How to Encourage Your Partner to Listen and Connect?

"Efrat! How can I make him do this?", a nice woman asked me in one of the classes.
What stood out to me was the word "make."

From the question, I understood that this sweet woman, who wants to be closer and happier with her partner, is focused on him—on how to make him behave differently than he currently does, or we could say—trying to change him and his reactions toward her.

I meet so many couples in my clinic and my courses, and I hear this natural human tendency. When something doesn’t align in the interaction with one’s partner, I automatically try to check what he can change or what I can make him do differently, and then everything would be fine.

Moreover, some even teach this as a method. "A woman can make her husband want something." "Let him think it’s his idea," and so on.

Sometimes it works, we won’t deny that. But it’s not right; it doesn’t flow. It’s shallow and manipulative.

How do you feel when someone tries to "make" you do something through convoluted means? You deserve more than that, and your relationship deserves more than that.

Here’s a life scenario. How do you respond?

You meet up in the evening, and you start telling your husband stories from work, along with various difficulties and challenging things you have been through.

He barely listens, nodding just to fulfill the obligation.

How do you respond?

1 - You feel disappointed in silence. Why isn’t he supportive? Why isn’t he coming closer?

2 - You say "Well, it doesn’t matter," with a sour face, just to shake him up a bit.

3 - "I see this interests your grandmother," you say angrily, and storm out of the room.

4 - "Seriously, are you even listening to me?!" Maybe shouting will wake him up.

These are expected and natural reactions, but they’re not really beneficial for your relationship.

What does benefit your connection is to change the approach. Instead of coming with expectations and feeling disappointed, you come with a different mindset.

You want to share. You invite him to listen and come closer, but he isn’t obligated. You express yourself primarily for yourself, not to receive his acceptance and validation. You accept him as he is. Sometimes he listens and is interested; sometimes, he isn’t.

If he responds to your invitation and listens—the relationship will benefit. If not, tomorrow will, please G-d, bring another opportunity. You don’t break down, don’t lose your confidence, don’t lose your curiosity. If you still want to process the day’s experiences—you call a friend who might be more open to a conversation right now.

This is inviting communication, but not dependent.

It creates openness and an invitation, but doesn’t cultivate frustration.

It fosters moments of closeness and intimacy where possible.

Good luck!

Efrat Tzur is a nurse, relationship advisor, lecturer, and workshop facilitator on relationships and intimacy. She teaches online courses, is married to Elad, and is a mother of seven.