Why Men and Women Experience Marriage So Differently

“Let’s fly abroad for a two week vacation, just the two of us,” Zvika said to Tzipora.

“Do you hear what he’s suggesting to me?” Tzipora said in disbelief. “I honestly don’t understand how disconnected he can be. Our daughter has allergy tests at the hospital, I have only three vacation days left at work, and our son’s bar mitzvah is coming up. Where exactly does he live? Did I marry a man or an alien?”

“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” Zvika replied, clearly offended. “I suggested it because our relationship matters to me. I really don’t understand why you’re speaking to me like that.”

“Why?” Tzipora shot back. “Because I feel like the entire house is on my shoulders. I’m the only one worrying about the kids, the only one worrying about the home, and sometimes it even feels like I’m the only one worrying about our relationship.”

“How can you say you’re the only one who cares about the relationship?” Zvika said. “I just suggested we go away together for two weeks. That’s exactly for the sake of the relationship.”

“I’m the one who asked you to schedule couples therapy,” Tzipora replied sharply. “If you cared about this relationship, you would have initiated it yourself. I wouldn’t have had to wait so long and finally ask out of pure frustration.”

Zvika shook his head. “I don’t understand why everything becomes such a big drama. Everything excites you, stresses you out, scares you, hurts you, and angers you. How am I supposed to live feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all the time?”

I paused for a moment and said, “Let me offer you a different perspective on the dynamics of marriage and the deeper forces that operate within it.”

Essence and Reality

“In Chassidic thought there is a clear division within the human soul between two elements: essence and reality."

"Essence refers to the hidden powers that exist within a person."

"Reality refers to the place where those powers are revealed and activated in the world."

"Before a person’s powers become expressed within reality, he is almost hovering above it. The realm of reality anchors him and connects him to the external world.”

Zvika leaned forward. “And how does that relate to marriage?”

Different Starting Points

“In the marital structure, the essence and its powers are often associated with the masculine side of the relationship. The man approaches reality as a place where his abilities can be expressed."

"Reality itself is more closely associated with the feminine side. A woman tends to experience herself as part of reality itself, not simply as someone acting upon it."

"Because of this, the daily reality of the home is felt very strongly by the woman. She becomes the place where everything happening in the relationship is experienced.”

I turned toward Tzipora.

“That is why you feel everything happening with the children, the house, and the relationship throughout your entire being.”

Why Women Feel Everything So Deeply

“A woman experiences the events of family life with her whole body and soul. This often makes her far more sensitive to what is happening within the home."

"Her senses become very sharp. She can feel when something is wrong, when something needs attention, or when something is out of balance. In this way, she becomes something like a guidance system for the family."

"Meanwhile, Zvika can attend meetings, serve in the reserves, or suggest a spontaneous two week vacation without immediately feeling the weight of what is happening at home.”

Zvika raised an eyebrow, but listened quietly.

A Question That Seems Unrelated

“I want to ask something that may sound unrelated,” I said. “Tzipora, how does Zvika handle the flu?”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Zvika asked.

Tzipora laughed. “Like most men. When he gets the flu, he’s completely out of commission. We always joke that if men had to give birth, humanity would become extinct.”

“It’s not just pampering,” I explained. “It reflects a deeper structure."

"When a man becomes ill, he temporarily loses access to his strength and abilities. Because his identity is strongly connected to his powers, that loss can feel almost like a small form of death.”

The Frustration of Carrying Everything

“I expect Zvika to think about these things on his own,” Tzipora said, her voice tightening. “To care at least as much as I do. To carry some of the worries that are constantly on my mind. At least half of them.”

“Try not to expect him to manage the house and children in exactly the same way you do,” I replied gently. “If you do, you will likely be disappointed.”

“So that’s it?” Tzipora asked angrily. “I’m supposed to accept that everything will always fall on me?”

“Not at all,” I said. “Your anger is completely understandable. In fact, that anger serves an important purpose.”

Anger as a Warning Signal

“Anger can act like a warning system. It tells you that something in the relationship is not functioning properly."

"Instead of ignoring the anger, we should listen to what it is trying to tell us."

"Remember what we said earlier. You represent the reality of the relationship, while Zvika represents the powers acting within that reality."

"Your anger is alerting us that Zvika’s powers are not being directed into the shared reality of the home, but are scattered elsewhere.”

Directing the Energy of the Relationship

“This is where your role becomes important."

"Your task is not to carry everything alone. Your task is to clearly communicate what you need."

"When you define those needs, you create the space in which Zvika can direct his energy."

"Gradually, he can learn to invest his powers into the right places: the home, the children, and the relationship itself.”

Creating a Shared Reality

“When that happens, the reality of the family stops belonging only to you."

"It becomes his reality as well."

"This process depends on understanding the structure of the relationship."

"When you, Tzipora, are connected to yourself, you are connected to the ground of the relationship. You create the large vessel we call reality."

"Your responsibility is to communicate your needs clearly in a way Zvika can understand."

"Then he can bring his powers into that space."

"When those two elements meet, connection becomes possible, and the relationship becomes a place where the divine presence can dwell.”