When the Butterflies Fade: The Four Stages of Real Love

“I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore,” Naomi said sadly. “During the first two years we had love, and then it just disappeared.”

“I don’t love her?” Razy responded in surprise. “I do everything to make her happy. Of course I love her.”

“I just feel like you’re not interested in me anymore,” Naomi replied.

“What do you think love is?” I asked.

“True friendship… attraction,” Naomi answered.

“Caring, concern,” Razy added.

“All of those are important parts of love,” I explained. “But the essence of romantic love is the deep desire of two people to become one.”

“Yes,” Naomi said, “but what about those butterflies in your stomach? That excitement?”

“The feeling of falling in love is a kind of imaginary glue,” I replied. “Hashem created it so two very different people who don’t know each other can connect quickly and strongly.”

“So you’re saying falling in love isn’t real?” Naomi asked.

“Real things are lasting,” I explained. “Falling in love is more like excitement that answers a temporary emotional longing. That’s why it fades.”

“So if the feeling disappears,” Naomi asked, “does that mean the love is gone?”

“No,” I said. “What disappears is the infatuation. Real love is something that must be built carefully and maturely. Otherwise, people keep longing for the temporary excitement they once had.”

“So everything that happened until now doesn’t count?” Naomi asked. “Was it just an illusion?”

“No,” I answered. “It was a necessary stage. But if you want deep, stable love, you need to build it step by step.”

I then explained that King Solomon describes four stages of love in Shir HaShirim: “My sister, my bride, my dove, my perfect one.” Each represents a stage in building lasting love.

Stage One: My Sister

The first stage is building security in the relationship.

At this stage, a husband and wife relate to each other like family, like siblings. Not in a romantic sense, but in the sense of permanence. Just as siblings remain siblings for life, the relationship is experienced as something that cannot simply be broken.

Some couples live with a kind of imaginary suitcase packed in the corner. During arguments they say things like “Maybe we shouldn’t have married,” or “Maybe we made a mistake.”

When those thoughts exist, the relationship never feels secure. One partner is always wondering when it will end.

“I actually feel this,” Razy said. “Naomi sometimes talks about her first boyfriend and wonders if maybe she should have married him. It makes me feel unstable.”

I turned to Naomi.

“When Razy feels that your commitment is conditional, it prevents him from giving himself fully to the relationship.”

Naomi sighed. “I honestly don’t always feel certain that we’ll grow old together.”

“Even if the certainty isn’t there yet,” I said, “you still need to give one hundred percent. Only full commitment opens the door to love.”

Stage Two: My Bride

The second stage is the love between a man and a woman.

Here the couple builds the deepest relationship in their lives.

“Razy shares things with his friend Moaz that he doesn’t share with me,” Naomi complained.

“She doesn’t want me spending time with Moaz,” Razy replied. “I don’t understand why she’s jealous of our friendship.”

“I’m not asking you to give up your friendships,” I explained. “But your closest emotional connection must be with Naomi. Every other relationship in your life should come after that one.”

When a spouse feels secondary to friends or family, the foundation of the relationship weakens.

Stage Three: My Dove

“What does that stage mean?” Razy asked.

“Inner love,” I explained.

This is the ability to give based on the needs of the other person, not on your own desires.

It means learning to truly see your partner, understanding what they need emotionally and recognizing that they are uniquely suited for you.

This stage does not happen naturally. It comes only after much work and only after the first two stages are established.

Stage Four: My Perfect One

“What is complete love?” Razy asked.

“Complete love means you become a true unit,” I explained. “Your strengths combine, and your weaknesses are faced together.”

Some couples encounter difficulties and fall apart. Others face the same difficulties and emerge stronger.

The difference is whether they see the problem as my problem or our problem.

“When Razy’s challenges are also yours,” I told Naomi, “it means you are standing on the same side.”

“That’s exactly what I tell him when he’s messy and inconsiderate,” Naomi said.

“What’s the big deal?” Razy replied. “I want to live my way and you live yours.”

“Marriage doesn’t work like that,” I said gently. “You are now part of one shared unit. Problems and solutions belong to both of you.”

When couples solve challenges together, they grow closer rather than further apart.

Only when all four stages exist together can love grow deeper and stronger over the years.