Breaking Through Walls: How to Get Him to Listen

"Talking to a wall. That's a phrase I only started to understand after I married Jonathan," complained Devorah.

"Do you feel like Jonathan isn't listening to you?" I asked.

"Not listening? He's the most closed-off person I've ever met. Even if there was a tiny opening to connect with him, it's now covered with a protective layer, a concrete wall, and all sorts of insulation that prevent any access.

"Honestly, there's really no one to talk to, and it frustrates me so much," Devorah replied in tears.

"Has he always been like this since you met him?" I asked.

"That's what I don't understand, I remember that what I loved most about him was his ability to be sensitive and attentive to me. He couldn't go on with his day if I was even a little sad.

"Now, I'm crying from pain - and he manages to turn his back to me and go to sleep. He doesn't care about anything, he has become the exact opposite of the person I chose."

"What do you think caused him to change like this?" I asked her.

"Maybe it's because he has me now? Maybe he takes me for granted? If he only knew that at any moment he could lose me, then he would be much more sensitive and attentive to me," she answered.

"That could be true. But there could also be another possibility. Devorah, can you give me an example of how you approach him, and he doesn't listen and shuts down like this?" I asked.

"Of course, it really bothers me that there's no communication between us. So I approach him and tell him that I feel our relationship is really not right. Our communication is terrible, we don't know how to talk, and he never understands me."

"And how does he respond?" I asked.

"He shuts down like a block," she responded.

"Let's try a different approach that might help you reach Jonathan and make him listen to you and truly be with you," I suggested.

"I wish, I'm ready to do anything. I'm really at my wit's end," she replied.

"According to Kabbalah, a man's soul belongs to the world of kindness and abundance, and his language is the language of pleasure. A woman's soul belongs to the world of judgments, and her language is the language of law.

"When you meet with your friend and share the pains and frustrations you have about your relationship with Jonathan, there’s a high chance she understands you and even identifies with the emotional place you’re bringing. This is a language of the soul she's familiar with.

"When you come with sharing your pain or anger to Jonathan, it constricts him, and he feels that his whole world is threatened. He feels how he's not a good husband, and this triggered survival reactions within him. In Jonathan's case, those survival reactions manifest as rigidity and disconnection," I explained.

"So I shouldn't talk to him? I can’t go to him with complaints? Should I just stay quieter?" she asked.

"Of course you can, and I even think it’s advisable to express your need and your significant and meaningful desire in the relationship. You are voicing an essential sound for the relationship, and sometimes it’s even a voice that Jonathan himself cannot express or identify," I said.

"But in order for the things you want to say to be absorbed and effective, you need to change your language to the language of male abundance and pleasure.

"When you express that same complaint, you present the judgments only from the side of emptiness and lack. A more effective way is to bring the judgments along with the kindness and abundance."

"I don’t understand. Can you give an example?" she asked, a bit confused.

"You can frame the complaint in a way that expresses a longing, a yearning. When you talk about your dream, you allow abundance to enter.

"For example, you could say: 'Jonathan, we deserve to enjoy intimate communication.' 'I want us to grow together.' Or 'We deserve to enjoy a good relationship where we feel we understand each other.' 'Let's learn and grow together so we can have fun together.'

"All this language, where abundance is integrated into the judgments, is a language that opens the heart."

Hanna Dayan[email protected]

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