The Emotional Storm: What Your Partner Really Needs From You

“I give up. I can’t deal with her anymore,” Gilad burst out in frustration.

“Deal with me?” Shirael shot back, raising her voice.

“Honestly, it’s too much for me. I didn’t get an instruction manual when we got married, and I don’t know how to handle this imbalance of hers,” Gilad said.

“Imbalance of mine? Are you serious?” Shirael was now shouting.

“Yes. I’m fed up with this madness,” Gilad said helplessly.

“Madness?” Shirael cried, and the tension in the room rose sharply.

I raised my hand gently. “Let’s pause for a moment. You can fight for free at home. There’s no reason to waste the time you’ve come here for."

“Gilad said he didn’t receive an instruction manual when you got married. Gilad, if I gave you an instruction manual for relationships, would that help?”

“Help? I’m thirsty for something like that,” Gilad said.

“Are you both willing to be a wall for each other?” I asked.

“Of course,” Shirael answered.

“Sure,” Gilad said.

Shirael frowned slightly. “What does it mean to be a wall?”

The Structure of the Relationship

“The woman brings the structure into the relationship,” I explained. “She creates the space where everything happens and where the man channels his strength into the relationship."

“When you express your longing, your needs, and your expectations, you create a kind of frame. Like the walls of a house. Into that space, Gilad can direct his energy."

“This space is extremely important for him. It gives his actions meaning and value. Without it, his energy feels scattered and purposeless.”

Shirael shook her head. “Do you really think he listens to me? He just does whatever he wants.”

“And how do you react when he doesn’t listen?” I asked.

“I get angry. Then he immediately becomes the victim and tells me how other wives support their husbands, and only I don’t.”

Expressing Your Longing Clearly

“Shirael,” I said gently, “the work we will do together is about connecting you to the true point inside you."

“You need to express your longing and your needs clearly and confidently. Not based on how you think you should appear or what others might think of you."

“When you express yourself from that honest place, Gilad can finally understand what you actually need from him. Then his energy can flow into the relationship instead of leaking into other places.”

Gilad leaned forward. “And how can I be a wall for her?”

Standing Firm in the Emotional Storm

“One of the ways you help Shirael stand as a strong wall in the relationship is by becoming something like a breakwater for her emotional world.”

Gilad looked puzzled. “What do you mean?”

“When Shirael brings a complaint to you, she is expressing an emotional movement in her soul. It is similar to the energy you bring into the relationship, but it appears in a different form."

“When you respond to her complaints by arguing with the facts or trying to prove that she is exaggerating, you are indirectly telling her that her feelings are not real.”

“You’re telling her that what she feels is imaginary, dramatic, or disconnected from reality. As a result, her emotional world feels dismissed.”

When Feelings Are Dismissed

“When a person feels that their inner world is invisible or invalid, the emotional reaction becomes stronger. The experience escalates, loses proportion, and eventually reaches painful places.”

Gilad shifted in his chair. “So what am I supposed to do? Just tell her she’s right about everything, even when she isn’t?”

“Let’s start with what not to do,” I said calmly. “In my experience, there has never been a case where a husband successfully proved to his wife that she was wrong and it improved the relationship.”

Gilad gave a tired smile. “So what should I do instead?”

Seeing the Opportunity for Healing

“You married each other because of the sensitive places you trigger in one another,” I said. “Those painful points are not a mistake. They are opportunities for healing.”

Gilad sighed. “But I still don’t know what to do with all this chaos.”

“You are right to feel frustrated. You are dealing with two pains at once. On one hand, the pain of Shirael’s emotional storms. On the other hand, the helplessness you feel in the face of them.”

“But how am I supposed to deal with emotions like that when they’re not even my fault?” he asked.

“Because when you respond only with logic and fairness, Shirael feels alone. That loneliness leads her to thoughts such as…”

“Why did I marry him? Why are we even together?” Shirael interrupted.

The Need to Feel Seen

“Shirael,” I said softly, “try to connect for a moment. What do you long to feel from Gilad?”

She turned toward him with tears in her eyes.

“Gilad, I need to feel important to you. I need to feel that you truly want to listen to me. I want to feel that I still matter to you."

“That can’t happen when you immediately become the victim or retreat into yourself. I need you to stay with me.”

“And what do you feel when he doesn’t?” I asked.

“That I’m not loved. That I’m not valued.”

“That is a very painful feeling,” I said quietly.

The room fell silent.

“Let’s assume something,” I continued. “If Gilad is still here in this relationship and continues doing many things for you, then he probably does care. The difficulty is that he doesn’t yet know how to express that care.”

“That’s exactly my frustration,” Gilad said. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

A Practical Direction

“There are several important steps,” I said.

Change Your Perspective

“First, try to change how you look at Shirael’s emotional intensity."

“Instead of seeing it only as chaos, try to see the vitality and depth inside it. There is life, beauty, and emotional richness in the movement she brings to the relationship.”

“And then what?” Gilad asked.

Be Present

“When Shirael experiences these emotional waves, it is almost like an emotional birth. Her inner world opens and reveals itself."

“Your role is not to fix it immediately. Your role is simply to be present."

“You can say something simple such as, ‘I’m here with you.’ Sometimes your presence alone can calm the storm.”

Offer Support

“You can also ask simple questions such as:

• How can I support you right now?
• What would help you in this moment?”

Gilad shook his head slightly. “I don’t even get to that stage. I feel stressed and threatened by the turbulence she brings.”

“That is something we will need to work on,” I said. “Because when you withdraw, you unintentionally abandon the most powerful opportunity for connection, trust, and influence in the relationship.”

“And when you withdraw,” Shirael added quietly, “I feel completely alone.”

Understanding the Emotional Wave

“The emotional world Shirael brings can be compared to a wave in the sea,” I explained.

“A wave has two layers."

"The upper layer includes the accusations, complaints, and dramatic statements that may not fully reflect reality."

"The lower layer is something very different. It is the deep emotional truth underneath the words. That layer is always real.”

“This is why people say that you cannot argue with feelings. They are referring to the deeper layer of the wave.”

“When you remain present with Shirael’s emotional intensity without dismissing or judging it, you become a stable wall. A breakwater that does not run away from the waves."

“And that stability creates a deep sense of safety in the relationship.”