When Fighting for Your Voice: Navigating Conflict in Relationships

"I feel like there's no place for me in this relationship," Aviram said angrily.

"What do you mean there’s no place?" I asked.

"With Stavit, she can always be angry; she decides everything in the relationship, and it's clear she is always right. I feel so nonexistent in this relationship. As soon as I respond to her claims, she immediately dismisses everything I say and feel. So if I can’t express what I think or feel, it means there's no place for me in this relationship," Aviram complained.

"Can you give an example?" I asked Aviram.

"She comes to me with complaints and gets mad that I don’t do anything around the house and that it’s all on her. So I respond and tell her that she also irritates me by throwing away things I love without asking me, and deciding to invite whoever she wants over to our home every day without involving me or considering my feelings."

"And then what happens?" I asked.

"She comes at me like a bungee jumper without a cord, with a knife between her teeth," he replied with a smile.

"Let’s really try to examine the issue of space in your relationship.

"Suppose you discovered that Stavit threw away something very important to you, and you found out about it on a delightful day when your relationship was cloud nine. She feels like you're the best husband in the world, and she's all happy and cheerful. How do you express your anger in those moments?" I asked Aviram.

"Unlike her, I prefer to keep a good atmosphere between us and not spoil it with my anger," Aviram replied.

"So usually, you only bring up your anger when she brings up hers?" I asked.

"Yeah, she's already ruining the atmosphere and opening a battlefield, so I also pull out my ammunition. She fights me, so should I stay silent?" Aviram answered.

"But let’s pause for a moment and try to understand what this 'place' is that you feel you don't have. A place is a reflection of our inner world. It’s a kind of conscious, value-based, spiritual, and emotional representation. One of the known foundations of the Baal Shem Tov's teachings is: wherever a person's mind is – that’s where they truly are.

"When Stavit infuriates you, you are physically, externally in a space with a good atmosphere, but your thoughts are filled with your anger. You might even hate her a little," I said quietly, with a smile.

"So what exactly is the true place?" Aviram asked.

"The true place that really drives you, where your anger and your thoughts are located, statements like: 'It’s not fair that she always decides,' 'It’s not right that she threw away my favorite pants'… - that’s the place where you really are. Identifying that place is a very important gateway."

"Why do I need this?" Aviram asked.

"When you are constantly preoccupied with that idealized place of the good atmosphere, and sadly, the fake one, you are striving to create a space for yourself, a kind of utopian place where you think you should be, which constantly causes you to miss the true place where you are.

"That true place is a gateway, and it’s also your connection point with Stavit.

"The work we're doing here in therapy is a practice to reach an understanding of the place where you stand. Together, we will train in the ability to agree to accept it, no matter how difficult and ugly it may be. Through imagination exercises, you’ll later be able to apply this in reality much more easily."

"Why don’t I just do it right away in reality?" Aviram asked.

"Because it can be frightening. When you encounter the true place where you are, it may completely dismiss that idealized image you are trying to create. When we delve deep into the process, we discover the essence of that place and find it is a gateway for your connection with yourself, with Stavit, and with Hashem.

"When Stavit shatters your image, that good atmosphere, then suddenly you remember that you also deserve a place. When she gets angry and confronts you with accusations, she brings forth a real place.

"Of course, it’s very hard for you because where does she get the courage and ability to bring such a place? So you also bring your place through your anger, and that way, you trample the place she brings.

"In a marital relationship, each person needs to learn to bring their own place without dismissing their partner's place."

Inspired by the Imaginary Work Method (from the training studies of the facilitators at the Imaginary Work Institute).

Hannah Dayan[email protected]

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