Emotional Hunger: More Than Just Chores

Our sages say that in the days of the Messiah there will be hunger—not hunger for bread or thirst for water, but for the word of Hashem. This implies that the concept of "hunger" does not apply only to food, but also to spiritual matters. Today, we acknowledge another kind of hunger: emotional hunger. It's important to recognize that the damages from emotional hunger can be just as severe as physical hunger. However, before we delve deeper, let’s provide a brief introduction to emotional hunger.

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Gila came home after a long, exhausting workday. She sank into her couch, ready to share her headache with her husband, Roni. Of course, Roni immediately offered her an *Acamol*. Gila, in her heart, thanked her "genius" husband for the monumental discovery: she finally learned that when you have a headache, you take *Acamol*! At 42 years old, she had never known about this miraculous pill that eases headaches... Gila continued to ponder, "Why doesn't the oaf understand that when I say my head hurts, I want someone to support me and tell me a kind word about the hard work I put in all day to support our family?"

Dear readers, Gila is not alone. Hundreds of women face the same issue daily with husbands who can't read their emotional maps. Now, does anyone know where to purchase this map?

The answer is in this article.

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Why is emotional need so crucial for a person? In the *Gemara*, in *Kiddushin 111*, Rabbi Yochanan explains the verse, "And whiteens the teeth with milk": it’s better to bring a smile to someone’s face (to smile at them) than to give them milk to drink. In these few words, Rabbi Yochanan wanted to teach us the wonderful principle that emotional need outweighs physical need. Drinking milk is a physical need. Rabbi Yochanan teaches us that emotional need is even greater. A smile is an emotional fulfillment. When I smile at someone, I fill them with a spiritual light called joy because the soul that Hashem created enjoys smiles. Thus, it’s highly advisable to flex your mouth muscles and practice smiling before entering the house. How? Stretch the muscles around your mouth upwards, and voilà—smile! For those still struggling, standing by a *chanukiah* and mimicking its shape might help. Today, many beautifully designed *chanukiyot* are in the market, but in the classic, simple *chanukiah*, there are four "smiles" that hint at four smiles you should share with others. The first smile corresponds to the *Shacharit* prayer: when you finish praying and roll up your *tefillin*, don’t forget to smile at the friend sitting next to you in prayer and others around you. The second smile corresponds to the *Mincha* prayer: smile at your coworkers. The third smile corresponds to the *Arvit* prayer: when you return home to your wife. And the fourth smile is for your children, corresponding to the *Shema* you read with them before bed.

So, what is emotional need? Many husbands wonder, "I clean the house, wash the dishes, and even do laundry. Why doesn’t my wife stop bothering me? My friend, on the other hand, doesn’t lift a finger at home, and his wife treats him like a king. What’s going on?"

Dear husbands, yes, helping around the house is important. But you must realize you may be filling the wrong tank. Not every time your wife needs help around the house is actually about the chores; sometimes what she needs is the attention you are failing to give her.

A husband who comes home after a taxing day of work, only to be presented with a large plate of green cucumbers, will likely apologize to his wife and say that while cucumbers are a nice addition, he would prefer that next time there’s also some bread on the table.

Dear husband, every day you come home and bring your wife a "cucumber," then you feel you've met her needs. But know that your wife is embarrassed to tell you that a cucumber does not satisfy her. She doesn’t seek a cucumber; she wants bread. Bread signifies warm and loving attention, provided with kind words. That’s why she chooses to hint to you. Thus, a light bulb goes on, called lack of attention. In a car, there’s a dashboard that alerts about malfunctions. On her dashboard, nothing is written; she simply bothers you incessantly. And you don't understand how to decode this dashboard, which until now, no one has bothered to explain to you how it works. Up until now, you’ve given her an important need called help around the house, but that is not the need that is truly missing for her.

You’re not entirely to blame; after all, when you discussed this in the past and asked her why she behaves unpleasantly towards you, she replied that you don’t help around the house. In response, you immediately started washing the dishes in the sink. But she still continued bothering you. And even the next time you asked her why she continued her unpleasant behavior, she told you she needed a new kitchen like in the commercials. Again, you stepped up, saved some money, and bought her a new kitchen. But that didn’t help either.

And immediately, the confused husband asks why she continues to be bothersome and behave unpleasantly. The answer is: you didn’t correctly read the complex dashboard of women. Because it’s easy to know if the car is low on gas; a light comes on, even with a nice picture illustrating it. However, the woman’s dashboard presents different lights, without illustrations. And what are they? She starts bothering you.

So what to do?

Don’t stop helping around the house because that’s very important too, but from now on, you must know that this isn’t the tank that needs to be filled at this moment. When the light goes on for her, and she starts bothering you, know that you shouldn’t start cleaning the house, and you don’t have to buy expensive things that in most cases don’t fit the family’s financial situation. From now on, it’s clearly understood that these lights are signals of distress for something else. And what is the distress? I need attention. In other words: just as you don’t enjoy eating cucumbers when you’re hungry, I also don’t enjoy eating cucumbers when I’m hungry. I don’t need you to clean the house right now; I need you to compliment me for the effort I put into making soup for you, but I’m just embarrassed to tell you this. That feeling of lack drives me to bother you.

Rabbi Shmuel Cohen zt"l brought in his book *The Jewish Home* that in one of his lectures, when he pointed out to the audience that most marital difficulties are related to a lack of emotions, one listener argued that his case was different: "My wife is simply selfish; she’s only interested in fulfilling her own needs. She wants to travel abroad twice a year, frequently change the furniture in our apartment, and also the entire set of her clothing." The rabbi responded to that man by explaining that his wife’s desires prove that she has a deficiency she's trying to fill. It’s possible that the things she requests are actually her way of fulfilling her "self." Through these things, she seeks the affection of those around her. Therefore, the rabbi told him, if you provided her with her "self" through the appropriate means—compliments and emotions—she wouldn’t need to seek more extravagant substitutes.

We must believe and internalize that the work of offering compliments can solve nearly all problems. Many people who sought advice from a professional, claiming their wife was extravagant, returned home with a clear and detailed plan on how they could act honestly and not extravagantly from then on. Yet, all the advice yielded nothing. Why did this happen? Because the counselor did not address the root of the issue. The unnecessary expenses did not stem from the wife’s desires, but from the husband’s lack of support. And once the problem wasn’t solved from its root, it recurred over and over. Because that woman, who didn’t receive supportive attention from her husband, sought to receive the need called attention in other ways. Therefore, even if they consult a thousand advisers, it won’t help at all.

And I have no doubt, based on my accumulated experience over the years, that husbands who took these matters seriously made a revolution in their homes, and many issues they faced in their relationships disappeared as if they had never existed.

In future articles, *B’Ezrat Hashem*, we will present our readers with wonderful advice that can help us learn how to compliment better.

Rabbi Avraham Pardo is a community rabbi, couples advisor, and parenting coach, author of the book *In the Pathways of Peace*, and a therapist in the *Chashan* department.

*Chashan Department—home peace, parenting, and tranquility offers therapists nationwide. You can receive advice via ZOOM.

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