3 Steps to Rebuild Your Relationship and Create a Lasting Connection

"Why don’t you ever tell me what bothers you about our relationship? It’s like I’m the only one with complaints!" Ricky questioned.

"I’m swallowing a lot of frogs here to keep things nice between us. I feel like I’m the only adult in this relationship. I’m the one containing everything that annoys me about Ricky, while she can’t handle what annoys her about me," Roy replied.

"You’re just ungrateful! You don’t see everything I’m putting up with. If you did, you’d be terrified and run away. I’m keeping you safe and you still have complaints…" Ricky responded angrily.

"I feel like you don’t see anything good in our relationship, and you’re just focused on everything that’s wrong. Don’t you think a guy needs to hear how he’s doing good every now and then? What do you think? I can only exist on criticism?" Roy answered in despair and anger.

"How can I see the good when there’s so much bad? When I'm not getting the basic things?" This time, she yelled.

"It sounds like you both are in a really tough place. You both feel deeply the exile and darkness that your relationship is in. I’ll tell you something important! Naturally, this is where all couples find themselves: in chaos, in darkness, and in exile," I interjected.

"What?" Ricky asked.

"In order for your relationship to emerge from that exile and reveal the divine presence, you need to do a lot of work," I explained.

"We’ve made a point every week to go out and spend time together, go to a movie, to a restaurant, or just take a walk. We've been to every possible spa hotel. How can you say we’re not working on it?" Roy got upset.

"This is a completely different kind of work. There are three ways to work towards marital redemption, to reveal the divine presence that has departed."

"What are the three ways?" Ricky asked.

"The first – is gratitude. You need to look and truly acknowledge all the good you have in your relationship. This gratitude arises from recognizing that you are in exile and in darkness, and every glimmer of light that appears in your relationship isn't really yours. It’s definitely not a given, and so you must be grateful for it with all your heart.

"The second – is acknowledgment of the truth. Operating from a consciousness that recognizes darkness as the natural state in marriage. From this exilic experience, you can notice the glimmer of light that shines for you in the darkness, allowing you to taste the divine presence.

"Notice and look back at how many glimmers of light have appeared in your relationship and you’ve taken them for granted, while all the complaints you've accumulated – and still have – are towards the darkness. The darkness is the natural state; this is a very important correction in your perception.

"The third – is confession of sin. This relates to a lower degree of darkness – to the layers and sins in the relationship."

"What do you mean by layers and sins?" Roy asked.

"When each person in the relationship operates as an individual, focused on their own interests, needs, and self-interest – this is a major sin against the marital bond, creating layers and separation. These layers conceal the divine presence and prevent it from being revealed and illuminating the darkness.

"When you recognize those interests and that individualistic approach that sin against the marital bond, you'll manage to discover a glimmer of the light that connects you, bringing you back to what you’ve lost, and then the divine presence can be revealed," I clarified.

"So, what is supposed to happen after we work on these three fronts?" Roy asked.

"After diligent work uncovering and revealing the light in your relationship, you’ll merit the revelation of the 'royal glory,' and it will appear to you as a returning light," I explained.

"Then will the excitement we had at the beginning of our relationship return?" Roy asked.

"Much more than that. A returning light will emerge from reality and illuminate from the depths of your relationship outward, revealed precisely from those most practical and simple activities: in the omelet you’re making for Roy, and the gas you’re filling for Ricky in the car.

"This work will enable you to develop simplicity, innocence, naturalness, and good-heartedness in your relationship. Your marital bond will transform into a realm with the infrastructure of a true connection, rather than an exterior relationship that serves the facade of a couple.”

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

For more columns and to get in touch, click here