Why Confidence Disappears in Relationships and How to Restore It

"Listen, Alon is not just anyone, he’s Superman," Nofar said with frustration. "In the reserves everyone follows him. At work he’s a successful manager and everyone respects him. Even in his running group he’s the one who brings people together. But when he comes home to me, he has no idea what I need from him."

"She doesn’t explain what she feels is missing," Alon replied.

"Doesn’t explain?" Nofar said. "How many times have I told you? The same strengths you show in the army, at work, and in your hobbies, bring them into our relationship. I’m exhausted. Honestly, I feel like giving up because it seems there’s no hope."

"Nofar, it’s understandable that you feel frustrated when Alon doesn’t seem to understand you," I said. "And Alon, I’m sure it’s just as frustrating for you not to understand what Nofar wants and to constantly experience disappointment and anger. Let’s try to understand what may be missing here. To do that, we’ll look at the idea of Sefirat HaNetzach."

"Netzach?" Alon asked.

Turning Feelings Into Action

"Netzach is the quality that turns feelings and intentions into action," I explained. "It is the inner strength that helps a person move forward and overcome obstacles. It is the ability to keep trying even when things are difficult."

Alon listened carefully.

"You succeed in overcoming challenges at work, in the army, and in sports," I continued. "But when it comes to your relationship with Nofar, that same determination seems to disappear."

"Of course it disappears," Alon answered. "How can I feel confident if I never get positive feedback?"

A Different Kind of Confidence

"You’re right that confidence is connected to Netzach," I said. "But the confidence you rely on at work or in the army is based on external reinforcement. In a relationship, confidence has to come from a different source."

"External success and praise are limited. Sometimes they lift us up, but they can also disappear just as quickly. There is another source of strength that is deeper and more stable, the confidence that comes from trusting the Creator."

Alon shook his head slightly.

"But how can I feel confident when every initiative ends badly? I booked a hotel and she didn’t like the location. I made a reservation at an expensive restaurant and she doesn’t like meat. Every time I try something, I feel like I fail."

"That is exactly why your confidence cannot depend only on reactions," I explained. "If your strength comes only from feedback, then praise makes you feel strong and criticism makes you collapse. Real strength comes from a deeper place."

Remembering the Beginning

"Try to remember the time when you were courting Nofar," I suggested.

"Back then he knew how to overcome every obstacle," Nofar said. "It felt like he didn’t even notice the difficulties I put in his way. But as soon as he felt secure in the relationship, even small things became impossible obstacles."

"You need to reconnect with the confidence you had at the beginning," I said to Alon. "At that time your confidence went beyond what you saw in front of you. Without that kind of confidence, it is very hard for a relationship to move forward."

"This kind of confidence gives you the courage to take initiative even when the outcome is uncertain."

"But I’ve experienced so many failures since then," Alon said. "How can I go back to that?"

Moving Beyond Failure

"You need to understand that setbacks are temporary," I explained. "They do not define who you are. They are part of the process of building a stable and lasting relationship."

"When you become too focused on past disappointments, you lose the courage to act. Your energy becomes blocked."

"I’m always thinking about how I should react," Alon admitted. "It drives me crazy and makes me feel stuck."

"I keep wondering why he can’t find the strength for me," Nofar added. "Am I really that difficult to approach?"

The Power to Persevere

"This is the point where both of you need to move beyond pure logic and show real dedication," I said. "People often feel divided inside themselves, and naturally their relationships also experience periods of distance."

"The strength to keep going comes from the quality of Netzach, the ability to persevere even when the situation looks discouraging."

I turned to Nofar.

"And you also need to hold on to that same confidence, even when it feels uncertain. Believe that the relationship can succeed."

"How do we do that?" Nofar asked.

Confidence Rooted in Faith

"Sefirat HaNetzach is closely connected to faith," I explained. "Faith gives a person strength that goes beyond logic and understanding. It provides the inner confidence needed to act with courage and determination."

"When a person draws strength from faith, they gain the ability to continue building the relationship even during difficult times."

Faith provides the endurance needed to keep trying, the strength to take initiative, and the confidence to move forward. Through that perseverance, a relationship can grow stronger and more lasting.