Navigating Relationship Conflicts: A Guide for Couples

"How is it fair that every Shabbat and every holiday is spent according to her side, and when I occasionally ask to do it my way, she immediately starts making faces like she can't be bothered?" complained Shai.

"You're comparing? My parents welcome you with warmth and love as if you're at least their son, while your parents treat me like I'm a thorn in their side," responded Miri.

"Maybe it's because you’re not nice to them and don’t make enough effort to step outside of yourself, like you do for me…" Shai was really getting frustrated.

"I don’t make an effort for you?! If you knew how much effort I put in for you, you would be silent and lower your head. You only see yourself. Where do you get the audacity to say such a thing to me!?" This time, Miri was already shouting.

Then I interrupted them in the middle of the argument.

"Let's take a moment to observe what's happening here from the outside, as if you were in a restaurant, and you see a couple arguing from afar. You can’t hear what they’re arguing about, but based on their body language, you can tell there’s a disagreement.

"From the outside, it looks like each of them feels that the other doesn’t see them, doesn’t respect them, and doesn’t have a place in the relationship. Let’s refer to them as the survival couple.

"Now, shift your gaze slightly to the right, and you’ll see another couple sitting far from you, and according to their body language, you can identify that there is respect and lots of care and love between them. Let’s call them the dream couple.

"I think the survival couple is our realistic picture, and the dream couple is our fantasy," said Shai.

"I suggest another perspective. The dream couple expresses their true essence outwardly, while the survival couple conceals their essence, living in a lie, wearing some sort of survival suit," I proposed.

"What is the survival suit?" asked Miri.

"When a baby is born, they're born with trust in the caregiver. They believe they're good. But then, there are times when encounters with reality prove otherwise, and a psychological survival suit begins to form. We start learning how to survive in the world in order to be seen and get our needs met at all costs. This isn’t my essence; it’s what I believe I need to do to survive.

"Within a relationship, this pattern creates a distance and a kind of isolation between partners. It doesn’t allow us to experience true emotional intimacy because within the survival suit, which is also my rescue suit, there is only room for one person. The other becomes an object that interferes, and if necessary – I’ll stomp and attack, or I’ll avoid contact, or maybe even disappear so that they don’t notice me, and perhaps I’ll survive that way. It's like living in a jungle.

"These couples, who constantly argue – are just two survival suits of yours, arguing against each other. That’s not who you really are.

"The trouble begins when we believe we are our survival suits. Here, in this process, we’ll learn to meet in essence with essence."

"I honestly feel like I have no place in this relationship; it’s as if she takes up all the space," confessed Shai.

"That statement, that 'I have no place,' brings up a lot of pain. It’s precisely through the pain that we can identify the vulnerabilities you’re currently talking about," I said.

"Of course, it will hurt me. I’m the victim here," Shai replied.

"In your world, your survival method is to retreat to a shelter and close the door because now you are a victim, and she is the aggressor," I explained.

"I feel like Miri is constantly pressing my sensitive buttons, as if she does it intentionally," Shai said angrily.

"Miri is the greatest expert in pressing your survival buttons, and no one is more skilled at it than she is. When you chose Miri, you chose her because you were able to see her essence, and she was able to awaken your essence. But you also chose her because there’s something in her that will help you rectify things from your life prior to your relationship. You love Miri because of her essence, but there’s something hidden that you want to rectify. This is an opportunity, finally, for each of you to mend your soul.

"In every relationship, one side always presses the buttons of the other side. This pressing is an invitation for us to repair unresolved places in ourselves, which are products of past experiences, traumas, and difficult and wounded spots."

"We are born into connection, hurt in connection, and healed in connection" (Dr. Hendricks).

Hannah Dayan [email protected]

For all columns and to get in touch, click here