My shidduch Came Right to My Door—And I Almost Didn’t Let Him In

"If ten years ago someone had told me that today, at 41, I’d be telling my story as a married woman and mom of four—may there be many more—I’d have laughed or cried, or maybe both," begins Tzvia Handelsman as she shares her inspiring life story.

"Back then, everything felt hard and hopeless. The journey I went through was intensely turbulent and anything but simple. I married at 23, but unfortunately I immediately realized I’d fallen into a serious trap—and I didn’t even know how deep it was. I was ready to do anything—counseling, therapy, whatever it took—just not get divorced. But Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky saw it differently and ruled to divorce immediately."

It was an extremely painful crisis. Tzvia notes that the hardship was even greater because she was left alone, without the support of her family, who struggled to accept the "terrible stain" of a divorced daughter—especially at a time when the stigma around divorce was intensely negative.

"I felt completely shattered," she recalls, "but the truth is that only now, looking back, can I say that the very crisis I went through as a young woman was my rebirth—the thing that grew me to heights I couldn’t have imagined."  

From Rock Bottom to the Rise

So how does a young divorcée who feels her life has shattered into pieces cope? "At the time, the only thing I knew as calming and comforting was carbs and sweets," she admits. "So I leaned on them often, which led to major weight gain and the onset of Type 2 diabetes. I was broken and exhausted. Some days, the only thing that gave me the strength to go on was the mitzvot 'Choose life' — nothing else — and the only tool I had was prayer to the Master of the World. The siddur and Tehillim, as well as my pillow, absorbed many tears. I prayed a lot."

And as we know, no prayer returns empty. Tzvia emphasizes that the deepest pains are what ultimately led to deliverance. "After a period of struggle and indecision, I came to the conclusion that 'If I am not for myself, who will be for me?' and decided I wasn’t willing to stay stuck in despair and frustration," she says. "I chose a new path and began caring for myself—body and soul. I felt, tangibly, the words: 'On the path a person wants to take, they are led,' because from the moment I decided to care for myself, Hashem sent me incredible, professional, devoted messengers who truly helped me be reborn."

So how did you actually do it?

"I poured my energy into every area and pushed myself to go to therapy, which required a lot of time and money. I cut back in many ways so I could invest in myself—and it paid off, big time. I received myself as a gift, like a new woman. I made a major shift to a healthy lifestyle. In that area I was like someone starting from scratch and felt like a newly observant person, reborn. At the same time, I studied nutrition and counseling, and later I studied coaching with certification from the Coaches Association and began working in this field, mainly on healthy lifestyle change."

Faith, Faith, and More Faith

Throughout those years of study and self-work, Tzvia says she refused to hear about matches. "Aside from the wig I wore, I was single in every way. But when the moment came when I felt ready and wanted to get married, I discovered the shidduchim being suggested weren’t exactly exciting... and what remained was to continue praying to Hashem to send me the one meant for me. For me, singleness wasn’t an option, and I made every effort I could to build a home and start a family."

Honestly—did you believe the shidduch would come?

"Yes, I believed it completely, and even in tough times I always tried to encourage myself and strengthen my faith that things would be good and that Hashem loves me—even when I felt I was almost drowning and salvation seemed further away than ever. Years earlier, I had also received a blessing from a very great man in these words: 'With Hashem’s help, your shidduch will come all the way to your home,' and I believed it would."

But she can’t resist adding one more line: "My shidduch did reach my home—and I wouldn’t open the door..."

What do you mean?

"It happened when a client who came to me through a newspaper ad realized I wasn’t married and tried to suggest my future husband. But the suggestion didn’t match the checklist I’d built in my imagination and didn’t fit the criteria of the person I pictured myself building a home with. Like any normal person, I wanted a husband who was emotionally healthy—but beyond that, I had additional wants: I wanted a Torah scholar, learned, sensitive, financially stable, with no children from a previous marriage, someone growing spiritually on his own—and more, and more. I felt that after everything I’d gone through and faced with courage, having guarded myself—and of course after waiting so many years—I was worth something truly special. How could it be that now, of all times, I should compromise...?"

"In addition, I grew up in a home of love for Torah and outreach done with true devotion and love of Hashem, and I had the privilege for fifteen years to support my grandfather, a towering Torah scholar and a truly righteous man. Love of Torah was in my soul, and I felt I deserved nothing less than the gadol hador."

What helped her then was that, as a professional, she understood she needed the help of a professional guide for life, so she connected with a coach and mentor for marriage readiness. "On Lag BaOmer that year, flooded with insights from the coaching I experienced, I traveled to Meron, prayed from the depths of my heart, and took upon myself to strengthen in joy—whatever the circumstances. My breakthrough came on the way back to Jerusalem, not as a shidduch suggestion, but as a powerful insight that changed everything for me: 'Maybe Hashem’s will is that I face precisely the things I don’t want, and as long as I’m not ready to accept His will, I’ll probably remain alone?' The great kindness Hashem did with me was that I understood that if I wanted to realize the dream of getting married and building a family, I would have to come down to earth and look at the suggestions out there and see what they did have to offer."

בנה של צביה, ידידיה, על יד הכותל

Then you met your husband?

"Yes, but it was anything but simple," she replies. "From the first suggestion to the wedding, about nine months passed—like the months of a pregnancy—and I share the process, which has a lot to learn from, in a talk called 'Against All Odds.' When people asked me, 'How did you agree to compromise on things that were so important to you?' I answered that I didn’t compromise—I chose. I chose to build a relationship and a family instead of staying alone. I was determined and stubborn about succeeding in building a good, happy life, and I didn’t let myself give up despite all the challenges. I tried to show Hashem that I wouldn’t surrender to the difficulties—and He didn’t remain indebted. I received, Baruch Hashem, a truly special husband. He didn’t check every single box on my list, but between us—who has a husband who actually checks every box? He certainly has the most important things: pleasantness, good character, diligence, and a willingness to learn and change."

"Regarding my dream to merit the next gadol hador—I followed the path of Rachel, the wife of Rabbi Akiva, and I came with the will and readiness to build my own Rabbi Akiva. During the shidduch, when I realized my husband—who was divorced with two children—wasn’t sitting and learning, I asked my late father what he thought, and he answered: 'Check that he has love of Torah. If he truly has love of Torah, with your wisdom as a woman you’ll bring him to where you want...' And thank Hashem, today my husband sits and learns for half the day and his desire for Torah is strong."

העוגה שצביה מכינה לכלות שהיא מלווה

The Goal: Helping Women Break Free

Today, Tzvia raises her four wonderful children with deep satisfaction and joy. "I received true gifts, and my greatest dream is to enjoy Jewish nachas from them and see them grow on the straight path," she says.

She also has another dream she’s developed over the years: helping women and girls who face life’s challenges break free. "To that end, I studied many professional tools," she notes, "such as personal and emotional coaching, NLP, CBT, therapy through cooking—'Happy Pot'—and jewelry making. I built a unique program I call 'And You Shall Choose Life,' which, Baruch Hashem, is helping many women and girls who are struggling. I’m happy to share that there are many success stories in situations where even great people almost gave up. I also built a model called "Your HaEIRU'A"—a model for achieving dreams based on professional tools combined with insights from my personal world, and of course with a Jewish, Torah-based approach. I teach it in lectures and workshops and in one-on-one mentoring."

"Over time, young women turned to me for help during this challenging season around the most important issue in life—relationships—and, Baruch Hashem, I’ve had the privilege of bringing smiles back to their faces. There’s no greater joy than getting a message from a woman who worked with me, telling me she’s happy and has just had a baby or is about to, and that life is good."

Do you think professional support during this period is a must?

"Of course not. Clearly, every woman can manage on her own and, with Hashem’s help, reach the wedding chuppah. The question is: Do you want to arrive in a Mercedes or in a horse and buggy? Would you like a clear map to help you find the best path for you to reach the goal? Pre-marriage mentoring is really a gift to yourself—to make this time easier and save a lot of heartache along the way. We also all hear so many stories of relationship failures nowadays, not the successes. That creates intense fears that block people from moving toward marriage. From experience, it’s wise and important to get guidance and strength in order to do this in the best way possible."

Is there a message you can share with women who feel "stuck" in shidduchim?

"My message is simple and singular: When you ask yourself, 'Why hasn’t my match come yet?' remind yourself that, in most cases, the answer isn’t in the place you think it is. It’s in other places—usually rooted in the subconscious, and sometimes in even deeper parts of the soul. From my personal experience and with clients, anyone who is willing to be courageous and face her truest inner truth, as painful as it may be, will find that the path to deliverance becomes easier and closer."

"And even if you sought help and feel it didn’t help you, don’t despair. Pray to Hashem to guide you to the best coaching/mentoring/therapy for you, that they should be good messengers for you. And by your next birthday, with Hashem’s help, you can be both a wife and a mother."

Contact Tzvia: [email protected]