Finding Confidence in Relationships: Insights from a Couple's Struggle

"Listen, Alon is not just anyone; he’s Superman. In the reserves, everyone follows him. At work, he’s a successful manager – everyone loves him and pats him on the back, and even in his running group, he has managed to rally the whole city. Yet when he meets me, he has no idea what I want from him," Nofar complained.

"She doesn’t explain to me what she feels she’s lacking," Alon replied.

"Doesn’t explain? How many times have I told you? The qualities you bring so well in the army, at work, and in your hobbies, bring them to us, to our relationship. I’m exhausted, honestly, I’m giving up because there seems to be no hope for this relationship," Nofar turned to me in despair.

"Nofar, it is indeed frustrating that Alon doesn’t understand you, and Alon, I’m sure it’s frustrating for you too, not to understand Nofar and constantly experiencing anger and despair. Let’s try to understand together what’s missing in this relationship, and for that, we’ll rely on the concept of *Sefirat HaNetzach*."

"Netzach?" Alon asked.

"All the insights you have about relationships, and all the emotions you experience, their realization, and descent into reality happen through the *Sefirat HaNetzach*. It’s the same emotional movement that leads you to action, to practice, while overcoming all the obstacles that build up along the way to working on your relationship."

"Where do you see I’m missing that *netzach*?" Alon asked suspiciously.

"You manage to overcome all the obstacles you face at work, in the army, and in sports, yet when you meet Nofar – it seems like all that strength to overcome just disappears," I answered.

"Of course. How can I have confidence if I never receive positive feedback?" Alon asked.

"That’s true, Alon. All matters related to *Sefirat HaNetzach* require confidence and are related to confidence. However, while the self-confidence you experience at work, in the army, and in sports depends on external reinforcement, the self-confidence in the relationship must come from a different source.

"Note that external achievements and feedback are very limited and often disappointing. They have a ceiling. Remember that you have another source, a huge and inexhaustible wellspring from which you can draw strength without limitation: it’s the confidence you gain from the Creator."

"But how will I gain confidence in my abilities if every time I come and initiate – I get such reactions? Here’s an example: I booked us a hotel – she said she didn’t like traveling that far. I booked a really expensive restaurant - she doesn’t really like meat. Everything I dare to do, I only get negative feedback," Alon continued.

"Alon, that’s why it’s important to remember that all your real strengths come from the Creator. When you rely on feedback, the positive feedback inflates you, and then your confidence becomes your enemy, because just as it came – it can disappear.

"Let’s try to understand what kind of confidence you need right now. Try to recall the time when you were courting Nofar."

"Back then, he knew how to overcome all my obstacles... It seems to me he didn’t even notice all the difficulties I threw at him… As soon as he suddenly got me – a grain of dust became an insurmountable obstacle," Nofar complained.

"You need to return to that self-confidence you had at the beginning of the relationship. It was an exaggerated confidence, above the visible reality, and without it, there’s no chance to progress in the relationship. This confidence, which relies on forces above reality, gives the strength to take initiative and allows you to conquer the entire reality," I addressed Alon.

"How is that possible? I've experienced so many failures, how is it possible?" Alon asked.

"You need to understand that these failures are temporary, they don’t say anything about you, and they are part of stabilizing the relationship, which turns it into an eternal bond.

"When you are too caught up in the consciousness of these failures, you lose the courage to rise up and set forth. Your hands become weak for the struggle."

"I’m constantly occupied with thoughts about how I’m supposed to react. It drives me crazy and paralyzes me," Alon said.

"I too always think, how can it be that he can’t find the strength for me? Am I that intimidating? Is it really that hard to reach me?" Nofar expressed her frustration.

"This is the point where both of you need to throw logic aside and show selfless devotion. Because a person today spends most of their time in exile within themselves, naturally, the relationship is also largely in exile. The power to survive this battle comes through that very quality of victory that originates within *Sefirat HaNetzach*, which allows for the eternal existential struggle of the relationship even when it often seems lost.

This is the point where you too, Nofar, when you feel so desperate, need to cling to that self-confidence that sometimes seems exaggerated or imagined, and believe with certainty in that chance you have to win."

"How do we do that?" Nofar asked.

"*Sefirat HaNetzach* reflects faith. Faith is a natural and instinctive experience, it transcends reason and understanding, and it then gives strength and ability to act in reality with authority and confidence. Indeed, practical strengths require faith, as they come to actualize the primary purpose that drives a person."

Chana Dayan [email protected]

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