The Hidden Profit of Pain: Why We Stay in Unhappy Relationships

"I'm going to be honest with you. I'm tired of this relationship. Shaul is always caught up in his business, and I don't interest him at all. He's simply taking advantage of my kindness, of how much I'm willing to sacrifice, and I, like a fool, just stay. I think it's time I stop being afraid and break free from this whole package," Danit said angrily.

"How would you feel if Shaul were no longer part of your life?" I asked.

"Just thinking about it makes me breathe easier. I could finally relax. I wouldn't have to carry this burden anymore," she replied.

Listening to the Pain

"First of all, I'm glad you are giving space to the places where you feel pain, anger, and fear. These emotions are not random. They are part of an important internal signaling system, and they deserve attention."

"What do you think about gathering the courage to bring all that pain to the surface and explain to him honestly that you can't continue like this?" I asked.

"Do you think I haven't tried?" Danit replied. "What haven't I done? I truly believe he doesn't care."

"From my conversations with Shaul, I actually saw how much he does for you. He invests in the relationship and even comes to therapy."

"He does it just to please me, not because he truly cares about me or about the relationship. I don't believe he can change," Danit said through tears.

"Do you believe that you can change?" I asked.

Silence filled the room for several minutes.

The Possibility of Change

"If you change the way you position yourself inside the relationship, it will naturally lead to significant change in Shaul as well."

"Honestly?" she said quietly. "I don't believe I can change."

"Let’s take a moment to understand how the soul works and what needs to happen for real change to occur. The soul behaves a bit like a very skilled businesswoman. What does a successful businesswoman look for?" I asked.

"To make as much profit as possible," Danit answered.

"Exactly. The soul moves toward the places where it feels it gains the most."

"But I don't want my life to look like this," she protested. "It doesn't make me happy. I feel the situation is only getting worse."

"You understand this very clearly on an intellectual level. You see that this situation is not good for you, and you feel the pain it causes. Yet when you say you don't believe you can change, it often means that your soul is still attached to the current situation, even if it hurts."

"But why would I want to stay in something that makes me miserable?" Danit asked.

The Weight of Emotions

"Let's look for a moment at emotional experiences and how much space they occupy. When you feel sadness, anger, or fear, how long can you remain inside those feelings?"

"Sometimes for a short time, and sometimes for days," she replied. "I can get caught in a whirlwind of thoughts that bring those feelings back again and again."

"Exactly. Emotions like pain and fear are very accessible. We can return to them again and again, and that becomes part of the problem."

"In contrast, think about moments of joy. How long can you stay in a joyful feeling?"

"It's usually brief," she said. "And sometimes it even feels less real."

"The positive emotions are lighter. They come and go quickly. The soul seeks fullness, but often it finds more 'substance' in negative feelings because they linger longer and take up more internal space."

"When a person doesn't believe they can change, it often means they don't believe they can let go of those negative emotional patterns, because unconsciously they provide a certain sense of gain."

The Invisible Mechanism

"And what kind of gain could that be?" Danit asked.

"Over time, the mind begins to build explanations, beliefs, and interpretations that justify holding on to those feelings. Sometimes this even leads people to unconsciously recreate situations in which they feel like victims, because those situations feed the emotional mechanism that already exists inside the soul."

"So what can we actually do to change this?" she asked.

Building a New Inner System

"This emotional mechanism both allows you to feel and, at the same time, disconnects you from your deeper self. The work we will do is to learn how to identify that mechanism clearly and then build a healthier alternative."

"In this positive mechanism, we give more weight, meaning, and depth to positive feelings. As you learn to recognize the negative mechanism, you create a distance between yourself and it. Once that separation exists, new space opens up for a healthier emotional system to grow."

Danit sighed.

"I still feel like it won't work for me."

Understanding Resistance

"What you're feeling is completely natural," I said. "Resistance is a very common part of this process.

"There are several reasons for that."

"First, because you are deeply identified with this emotional mechanism. It feels like part of who you are. Changing it can feel almost like losing a piece of yourself, and that can be frightening."

"Second, letting go of this mechanism means giving up the imagined benefits it provides, and that can also be difficult."

"And third, if this mechanism disappears, the mind wonders what will fill the space that remains. That uncertainty can feel very threatening."

Returning to True Desire

"The work we will do together is to reconnect with your true desire. We will learn to strengthen your inner resilience and listen carefully to the voice of the soul that continues to chase those imagined gains."

"Slowly, we will begin to show that 'businesswoman' inside you that there are far greater profits available. Profits that come from growth, connection, and emotional freedom."

"And when the soul begins to recognize those real gains, meaningful change becomes possible."