Back to Back: The Hidden Danger in Many Marriages

“I feel like during the week he’s busy with his career, and on weekends he’s busy with his hobbies. I’m not even part of his circle of friends. Honestly, it would be easier for me to live alone,” Miri said in frustration.

“I don’t understand what she wants from me,” Eliyahu replied angrily. “Just because she has no life doesn’t mean I should give up mine.”

“Do you see?” Miri turned to me. “He doesn’t even feel the pain I have about this relationship that barely exists.”

Eliyahu looked at me. “Wouldn’t it be better if she found a hobby she enjoys? Then she’d have more interest in life.”

“No,” I answered.

“Then I’m sorry, but I can’t keep living like this,” he said. “I feel like a prisoner.”

“I would like to help you free yourselves from that feeling,” I said calmly. “To do that, we need to understand something important about how relationships function.”

Three Positions in a Relationship

“In every relationship,” I explained, “there are three psychological positions couples can find themselves in."

"Back to back
Side by side
Face to face.”

“The most difficult and survival based position is the first one: back to back. In this state, the relationship barely exists emotionally. Each person develops their own world and looks in a different direction.”

“When couples live back to back, they remain technically married and carry all the responsibilities that come with it, but internally they feel alone.”

“That’s exactly what I’m fighting against,” Miri said. “I can’t accept living like that.”

“And your anger reflects that,” I told her. “You are turning your face toward Eliyahu and asking for connection. Your frustration comes from feeling that he is still turned away from you.”

Eliyahu sighed. “So what am I supposed to do?”

“You need to turn toward her,” I explained. “Develop sensitivity to what she is experiencing. Notice her needs.”

“And you, Miri,” I added gently, “should not give up on the relationship. Keep directing your energy toward building the connection instead of retreating into despair.”

The Partnership Stage

“Do you mean I should help more at home?” Eliyahu asked.

“I’m not looking for a partner,” Miri replied sharply. “I’m looking for a spouse.”

“Actually,” I said, “partnership is already a step forward.”

“What do you mean by partnership?” Eliyahu asked.

“That is the side by side position. It’s similar to how a couple stands under the chuppah, looking in the same direction.”

“In this stage, the couple shares goals and responsibilities. They run the household together, make decisions together, and maintain respect for one another.”

“It often works well operationally, almost like a business partnership.”

“That sounds good to me,” Eliyahu said. “Let’s get there.”

“The problem,” I explained, “is that partnership alone doesn’t create deep emotional connection.”

“Many couples function perfectly on the outside. They manage their home and responsibilities well. But once the children leave the house, they suddenly realize they hardly know each other.”

Miri nodded slowly. “That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.”

“Sometimes,” I continued, “people admire couples from the outside because everything looks organized and calm. But internally the relationship may lack deep friendship.”

“A healthy relationship requires emotional closeness, shared experiences, and real conversation.”

The Ideal: Face to Face

“So what should we aim for?” Eliyahu asked.

“The healthiest position in a relationship is face to face.”

“This is a state where the couple truly integrates their lives. Each partner learns to recognize the other’s needs, weaknesses, strengths, and dreams.”

“At the chuppah, the couple begins side by side, but their journey is meant to lead them to face each other fully.”

“But how does that look in practice?” Eliyahu asked.

“In practical terms, it means that your free time should include both of your worlds. Part of your time together should revolve around Miri’s interests, and part around yours.”

“What frustrates me,” Eliyahu said, “is that everything revolves around her world. She’s constantly trying to change me.”

“Miri will need to learn to allow you to remain yourself,” I explained. “Trying to reshape a partner often comes from frustration and fear.”

“At the same time, Eliyahu, you must learn to become more aware of her emotional needs.”

“So what does that mean practically?” he asked.

“It means small daily acts of awareness. Before you sit down somewhere, check that she has a place. Before you leave for work, hobbies, or friends, ask how she’s doing.”

“Does she need your help? Your attention? Your presence?”

“When couples truly experience themselves as one unit, they can’t remain indifferent to the other person’s feelings.”

“If Miri is hurting, you feel it too. Decisions are no longer made independently, because every choice affects the shared life you’ve built.”

“When you reach that level of awareness and mutual care,” I concluded, “the relationship stops being two separate worlds, and becomes one shared life.”