Rediscovering Connection: What Happened to Our Excitement for Each Other?

"I feel like Rafael doesn’t listen to me, and I think I've long ceased to interest him," said Adal.

"Why do you say that?" Rafael asked her.

"I remember how you used to chase after me. You would call me nine times a day, tell me how much you missed me, buy me little gifts, look me in the eyes, and listen to everything I had to say, even if it wasn’t interesting to you..." Adal replied.

"Of course, I felt that you were waiting for me, that you were expecting just me. Ever since we had kids, you stopped being available to me; you’re only busy with them. When I take the initiative, plan vacations, and buy you gifts—they never suit you, you're never satisfied, and I've just given up and stopped," Rafael answered her.

"Rafael, what would you like to see happen?" I asked.

"I want us to feel that same excitement for each other, as if it’s just the two of us taking on the world together," he replied.

"Allow me to suggest a perspective that could bring order and a clearer view of the relationship's structure.

"The foundation of a romantic relationship is based on a wide variety of connections, within changing parameters of time and place. The connections you had when you first met were nearly limitless and revealed very bright lights of each of your essences, all created so that two strangers who just met would agree and want to be together forever and build a shared life," I explained.

"That’s exactly what I’m asking, where did those bright lights go? Where did the excitement in the relationship vanish? I feel like I've been duped," Rafael said with frustration.

"You both asked earlier where the lights from the beginning of the relationship went. You’re expressing the same thing. Moreover, why create connections that are defined by time and place? Why not try to hold onto that brilliantly lit space filled with excitement that was there at the start of the relationship? What’s the point of so much effort, which might only yield a flicker of light, compared to the bright lights at the beginning of the relationship? Why can’t we just go back to those bright lights directly?" I questioned.

"I don’t know. Maybe because we started to disappoint each other, and little by little the lights dimmed?" Adal answered.

"That’s not the reason we can’t access those bright lights directly. Those bright lights didn't have a foundation yet; they were created for an initial connection that was very strong. That’s why many couples envision that this is how a good romantic relationship should look, and then they tend to crash very hard," I replied.

"So what is that foundation?" Rafael asked.

"Many connections composed of movements from the man and the woman in reality," I answered.

"Can you give an example?" Rafael asked.

"For instance, you invited her to a movie and bought her a gift. This action created a light that reveals something new in Adal, and from that, the light in the romantic connection is also revealed," I explained.

"And what if she doesn’t want to go to the movie, and she doesn’t like the gift?" he asked.

"There’s still a connection, and it will still illuminate Adal just from your attempt, even if that movement doesn’t result in anything. You can think of it like a ball game. You, Rafael, are the one holding the ball first. You need to wait and see that Adal is ready to catch the ball, and then you can throw it to her," I clarified.

"That’s the problem; I throw her the ball all the time, and she doesn’t even lift her hands to catch it," he complained.

"She really needs to be ready to catch the ball; only then will she be able to catch it," I replied.

"So how can I influence Adal so she will be ready to make that move and catch the ball?" he asked.

"She needs to experience you being really focused on her, putting aside all your personal distractions. Then she will feel secure enough to lift her hands and wait for you to throw her the ball," I responded.

"How do you expect me to catch the balls you're throwing if I’m holding a baby in one hand and organizing the house with the other?" Adal angrily replied to Rafael.

"Adal, Rafael didn’t have that sensitivity, and from his perspective, he felt and thought that you weren't interested in playing with him. This caused him to focus on himself, and thus the initial point from which he entered the relationship, with all the courtship and focus on you, became distorted. His actions became less real, whole, and clean. As the distortion grew—the ability for both of you to create something real in the relationship was diminished, leading you to start recycling various imagined and inauthentic gestures that crushed you each time," I explained.

"That’s exactly what frustrates me; I feel like everything is fake, like I can’t get anything real from him. I need something authentic, clean, and pure. I’m not willing to compromise," she declared.

"That’s an excellent aspiration towards a direction that needs to be reached. Additionally, it’s very important to allow as many connections as possible to occur, even if they don’t feel luminous, and even if they don’t feel so natural and clean," I advised.

"What good are all those connections if they aren’t real? What’s the point overall?" she asked.

"They may not be as clean and pure as you would expect, but that doesn’t mean they’re not real. This binary demand for connections to be so pure and high is a kind of request to end the relationship, because you can’t base a relationship on those bright lights, as I said before. These connections are the space in which your children and your environment breathe and grow, even if they are at great distances apart.

"What allows for the discovery of the lights is precisely the small connections that occur in everyday reality. This is a kind of law that Hashem instilled in the world so that the relationship can exist over time. It’s true that sometimes it seems like technical descriptions, and at times there’s a lack of understanding of their essence, but it’s important to understand that the light descends and flows through these connections into the romantic relationship," I explained.

"Just so you know, this suddenly seems discouraging to me; is this relationship going to become technical?" Adal asked.

"Not at all! All these technical connections, which at times seem so dry, are the foundation for building the higher levels. They will enable a transformation in the nature of the relationship and elevate it to a higher place," I reassured her.

All details have been changed for privacy protection.

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

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