"Why Is It All on My Shoulders?"

"Let’s fly to a vacation abroad for two weeks, just you and me," Zvika said to Tzipora.

"Do you hear what he’s saying to me? I don’t understand how disconnected he can be. Our daughter has allergy tests at the hospital, I have three vacation days left at work, and our son is about to have his bar mitzvah. Where does he live? Did I marry a man or an alien?" Tzipora complained.

"Don’t you think you’re overreacting? I suggested it because our relationship is important to me, I really don’t understand why you’re talking to me like that," Zvika responded, offended.

"Why? Because I feel like the whole house is on me. I’m the only one who cares about the kids, the only one who cares about the home, and I even feel like I’m the only one who cares about our relationship," Tzipora shot back.

"How can you say you’re the only one who cares about the relationship? I just suggested we go away together for two weeks, that’s for the sake of the relationship," he replied.

"I’m the one who asked you to make an appointment for couples therapy. If you cared about this relationship, you would have initiated it yourself, and I wouldn’t have had to wait so long, and out of desperation, I had to ask you…" she responded.

"I don’t understand, why do you make a big deal out of everything? Everything excites you, stresses you out, scares you, hurts you, and angers you… How can I feel like I’m walking on eggs all the time?"

"I’d be happy to offer you a different perspective on the marital relationship and its underlying forces. In *Chassidut*, there is a very clear basic division of the soul: the division is between essence and reality.

"The essence (the soul’s powers) – all the hidden powers contained within a person.

"Reality (the kingdom) – the open manifestation and activation of these powers.

"Before the measure of the kingdom is revealed, a person hovers above reality without truly entering it. The kingdom is the person’s reality, and it connects and binds them to the external reality."

"And how does this relate to marriage?" Zvika asked.

"The essence, the powers – belong to the masculine side of the relationship. Their starting point is the potential force that relates to reality as a field for the manifestation of the man’s powers. Reality, the kingdom – belongs to the feminine side of the relationship. A woman feels herself as a part of reality, not as a force acting upon it.

"The starting point and reference is the reality itself, and the man’s powers acting within it are perceived as something from the outside that needs to be responded to. This is why the reality of the marital relationship is felt by the woman, because she is the ‘place’ from which the actions occurring in the relationship are experienced. That’s why Tzipora feels everything happening with the kids, the marriage, and the home deeply throughout her entire being.

"The woman experiences everything happening in the relationship and reality in her whole body and soul, which is why she feels it all with greater intensity and sensitivity than the man. This is why she has very sharp senses regarding everything that is happening, allowing her to turn into a kind of control and guidance system within the relationship, while you, Zvika, can go on a two-week vacation, attend reserve duty, and be in work meetings without what’s happening at home significantly bothering you.

"I have a question that may seem somewhat unrelated, but, Tzipora, please answer me: How does Zvika deal with the flu?"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Zvika asked.

"We always joke that men are so spoiled, they can’t get over a little flu and are out of commission… if they had to give birth, humanity would become extinct," Tzipora laughed.

"It’s not pampering, it’s their structure. Because the essential nature from which a man emerges is his powers, when a man loses his powers when he is sick, it’s like a sense of death," she explained.

"I expect Zvika to think for himself about these things, to care at least as much as I do and constantly carry all the worries I have too, at least take half of them…" Tzipora said angrily.

"Don’t expect him to think for himself and manage the home and kids the way you do, because I promise you, you will be disappointed," I replied.

"So is this it? Am I supposed to accept that this is how it will be? That the whole house will be on me?" Tzipora raised her voice in anger.

"Of course not. It’s completely justified that you’re angry. That anger is a control mechanism alerting you and telling you, ‘Tzipora, something isn’t working here.’ You need to give space to that anger and admit that it has arrived. And now, let’s see what that control mechanism of the marital relationship is warning us about here.

"We said you are the reality, and Zvika is the powers acting in reality. The alert is about how Zvika doesn’t actualize his powers in reality, but rather scatters them elsewhere. Your role is to direct Zvika and specify what you need. This will allow him to invest his powers in the right places, which will nourish the relationship and the home. He will learn to channel his powers toward you and the kids, and the reality will become his reality, not just yours.

"This can only happen through an understanding of the system of roles in the marital structure. When you, Tzipora, are connected to yourself, you are connected to the ground, to the earth. You essentially create that vast vessel called ‘reality,’ and you have a responsibility to communicate all your needs in the way that Zvika will understand, and then he can bring his powers. This will allow for connection and bringing the divine presence into the marital relationship."

Hanna Dayan[email protected]

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