When Love Starts to Feel Like a Business Deal

“I feel like Yael is always avoiding me. I try to get closer, I make gestures and put in so much effort, and she just pulls away,” Michal complained.

There was a long silence in the room.

Then Yael spoke.

“I feel that behind all those efforts, Michal is expecting something in return. Our relationship isn’t supposed to be a business deal. It’s supposed to be a partnership.”

Michal’s frustration immediately rose.

“Oh really? Suddenly it’s about partnership? Most of the time you’re busy shopping, meeting friends, and talking about everyone else. But when you need something, suddenly you remember me.”

When Giving Starts to Feel Like a Transaction

“Michal, your anger is understandable,” I said calmly. “You feel used, and that is a painful feeling. But I want to suggest something deeper.”

Michal looked at me skeptically.

“Your anger is not only about feeling exploited. It is also about the fact that Yael refuses to participate in the same dynamic.”

“What do you mean?” Michal asked.

“In business, mutual exploitation is normal. Each side gives something in order to receive something else. But in a relationship, when giving becomes transactional, the connection slowly begins to break.”

Yael leaned forward.

“So what is the real problem?” she asked.

The Deeper Problem in Many Relationships

“To understand it,” I said, “we need to go back thousands of years to the time of Abraham.”

In Abraham’s time, idol worship dominated the world. People did not worship one central force. Instead, they created many idols, each serving a specific purpose.

There was an idol for wealth, another for food, another for protection, and another for success. If a person needed something, they would turn to the idol associated with that need.

“Abraham shattered this worldview,” I explained. “He introduced a completely different way of relating to life. The relationship with Hashem itself became the center, not what one could receive from it.”

What Does Idol Worship Have to Do With Relationships?

Michal frowned.

“And how does that relate to us?”

“It begins with the relationship you have with yourself,” I said.

“The essence of inner spiritual work is learning to break the idols we create.”

“What idols?” Yael asked.

“All the things we chase after endlessly in order to feel valuable, fulfilled, or important. When something becomes the source of our sense of worth, and Hashem is not part of the picture, that thing becomes an idol.”

Michal thought for a moment.

“You mean the things we believe we cannot live without?”

“Exactly.”

When Means Become the Goal

In modern life, we often confuse the means with the goal.

Take a simple example.

A person buys a home in order to create a warm environment for raising children. But if that person spends most of their time renovating, cleaning, and maintaining the house and barely spends time with the children themselves, the goal has been lost.

Or consider a career.

Someone may pursue success in order to support their family and build a stable home. But if the pursuit of work consumes nearly all their time and energy, leaving no space for family life, the means has replaced the goal.

The same principle applies to pleasure.

Hashem created desires and pleasures as tools that motivate us to build meaningful connections such as marriage, family, nourishment, and community. Hunger pushes us to work, grow food, cook, and sustain ourselves.

But food itself was never meant to be the ultimate purpose.

“How does the world treat food today?” I asked Yael.

“People are obsessed with it,” she answered. “They eat far more than they need.”

“And when pleasure becomes the goal instead of the tool, it often leads to imbalance, illness, and emptiness.”

Returning to the Purpose of the Relationship

The real work in life is learning to place every desire back in its proper place.

Pleasure should serve the goal, not replace it.

When pleasure becomes the goal itself, it loses its natural boundaries and turns into something that controls us instead of something that supports us.

This same dynamic can appear in relationships.

“What is the purpose of your relationship?” I asked them.

“We want a good relationship,” Yael answered.

“Exactly. The connection between you is the goal. Everything else is a means.”

When gestures, gifts, or emotional efforts become tools to extract something in return, they slowly transform into idols that enslave the relationship.

But when giving becomes an expression of connection itself, something shifts.

Learning to Give Without Fear

Michal hesitated.

“How can I give without expecting something in return? Honestly, that feels frightening.”

“What does that fear feel like?” I asked.

“It feels like emptiness,” Michal admitted. “Like everything I know about relationships disappears.”

“That feeling is very common,” I said. “Our culture constantly reinforces the idea that everything must produce an immediate return. We have almost forgotten how to act from a deeper purpose.”

When a person reconnects to the true purpose of the relationship, giving becomes natural again.

Pleasure returns to its proper role. It becomes the energy that fuels connection, rather than the goal itself.

Finding Balance Instead of Avoidance

“So should I avoid all those pleasures completely?” Michal asked.

“Not at all,” I replied.

Avoidance is simply the other side of the same mistake.

When a person either chases pleasure endlessly or runs away from it entirely, they are still allowing it to control their life.

The real path is balance.

When the purpose of the relationship is clear, pleasure can be used correctly. It becomes a healthy force that strengthens the bond instead of replacing it.

When the foundation is aligned with the true goal, the relationship is no longer driven by endless expectations.

Instead, it becomes a place where connection, meaning, and fulfillment can truly grow.