Navigating Choices in Relationships: A Conversation on Decision-Making

"I really think that if she learned to make choices from me, our lives would be much easier," Gidi said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"She spends half her life thinking: what clothes to wear? What to buy? What’s better to do? Which friends to meet? It exhausts me and drains my energy and time. Why can’t she just go with the flow? We agreed to go to a café, why do we have to introduce so many dilemmas?" Gidi asked in frustration.

"Do you think it's easier for you to choose?" asked Ma'ira, lighting up Gidi. "I feel completely sure about my decision for a moment, and then soon I have doubts again, and it's really important for me to do things wholeheartedly. I'm not willing to compromise on that!"

"But you can't plan anything like this! Everything gets postponed until the last moment. Remember when we decided to have a date night every Wednesday? You can never know if it will actually happen in the end, because it depends on how you wake up in the morning or how our previous night went."

"I also think it’s important to have anchors in our relationship, but what do you prefer? That I force myself?" she asked.

"Let's take a moment to examine this important discussion and try to understand: what is a choice?"

"A lot of people confuse preference with choice. A big part of all the dilemmas you experience, Ma'ira, isn’t necessarily about choice, but rather clarifying what she prefers."

"What's the difference?" asked Gidi.

"In preference – I am naturally drawn to something, and the moment I no longer enjoy it, because it’s unpleasant, unappetizing, or uncomfortable – I stop preferring it."

"So what is a choice?" asked Gidi.

"Choice arises from a place in the soul where I am freed from my preferences. It allows me to go for something just because I chose it, and there’s no side that ties me or obliges me.

"I really feel it’s harder for me to choose than Gidi, do you think it’s connected to me being a woman and him being a man?" asked Ma'ira.

"According to Kabbalah, a man is above reality. This allows him to disconnect his preferences much more easily and replace them with others. When he disconnects his preferences, his ability to choose opens up, and then he can go with it full force."

"And what’s the difficulty for women?" Ma'ira asked.

"A woman is where the connection occurs. She is the foundation, and she is very much connected to reality. It’s no coincidence that a woman is compared to the moon – she is tied to time, and she has a very clear limit as to when she is fruitful, unlike a man. In this structure, where the woman is connected to time and reality, she feels bound by these limitations, and giving them up feels like giving up part of herself."

"It's no coincidence that many couples come in where the man says: 'I dream, and she destroys all my dreams. I invite her to sit with me at a café, and she says: 'How can we go out with all the dishes in the sink?'. I tell her that I've booked us a romantic getaway at a hotel, and she tells me that this is exactly the Shabbat when our son is coming back from yeshiva. It’s like she has a pin in her hand, and she’s constantly popping my dreams.'"

"This is because her sense of reality is so strong that it makes it very hard for her to jump to a dimension that is detached from reality. It’s important to understand that our main difficulty in making choices isn’t about what I choose, but about what I am willing to give up."

"I feel my difficulty is that I’m searching for certainty," Ma'ira said.

"But there’s really no certainty in anything," Gidi replied.

"But there is a sense of certainty, where you can feel certain, even though you don’t get complete certainty. When I search for complete certainty, and combine that with a sense of responsibility, then I’m constantly thinking about risks and sacrifices, and an even bigger break in the trust I have to rely on myself is created. The choice is kind of like a gamble you make and commit to, without a feeling of certainty."

"But what if I feel doubt in my choice?" she asked.

"You’re overvaluing the choice despite the doubt, you’re agreeing to see what you’re losing."

"So I understand I have nothing to do about it?" Gidi asked.

"Of course you do. First of all, understanding the mental structure allows you to approach the difficulty with compassion. Understand that it’s not Ma'ira who is ‘destroying’ dreams or ‘not going with the flow’, but she’s just very connected to reality, and that’s an important thing.

"When you channel your energy to her with a lot of trust and love, you help her rise above reality, and that allows her to choose much more easily. Give her trust that she can choose even without her emotional heart, that she is capable of making that leap and gambling."

"Ma'ira, it’s okay not to feel completeness. The most important thing is to value and be committed to your choice, in fluidity and comfort. Therefore, in order for us to assist in the choosing process, we won’t delve into the content of the choice, but rather the mechanism. There’s a decision here, and it’s not perfect, and there won’t be certainty. Therefore, we’re learning to take a decision, rather than to arrive at a decision."

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

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