The Language of Emotion: What Your Partner Really Needs to Hear

“I have no words left,” Miriam said in despair. “I explained to him what I expect and how I need him to behave in every possible language. I tried Hebrew, English, pantomime, sign language, and even Google Translate would probably crash from the effort. Either he simply doesn’t understand, or I still haven’t discovered the language I need to use for him to understand me.”

“The problem is not really about the language,” I replied. “It is more about the emotional movement.”

“What do you mean by emotional movement?” Miriam asked.

“What happens to Yaron when you explain everything you expect from him?” I asked.

“The more I shout it, the more he distances himself and disconnects,” Miriam said.

“In other words,” I explained, “the more forcefully you try to express your sense of lack in order to get what you need from Yaron, the more energy you expend, and the more he withdraws."

“All those cries that express how lonely and hurt you feel come from a very deep place of pain and lack. But unfortunately, they do not bring you the response you are longing for.”

“So what can I do?” Miriam asked helplessly.

Discovering the Desire Behind the Frustration

“First, we need to identify the true desire hidden beneath those screams,” I said.

“You mean when I tell Yaron that I want him to consider me, to see me, and not belittle me, that isn’t my true desire?” Miriam asked.

“That is your frustration speaking,” I replied gently.

“So what should I do?” she asked.

“You need to connect to the feeling of frustration itself and ask a deeper question: how would you like to feel?”

“This kind of inner inquiry allows you to connect with the emptiness you feel and agree to experience it. Beneath that emptiness lie the quiet whispers of your true desire and the deeper wisdom of what you truly deserve.”

“I’m not sure I understand how that leads me there,” Miriam said.

Learning to Sit With the Pain

“When you allow yourself to stay with the pain rather than escape from it, the pain begins to guide you."

“You can ask yourself simple but powerful questions:

• How do I feel right now?
• What exactly hurts at this moment?
• How would I like to feel instead?

When you allow yourself to experience the feeling fully in your body, the deeper answer begins to emerge.”

“That sounds frightening and very painful,” Miriam admitted cautiously.

“It can feel that way,” I acknowledged. “But only by passing through that emotional experience can you truly discover what you need.”

“Let’s try it for a moment. Through this pain, what would you like to feel?”

Miriam thought quietly.

“I would like to feel important,” she said softly. “I would like to feel cared for, protected, safe, and cherished.”

Creating a New Emotional Frequency

“When you begin practicing this awareness, you slowly change the emotional frequency you live in,” I explained.

“And when you learn to create structures in your mind that match that emotional frequency, you begin inviting that reality into your life.”

“What do you mean by structures?” Miriam asked.

“Think about the specific ways you would like Yaron to show care. Imagine the situations that would make you feel valued and supported."

“For example:

• He listens carefully when you speak.
• He hugs you when you are upset.
• He prepares a meal for you.
• He brings you a small gift or thoughtful gesture.

When you move through your days while holding these images and feelings of comfort, appreciation, and security, you begin to experience your own worth more clearly.”

The Difference Between Two Types of Effort

“You are currently working very hard emotionally and receiving very little in return,” I said.

“That’s true,” Miriam replied quietly. “That’s how I was raised. I was taught that only through hard work do you get results.”

“There are two kinds of effort,” I explained.

“One kind of effort is blessed. It grows from joy, creativity, and a sense of purpose."

“The other kind of effort comes from frustration and a constant feeling of lack. That is the effort we must learn to release.”

“You came here to rediscover something very important: who you truly are. You are a remarkable woman who deserves to be treated with care and respect."

“The more you practice this inner awareness, the more it becomes natural for you. And gradually, your reality begins to align with that new inner position.”

A Simple Emotional Practice

“To summarize,” I said, “whenever you feel overwhelmed by a painful emotion, begin with a simple process.

First, recognize the emotion.

Ask yourself:

• What am I feeling right now?
• What experience is passing through me?

For example, you might say to yourself:

‘I am experiencing belittlement right now.’
‘I am experiencing invisibility.’”

“Allow the emotion to pass through you without judging it. It is simply life energy moving through your system.”

“Then ask yourself where you feel this emotion in your body.”

“In my stomach,” Miriam said.

“And what physical sensation does it create?” I asked.

“A contraction.”

“And how would you like to feel instead?”

“I would like to feel respected. I would like to feel seen.”

“When you imagine feeling respected and seen, what happens in your body?”

“It feels like expansion,” she replied. “My breathing becomes easier.”

Small Actions That Support Healing

“What might help you experience that feeling?” I asked.

“If Yaron asked how I slept before going out biking with his friends,” Miriam said.

“Good. Now really allow yourself to feel what happens in your body when he shows interest like that. This is the emotional frequency you want to cultivate."

“And finally ask yourself: what small action can you take right now to support yourself?”

“Like what?” Miriam asked.

“A warm shower, a cup of coffee with a friend, a quiet moment to care for yourself. Anything that brings you a sense of comfort and kindness.”

“Every emotion that rises is an opportunity for healing. Often these feelings did not begin with Yaron. They may be emotions that have been familiar to you since childhood."

“The emotional system returns to these places again and again so that they can finally be seen, experienced, and gradually healed.”

Listening to the Soul

“We are all on a journey of the soul within the body. A journey of discovery and deeper connection."

“As Rabbi Kook wrote:
‘Every time the heart beats a spiritual beat, every time a new and noble idea is born, we listen. It is like the voice of Hashem knocking on the door of our soul, asking us to open the door so that He may reveal Himself in all His greatness.’”