Healing the Heart: Can Forgiveness Really Happen?

"How can I forgive? This seems unforgivable. How could such an option even be considered? I think that perhaps only Hashem can forgive in some cases. Is there a way to repair and rebuild this relationship?" Ruth asked.

"I completely agree with you. First of all, you don’t have to. You are not obligated to forgive. I truly understand that it feels impossible. But what remains for us is to examine the point of desire," I replied.

"Exactly, that’s what I’m trying to say. I feel like I’ve lost all desire to continue my relationship with Asher. I really feel it’s lost already. I feel like I can’t trust him anymore. I don’t trust him, and I don’t believe he won’t hurt me again, so why would I want this relationship?" Ruth asked.

The Difference Between Pain and Desire

"Maybe if we can isolate the definitions here and assign everything its place, it will be easier not to get confused and to work on the right points."

"When you say you have no desire, you are using the word 'desire' to describe the heavy, completely natural, and understandable feelings you have as a result of Asher’s hurtful behavior. There is a place for every emotion, and for all the feelings that arise in you from what you have experienced. It is very important to give these feelings space and recognition. If we do not allow them room, they will take up all the space and dominate the entire picture."

"But difficult emotions do not indicate a lack of desire. I hear in your pain the longing and desire for things to work out, and the sorrow is for the gap that currently seems impossible."

"I can’t understand this; I truly feel a lack of desire," Ruth said with a hint of resistance.

What Anger Really Means

"The anger you bring is a clear statement that a boundary has been crossed that should never have been crossed. Therefore this anger, pain, and sorrow have their place. It is an important statement saying that a relationship marked by disrespect and distrust has no place. You are seeking a relationship of truth, and Asher expresses that through actions, effort, and words."

"Both you and Asher are asking for the same thing today: to maintain a relationship of truth, one characterized by honesty, respect, and openness. You both want to renew the relationship from a place of truth between you, from the essence with which you began your journey together. This very positioning from both of you, in true desire, allows access and strength to heal, save, and rebuild better than what existed before."

"But how? How am I supposed to know that Asher deep down wants the relationship? How can he show me? If he hurt me like this, it means he doesn’t want the relationship," Ruth said angrily.

Learning to See Again

"We need to do very deep reflective work that will allow us to develop a sensitive inner awareness so we can hear the outcry and remorse within Asher, the inner voice of his soul."

"Right now you are in such a place of anger that it does not allow you to see his remorse, even if he is expressing it with all his strength. In order to protect yourself, you have built a defense wall of indifference toward him, preventing him from hurting you again. That same wall is also preventing you from seeing his inner regret."

"Together we need to learn carefully and patiently how to soften that defense wall, and to give you real security, renewed trust, and a different perspective on Asher."

"When we reach that place in the soul where trust returns and you can lean back and see the correction and love that Asher has for you, you will be able to recognize where his true intention lies. Then you will understand that the points where he hurt you came from the outer layer, and you will be able to feel secure again and create a new relationship agreement."

"Of course, this requires very hard, real, and deep work on his part."

Can a Relationship Become Better Than Before?

"I feel that this relationship will never be happy and good like it once was," Ruth said in despair.

"That’s right, it won’t. It will be much better, without a doubt. There is no other way," I replied.

"How can that be? The injury was to the core of the relationship. Maybe a miracle could return it to what it once was, but to a better place? That sounds illogical," Ruth said in confusion.

"Ruth, outwardly it truly seems that way, but inwardly the essence was never harmed. I will explain this through a few words about the month of Elul and the work of soul correction."

The Innocence That Is Never Lost

"The common message today is that it is not wise to be naive. Innocence is often portrayed as a lost paradise of purity. The understanding of the levels of the soul offers a different perspective, one that connects the body and then moves toward the soul. Even after we lose innocence in body and spirit, there is a higher innocence that we never lose. We need to find and reveal it again each time. That point always preserves the memory of childlike innocence, and from it we can begin anew."

"This is also the meaning of the zodiac sign of the month of Elul. At the end of each year, Elul is a month of repentance, a time when we reflect and take account of our lives. Therefore the zodiac sign of Elul is the virgin, coming to awaken within us the memory that at the higher level of our souls we remain young, innocent, and open to new experiences, ready to encounter familiar realities as if for the first time."

"The past will not disappear, but it can be repositioned without putting the relationship into survival mode. There is space for pain, and there is space for abundance. You will see that you will not need to hold onto the pain every moment," I explained.

"How can that be? I can’t understand that," Ruth said.

From Damage to Repair

"All the negative spaces that Asher brought into the relationship caused deep damage and hurt the connection. In the repair you are now going through together, those same negative spaces can become positive, strengthening, and connecting places."

"Inwardly, the innocent state of the relationship was never harmed. The hurtful actions came from the outer layer. Through the repentance that Asher is doing and the repair you are creating together, a true relationship can emerge."

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor