Not Compatible or Not Healed?: A Different Way to See Marriage

"I guess I'm just not that kind of person. I can't sit and listen to endless accusations that aren't even true and just absorb them," Amit concluded.

"He only absorbs what he wants to absorb," Sarah replied sharply. "I'm exhausted from constantly bringing complaints to him. Another man, someone more attentive and oriented toward his wife, would understand and embrace me."

"So why did you marry me?" Amit snapped, cutting her off.

"That's exactly the question I've been asking myself for twenty years," Sarah answered.

"I really feel like we're not compatible if Sarah has been walking around all these years feeling this way," Amit said, turning to me. "Don’t you think?"

"I think there is no couple more suited than the two of you to help each other go through real healing of the soul and find freedom and renewal," I replied.

"Renewal? She just makes me sicker," Amit said sarcastically.

Patterns That Shape Us

"Let’s talk for a moment about the soul and about healing."

"Each of you, from childhood, developed patterns of thinking and reacting. These patterns were built through cause and effect. They gave you a sense of security and helped you cope with uncertainty, but at the same time they limited your growth and created blockages in both body and soul."

"These blockages often lie behind emotional pain, physical tension, and repeated failures in life."

"Many of these patterns become deeply ingrained. They stay with us unless we consciously choose to change them. They are recorded in us from a very young age. As we grow older, we build a whole world of emotions and thoughts around them, until we begin to believe that this is simply who we are and that there is no other way to live."

When the Buttons Are Pressed

"When something happens that presses one of our inner buttons, emotions and thoughts immediately arise and take control of our reactions."

"In those moments we become the pattern itself. We react automatically and fail to notice that an internal system has taken over. We feel as if we have no choice, even though we do."

"This is how people can live for years in ongoing frustration, convinced that their suffering is unavoidable. These patterns hide from us the people we could become. Each of us has the potential to bring light into the world, yet we often shrink ourselves without even realizing it. When that inner light begins to appear, we start to see how limited our old self image really was."

The Purpose of the Struggle

"The experiences that shaped these patterns are part of the groundwork for healing. Through this healing we can change the mechanisms that have held us back and discover the power of choice that exists within the soul."

"As long as we resist change, we will continue to encounter these same patterns in painful ways and in different areas of life."

"A marriage, where two souls meet in a process of awakening and healing, brings these patterns to the surface with great intensity. This allows each partner to begin a process of repair and release."

"How can we change this?" Sarah asked. "It feels like it is part of me."

Discovering the Power of Choice

"You're right," I answered. "We identify so strongly with these patterns that we feel they are part of who we are."

"But in a safe space we can learn to observe these patterns from the outside and begin to recognize them. Once we recognize them, we can begin to discover the system of choice that exists within each of us."

"This cannot happen when we are trapped in despair or resignation. When we uncover the power of choice, we can build practical tools that help us respond differently in everyday situations."

"These tools allow us to activate the power of choice again and again. Slowly, the old patterns that guided us for years begin to change."

From Failure to Freedom

"Real change requires honest and consistent effort. The more you practice moving from automatic reactions toward conscious choice, the more new patterns will form."

"With time, this movement from failure to choice creates new paths in life. You begin to move toward inner freedom and gradually discover your true self."

Inspired by the D'Myonova Method from facilitator training at the D'Myonova Institute.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor