Why Giving More Isn't the Answer: What Your Partner Really Needs

"I feel like we've been holding onto this relationship for years. It's stuck and not going anywhere," Shira said.

"I don't understand. Why do you say we're not moving forward? Don't you see how many changes I'm making in my life? I'm not staying late at work anymore. I'm doing so much around the house. I'm doing everything you want. How can you say the relationship isn't moving and is stuck?" Yair asked in despair.

"Yair, you're right. You really have made significant changes in your life, and you've become a much more giving man. The problem is that I feel like you don't see me in all this giving," Shira replied.

"But if I'm doing everything you ask for, and so much more, how can you say I don't see you?" Yair asked.

"I don't know how to explain it. It's frustrating for me too," Shira answered.

Kindness and Strength in a Relationship

"Yair, you're investing so much energy and effort trying to please Shira, and you, Shira, are putting a great deal of energy into trying to explain to Yair what you want from him. Yet both of you are left feeling frustrated and hopeless. Let's try to understand this through the structure of the emotional spheres."

"In the marital structure, according to Kabbalistic teaching, the masculine force is the force of kindness, a force of love, giving, and influence."

"The feminine force is the force of strength, a force of judgment, boundaries, and precision."

"Neither of these forces can stand alone in a relationship. A man cannot bring only unlimited giving, and a woman cannot truly receive if she is not connected to what she needs in a clear and precise way."

"The point of connection between kindness and strength is the sphere of beauty, whose inner quality is mercy. The essence of mercy is the ability, Yair, to empathize with Shira's need and longing."

When Giving Misses the Target

"That's exactly the problem. He can't truly empathize with my neediness. All the kindness and love he gives me do not match my needs. I often feel that all his giving is ultimately for himself," Shira said.

"Shira, as long as you do not begin to develop an inward gaze, discovering what you truly need and agreeing to be precise with yourself without outside considerations that distance you from yourself, Yair will never know what you need."

"The main line of beauty is to connect the crown, the deep purpose of the marital relationship, with the kingdom, the expression of the relationship in daily life."

"I don't fully understand the difference between kindness and mercy. In both cases I'm giving and influencing," Yair said.

"Kindness can be directed toward anyone and knows no bounds. It is like rain that falls on everything. Mercy, however, includes judgment and measurement that shape the giving in a precise way. There is also a difference in motivation."

"The motivation?" Yair asked.

"When you act from pure kindness, you want to give to Shira and your goal is to bring her abundance. But on a psychological level the focus remains on your experience of giving. You may not realize that all the kindness you shower on Shira does not reach her inner point of need. Your desire to give becomes an experience that remains mainly between you and yourself."

"Are you saying I don't care how Shira reacts to what I do?" Yair asked angrily.

"You care about what I think of you and whether I will support you and affirm that you are a good husband," Shira replied in frustration.

"And that again keeps the movement centered only on you," I added. "When the movement comes from mercy, it does not grow out of your experience of giving, but from a sincere effort to ease and support Shira in what she truly needs. Only then can your giving reach her inner world and be received in a meaningful way."

The Power of Mercy and Choice

"The movement of kindness and giving is natural," I continued. "Mercy, however, requires awakening and inner work. Every fundamental choice of the soul is expressed through mercy."

"Even when you feel that natural love is no longer present, you still have the ability to awaken mercy for the distance that has formed between you. That alone can begin to generate new love."

"But where can I find the strength for that? Sometimes I feel like I have no strength left," Shira said.

"What strengthens mercy most is the element of choice."

"What does choice have to do with this?" Yair asked.

"The natural place from which you act, from your experience of kindness, does not have the strength to truly enter Shira's world. Mercy has the power to bridge the gap between you and genuinely reach her."

"Your natural tendencies are limited to what is familiar to each of you. Choice, however, relates to what lies beyond the individual. Only through choice can you truly connect with Shira."

"Every choice has an inner motivation. A choice defines a clear goal toward which all the forces of the soul are directed, and from that come the actions needed to realize that goal."

"The marital bond you chose with Shira requires you to take the actions needed to fulfill that choice. When you cannot find the strength to do so, Shira experiences that as if you are no longer choosing her," I explained.

The Work of Reflection

"So what do we need to do?" Shira asked.

"You need to practice inward reflection in order to develop the right feelings."

"Shira, you need deep reflection to clarify what you truly need for the relationship to succeed."

"Yair, you need reflective work that will develop your ability to listen, your sensitivity, and your gentleness toward everything Shira brings, so that your giving can become precise."

"It is important that both of you regularly reflect on the beauty of your marital connection, with all its many details and shades, without searching for personal gain."

"When I do that, it really hurts me to see what has happened to our relationship," Shira said quietly.

Awakening Mercy

"Part of awakening mercy for the relationship depends on the ability to reflect on how much pain the distance between you causes. The more you continue to reflect on the value of your relationship, the more the connection will draw additional light and mercy. This can lead to a true bond, and the Shechinah will dwell among you."

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor