"The More I Scream, the More He Disconnects"

"I have no more words left. I explained to him what I expect him to do and how I need him to behave in every possible language. I tried in Hebrew, English, pantomime, sign language, and even Google Translate started to glitch from the effort... either he simply doesn't understand, or I still haven't discovered the language I need to use for him to understand me," said Miriam in despair.

"The problem isn't really about the language, but more about the emotional movement," I explained.

"What do you mean by 'emotional movement'?" Miriam asked.

"What happens to Yaron when you explain everything you expect him to do?" I asked.

"The more I scream it, the more he distances himself and disconnects," Miriam replied.

"Basically, the more you try forcefully to address the sense of lack in order to achieve what you want from Yaron, the more energy you expend, and it only causes Yaron to pull away from you. All those screams that you are suffering and feeling alone – they express a very deep sense of lack and pain, which does not bring you the response you so desperately need."

"So what can I do?" Miriam asked helplessly.

"First, we need to identify the true and precise desire that lies behind those screams," I replied.

"You want to tell me that when I say to Yaron that I want him to consider me, to see me and not to belittle me, that's not my true desire?" she asked.

"That's your frustration screaming," I answered.

"So what do I need to do?" Miriam asked.

"Connect to that difficult feeling of frustration and understand: how would you like to feel? This deep dive will allow you to connect and agree to feel your emptiness, which seeks to be filled. There, in the depth, lies the very deep whispers of the desire and wisdom of what you are worthy and destined to receive."

"I don’t really understand, how does this lead me to that place?" Miriam asked.

"When you agree to be with the pain, you allow the pain to lead you to a clean and internal inquiry of – how would you like to feel? How would you like to be treated?

You take the difficult feeling of loneliness or transparency that you feel and ask yourself: how do I feel right now? What hurts me now? And then you agree to experience it in your body."

"It feels threatening and very painful to me," Miriam responded cautiously.

"But only if you go through the body, through this pain, can you truly ask yourself how you would like to feel. Let's try for a moment. Let's try, through this pain, to identify what you would like to feel."

"I would like to feel important, wrapped, safe, that someone cares about me, cherished..." Miriam replied.

"When you start to work and practice this frequency, it will attract into your life a reality that will amplify and drive more of that energy in your reality. And when you create structures with real examples at that frequency, they will begin to appear in your life."

"What do you mean by 'examples'?".

"What kind of attitude would you like Yaron to show you, how would you like him to be interested in you? How would he make you happy? You start to create structures of those situations in your imagination, where Yaron is situated in a way that best supports you. For example: he listens intently, hugs you, prepares a meal for you, buys you gifts, etc...

"When you go through each day with those structures that make you feel the comfort, importance, joy, fullness, and security – it will also make you feel how worthy you are of that, and it will already be on its way to you. The way you are working today, you are working very, very hard, and receiving little."

"That's right, that's how I was raised. That only by working hard can you see results," she began to tear up.

"There’s hard work that is blessed, that comes from the joy of creation, and there’s hard work that is the frustration of lack of success, and from that we need to learn to let go. You came here to receive this meaningful experience of who you are deeply, that you are an amazing woman who deserves to receive the best treatment there is. The more you practice this mental positioning, this frequency, the more it will become your default, and so too will reality and life become that way.

"In conclusion, I’ll reiterate: when I am agitated or hurting from any other emotion that overwhelms me – then I ask myself: what am I feeling? What am I experiencing? There’s me, and there’s what I am experiencing... I am experiencing belittlement now, I am experiencing transparency. Really allow that emotion, all that energy, to pass through you. This is life energy. We do not judge it as negative or positive. One must agree to really experience it and give it a name: when you experience transparency where do you feel it in your body?".

"In my stomach," she answered.

"What physical feeling does that create?" I asked.

"Contraction".

"What would you like to feel?".

"I would like to feel that I am respected, that I am seen..." Miriam replied.

"When you feel respected and seen, how does it feel in your body?" I asked.

"A feeling of expansion, clean breathing," she replied.

"What will make you feel this?" I asked.

"If Yaron checks how I'm doing and how I slept before he goes out biking with friends."

"Really agree to feel in your body, what sensations arise in you when he shows interest. This is the frequency you need to be in. And finally, ask yourself: what actions can you take for yourself that can support you right now?".

"Like what?" she asked.

"A nice shower, a cup of coffee with a friend... anything that makes you happy. Every emotion that comes and rises, rises to undergo healing. The soul recognizes that you are now ready to meet this pain, which likely didn't originate from Yaron. It is probably an emotion you have been familiar with since childhood. This is how the emotional system cleans it over and over again, until it begins to appear less, and perhaps almost not at all.

"We are on a shared journey of soul within a body on the path to fusion, on the path to discovery. As Rabbi Kook wrote: "Every time the heart beats a spiritual beat, every time a new and noble idea is born, we listen. Like the voice of Hashem knocking on the door of our soul, asking us to open the door for him, so that he may appear to us in all his grandeur..." (Rabbi Kook, *Eight Collections*, vol. 3, page 74).

Hannah Dayan[email protected]

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