Trying to Change Him: Why It Pushes Him Away

"Efrat, how can I make him do this?" a nice woman asked me during one of my classes.
What stood out to me immediately was the word make.

From her question, I understood that this sweet woman, who sincerely wanted to feel closer and happier with her partner, was focused entirely on him. She wanted to know how to make him behave differently from the way he does now, how to change his reactions toward her.

The Natural Urge to Change Our Partner

I meet many couples in my clinic and in my courses, and I hear this natural human tendency again and again. When something does not work well in the interaction with a partner, we instinctively look for what they should change or what we can make them do differently. We believe that once that happens, everything will be fine.

Some people even teach this as a method. "A woman can make her husband want something." "Let him think it’s his idea," and similar advice.

Sometimes it works, and we cannot deny that. But something about it feels wrong. It does not flow naturally. It is shallow and manipulative.

How do you feel when someone tries to make you do something through indirect or manipulative means? You deserve more than that, and your relationship deserves more than that.

A Familiar Evening Scene

Here is a common life situation. How would you respond?

You meet in the evening and begin telling your husband about your day at work, sharing some of the difficulties and challenges you experienced.

He barely listens, nodding occasionally just to fulfill the obligation.

How do you respond?

You feel quietly disappointed. Why isn’t he supportive? Why doesn’t he come closer?
You say, "Well, it doesn’t matter," with a sour expression, hoping to shake him up a little.
"I see this interests your grandmother," you say angrily, and storm out of the room.

"Seriously, are you even listening to me?" Maybe raising your voice will wake him up.
These reactions are natural and understandable, but they are not especially helpful for the relationship.

A Different Approach

What truly strengthens a relationship is a different approach. Instead of coming with expectations and ending in disappointment, you come with a different mindset.

You want to share. You invite him to listen and come closer, but he is not obligated. You express yourself first and foremost for your own sake, not in order to receive approval or validation. You accept him as he is. Sometimes he listens with interest, and sometimes he does not.

If he responds to your invitation and listens, the relationship benefits. If not, tomorrow will, with G-d’s help, bring another opportunity. You do not fall apart, you do not lose your confidence, and you do not lose your curiosity. If you still want to talk through your day, you can call a friend who may be more available for a conversation at that moment.

This is communication that invites connection without depending on it.

It creates openness and invitation without cultivating frustration.

It allows moments of closeness and intimacy to develop naturally where they can.

Good luck.

Efrat Tzur is a nurse, relationship advisor, lecturer, and workshop facilitator on relationships and intimacy. She teaches online courses, is married to Elad, and is a mother of seven.