From Ruins to Renewal

"We’ve decided we need to put an end to this! We can’t continue together," Ariella said to me with great pain.

"We've reached a point where we can’t stand to see each other," Amir added.

"So why did you come to me? How can I help?" I asked.

"We wanted to tell you that there’s nothing left of our relationship, just ruins reminding us we once had something. The relationship is so destroyed that it can't be repaired," Ariella continued.

"So what’s the problem? If everything is already ruined and you've decided to divorce, why don't you go to a mediator who can help you get divorced in the best way possible?" I asked.

"It’s not that simple; we have children who could be hurt, and after all, this is a 20-year relationship. You can't just throw everything away," Amir replied.

"What do you think? Is there even a chance to save anything from this relationship?" Ariella asked.

"First, it’s important to address the difficult emotional feelings that you’ve both been experiencing for quite some time. It’s incredibly tough to feel that all those years of marriage have ultimately led to destruction instead of continuing to naturally produce growth and building. It’s a feeling of mourning over a loss, immense pain, and unthinkable sorrow.

"But let’s take a clearer look at the satellite image of your relationship.

"The relationship itself, with all its outcomes, hasn’t been destroyed, severed, or exterminated. What has been aggressively ruined is the marital structure that you built over the years. That survival structure, according to divine law, has no genuine place for continuity, and therefore it was destroyed.

"I hope you remember this day as a chance to construct a new relationship at the foot of the old's ruins."

"That sounds great, but when building a new structure, you need to clear away all the old ruins. What do you think? Can we open a new chapter?" Amir asked.

"If we clear away the ruins of the old structure and erase them, there’s a very high chance you’ll repeat the same mistakes and end up rebuilding a relationship very similar to the previous one. The ruins are a monument, a reminder, and a guide on how not to make those mistakes again."

"So how do we start building a new structure?" Amir asked.

"First, we need to understand very well what the old structure’s ruins are composed of. Otherwise, as I said, we’ll repeat the same errors. That’s why we need to build the monument while referring to and giving space for all the pain and sorrow, all the difficult emotions that have accumulated and accompany the ruins of the old structure.

"When we look at the monument, we’ll clearly know what damage the old structure caused, and which direction we’re not going to pursue anymore. This will allow us to build a corrected relationship structure," I responded.

"I know our structure wasn’t sound, but what does a corrected relationship structure look like?" Ariella asked.

"A sound structure is one where each partner brings their unique strength.

"In a relationship, 'his wife is his home.' When she connects to the magnetic force within her, the *nikvah* power, she becomes a vessel for abundance, with a very clear understanding that she deserves to receive without trying to achieve, but only because she feels strongly that she is meant to receive abundance.

"The man must bring a masculine energy of influence and giving into the relationship. When a man is fully committed to his woman, she fills up with joy and happiness. This happens when the man decides not to retreat and not to take offense but to stick to his desires. The woman should feel very much that he is confident in his ability to succeed."

"I don’t understand, what do you think I’ve been doing until now? Who has held this entire relationship together?" Ariella asked angrily.

"You shouldn’t have to hold the whole relationship; you need to maintain the structure of the relationship with a lot of assertiveness, without worrying about how you'll appear in your husband's eyes, his family's, or his friends'. Correct, precise maintenance is created from deep attentiveness to yourself, to your inner truth. You should have a lot of trust in your man that he can concentrate all his strength towards you and direct it with great sensitivity to your needs.

"The man in the corrected relationship structure should not be preoccupied with himself; he should bring substance into the relationship. In other words, he needs to stop being constantly busy with escape routes from the relationship, whether by focusing on himself or being distracted by leaking energy outwards, such as work, hobbies, or social gatherings.

"The woman should be connected to herself, revealing the crown of the relationship structure within her. When she connects to her true longings, she can strengthen the structure of the relationship strongly, and this will also help the man not to get confused and to bring his strengths into the relationship in a correct and accurate way."

Hanna Dayan[email protected]

For all columns and to get in touch, click here