Giving: For Your Spouse or Yourself?

"I feel like we've been holding onto this relationship for years, it's stuck and not going anywhere," Shira said.

"I don't understand, why do you say we're not moving forward? Don't you see how many changes I'm making in my life? I'm not staying late at work anymore! I'm doing so much around the house! I'm doing everything you want! How can you say the relationship isn't moving and is stuck?" Yair asked in despair.

"Yair, you're right. You have really made significant changes in your life, and you've become a much more giving man. The problem is, I feel like you don't see me in all this giving," Shira replied.

"But if I'm doing everything you ask for, and so much more, how can you say I don't see you?" Yair questioned.

"I don't know how to explain it, it's frustrating for me too," Shira answered.

"Yair, you're investing so much energy and effort trying to please Shira, and you, Shira, are putting in a lot of energy and effort trying to explain to Yair what you want from him, and both of you are frustrated and hopeless. Let's try to understand this through the structure of the emotional spheres.

"In the marital structure, according to Kabbalah, the masculine force is the force of kindness – a force of love, giving, and influence.

"The feminine force is the force of strength – a force of judgment, boundaries, and precision.

"Neither of these forces can stand alone in a relationship. A man cannot bring only his giving nature without bounds, and a woman cannot truly receive if she is not connected to what she needs precisely.

"The point of connection between kindness and strength is the sphere of beauty, whose inner quality is mercy. The essence of the power of mercy is your ability, Yair, to empathize with Shira's neediness and longing."

"That's the issue; he can't truly empathize with my neediness. All the kindness and love he showers on me don't fit my needs, I often feel like all his giving is ultimately for himself," Shira expressed.

"Shira, as long as you don't begin to develop an inward gaze, discovering what you truly need and agreeing to be precise with yourself without any external considerations that only distance you from yourself, Yair will never know what you need. The main line of beauty is to connect the crown (the deep purpose of the marital relationship) to the kingdom (the expression of the relationship in reality)."

"I don't fully understand the difference between kindness and mercy. After all, in both, I'm giving and influencing," Yair said.

"Kindness can be directed to anyone and knows no bounds, simply rain that falls on everything, while with mercy there is judgment and measurement to tailor that giving accordingly. Additionally, there's also the difference in the motivation," she explained.

"The motivation?" asked Yair.

"When you're in a state of pure kindness, you want to give to Shira, and your only aim is to bring her abundant wealth. The issue is, on a psychological level, the emphasis is on your experience of giving, and you fail to realize that all the kindnesses and influences you shower upon Shira don't hit her inner point of need. Such giving is not well received by her. Your desire to give remains an experience that's just between you and yourself."

"Are you saying I don't care how Shira reacts to what I do?" Yair reacted angrily.

"You care what I think of you and how I'll support you and give you validation that you're a good husband," Shira replied in frustration, and I added: "This again places that movement solely between you and yourself. When the movement is driven by mercy, it won't stem from your experience of giving, but rather from a movement that's solely to ease and assist Shira in all that she needs. Only then can you truly give her what she needs internally and out of empathy. This way, it will also be received by Shira in a proper and useful manner."

"All this movement in the soul, of kindness and influence, is a natural movement. In contrast, mercy is a movement that requires awakening and psychological processes. Therefore, every fundamental choice in the soul is expressed specifically in the measure of mercy."

"Even when you feel that there is no longer natural love between you, you have the ability to awaken mercy in your soul for the distance that has formed between you, and this alone will start to generate love."

"But where can I draw the strength for that? Sometimes I feel like I have no more strength," Shira asked.

"What significantly adds strength to the measure of mercy is the element of choice."

"What does choice have to do with this?" asked Yair.

"The natural place from which you're acting, out of that experience of kindness, lacks the power to genuinely enter Shira's world, and it leaves you with yourself. In mercy, there is the power to break through the gap between you and Shira and truly reach her."

"Your natural places are limited to what you're used to, each one in their own world, while choice inherently relates to everything outside the individual, beyond the natural places to which they are connected. Only through choice can you connect with Shira."

"Every choice has an internal motivation. The choice is a marking of a specific goal, toward which all the soul's forces are directed, and as a result, necessary actions must be taken to realize that goal."

"The marriage connection you chose with Shira as your wife requires you to take necessary actions to fulfill that choice with her. When you fail to find the strength for that, Shira feels that you are not choosing her," I explained.

"So what do we need to do?" Shira asked.

"You need to practice the work of inward reflection in order to generate and develop the appropriate feelings.

"Shira, you need to do deep inward reflection to identify what you need for your connection to succeed.

"Yair, you need to engage in reflective work that will develop in you the abilities of listening, sensitivity, and gentleness to all the places Shira brings up, so you can be precise in your giving.

"It's important that both of you frequently engage in reflections on the beauty of your marital connection, with all the multitude of details and shades it has, without searching for personal gain."

"When I do that, it really hurts me about our relationship, that we've come to such a state..." Shira said.

"Part of the ability to awaken mercy on the marital relationship also depends on one's ability to reflect on how much suffering you feel from the distance between you. The more you persist and increase your reflections on the value of the relationship, the more the connection will continue to draw additional light and mercy, leading to a true bond, and the Shechinah will dwell among you."

Hanna Dayan[email protected]

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