When Relationship Instructions Could Help: Navigating Emotional Turbulence Together

"I give up! I can’t deal with her anymore!" Gilad erupted in frustration.

"Deal with me?" Shirael responded, raising her voice.

"Honestly, it's too much for me. I didn’t get an instruction manual when we got married, and I don’t know how to handle this imbalance of hers," Gilad replied.

"Imbalance of mine? Are you serious?!" Shirael was now yelling.

"Yeah, I’m fed up with this madness," Gilad said helplessly.

"Madness?!" Shirael screamed, and the walls seemed to tremble.

"Let’s pause for a second. You can fight for free at home and it's a waste of every minute you're spending here. Gilad said he didn’t get an instruction manual when you got married. Gilad, if I give you an instruction manual for relationships, would that help you?" I asked.

"Help? I'm thirsty for something like that," Gilad replied in desperation.

"Are you willing to be a wall for each other?" I asked.

"Of course," Shirael said.

"Sure," Gilad affirmed.

"How am I supposed to be a wall?" Shirael questioned.

"The woman brings the structure to the relationship. She's the place where everything happens and where the man channels his powers into the relationship. When you bring your longing, you create a kind of mold, walls of a home, into which Gilad channels his energies. This space is critical for him; it gives him a sense of meaning and value in the relationship, so his energies aren’t wasted and go nowhere," I explained.

"Do you think he listens to me? He does whatever he wants," Shirael complained.

"And how do you react when he doesn’t listen to you?" I asked.

"I get angry. Then he immediately plays the victim and tells me how his friends' wives support them, and only I don’t," she answered.

"Shirael, the work we’ll do together is about connecting to the true point that exists within you. To express your longing and needs accurately, with a lot of assertiveness, and not to be influenced by any external perceptions of how you should look and what people will think of you. This will help Gilad know exactly what powers you need from him, and it will make him feel significant and valuable, as his energy will be directed efficiently to the relationship, instead of leaking into other areas."

"And how can I be a wall for her?" Gilad asked.

"One of the ways to help Shirael stand as a strong and stable wall, encompassing your powers, is for you to stand firm, like a kind of breakwater, against her emotional world."

"What do you mean?" Gilad asked.

"When Shirael brings a claim to you, she’s expressing an emotional movement within her soul. It’s quite similar to the energy you, as a man, bring towards her, just in a different form.

"When you start reacting to the claims she brings, indirectly, you’re telling her: it’s not mine, it’s yours. Based on the facts, there’s no grip on reality here; it’s something you’re imagining with yourself, you’re exaggerating and being dramatic. Shirael feels dismissed in her emotional world, as if her drama is imaginary, and this ultimately erases her emotional experience. She doesn’t receive recognition and validation for her inner world, and thus, in a tragic cycle, this escalates, loses proportion, and reaches very difficult places."

"You’re telling me about this..." Gilad responded.

"Shirael also feels bummed about seeing herself this way, but it develops from that feeling of invisibility, cancellation, dismissal, and judgment regarding her feelings."

"So what am I supposed to do? Tell her that she’s right about everything, even about the things that aren’t right?" Gilad replied.

"Let’s start with what not to do. I find it hard to believe there was a case where a husband proved to his wife that she’s wrong in her claims, and this improved and built their relationship," I said.

"So what should I do?" Gilad asked.

"You married each other because of the painful places you trigger in one another. This is an opportunity for healing."

"But I really don’t know what to do with all this craziness," Gilad said in frustration.

"You’re right; there’s double frustration here: your pain over Shirael ‘going crazy’ on one hand, and your helplessness on the other."

"But how am I supposed to deal with such difficult emotions that she brings to me, which aren’t my fault?" he asked.

"First, understand that all attempts to solve your feeling of helplessness with rational and fair dialogue leave Shirael alone, and that leads her to thoughts of doubt, like..."

"Why did I marry him? Why are we together?" Shirael burst out.

"Come on, Shirael, try to connect for a moment: why do you long to feel from Gilad, if he were as you ask?" I asked Shirael.

"Gilad, I need to feel important to you, and that you genuinely want to listen to me. I want to feel that I remain the focus, and that can’t happen when you immediately become the victim and the martyr. I need you to stay with me, not to retreat into yourself." Shirael turned to Gilad in tears.

"What do you actually feel when he doesn't do this?" I asked.

"That I’m not loved and valued," she answered.

"And that’s truly a very difficult feeling to have."

Silence filled the room.

"Let’s assume that if Gilad is with you in this complex system called ‘relationship’, and he does many things for you, then he probably cares about you, only he doesn’t know how..."

"That’s exactly my frustration; I don’t understand what I actually need to do," Gilad said.

A. Change Your Perspective – Look at It Through the Right Lens

"One of the things that really helps is changing your perspective on the turbulent places that Shirael brings. Learn to see the beauty, wildness, and vitality of the emotional movement she brings to the relationship, and to agree to be there with her."

"And then what?" Gilad asked.

B. Presence – Be with Her

"When Shirael experiences these emotional upheavals, it’s like an emotional birth, where her soul opens up and reveals its depths. This is an opportunity for you to share in her entire inner world. No matter how turbulent she is, saying to her, 'I'm here with you', and just being with her. Just your presence can calm her storm, and then you can offer your support."

C. Support

"You can ask her: how can I support you? What would help you in those moments?"

"I don’t even get to the stage of supporting. I get stressed and feel threatened by the turbulence she brings," Gilad replied.

"We will need to work on this, because when you run away and withdraw, you’re actually giving up the deepest, most meaningful opportunity for partnership, connection, trust, and influence in the relationship," I explained.

"And then I feel alone, like you’re abandoning me," Shirael added, in deep pain.

D. Learn the Wave

"The right way to relate to the turbulent emotional world that Shirael brings is like a wave in the sea that has two layers: upper layer – where Shirael floods various facts, accusations, claims, and perceptions that don’t necessarily relate to reality, and often their mixing with reality is actually the trap. lower layer – a layer of deep, inner, and significant emotion, which is always real, unlike the upper layer.

"If you've encountered the phrase: 'you can’t argue with feelings', it refers to the lower wave.

"When you’re present with her emotional intensity, without judging or diminishing it. Just a quiet and genuine presence, then you become a wall that creates a tremendous sense of security. You can become a kind of breakwater that doesn’t run away to the shore, and with this presence, a lot of security flows into the relationship."

Hannah Dayan [email protected]

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