The Initiative Problem: When One Partner Moves Too Fast

“I never imagined that marriage would be this frustrating and difficult,” Asaf said.

“Asaf, I’d really like to understand the frustration you’re experiencing with Orly,” I replied.

Feeling Like the Only One Pushing Forward

“I often feel like I’m the only one trying to move our relationship forward. I’m very proactive. I initiate things, plan vacations, arrange romantic dates, buy gifts. It seems to me that every woman asks her partner to take initiative, to lead, to influence. So why do I feel like she’s constantly putting the brakes on?” he asked in despair.

“How exactly do you feel she’s putting the brakes on you?” I asked.

“I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough for her. Everything seems wrong in her eyes. It frustrates me. I feel unappreciated, and sometimes I even think she’s selfish for not seeing everything I do,” he said.

“What do you feel about the difference between her pace and yours?” I asked.

“Maybe she simply needed a different man who could keep up with her. Maybe getting married was one big mistake,” Asaf said, his voice filled with pain and fear.

A Different Perspective on the Relationship

“I hear the pain you’re describing,” I told him. “Let me offer a different perspective, one that can help create the right mental positioning in a relationship.”

“I’d really appreciate that,” he replied. “Because I’m already exhausted from constantly trying to fix things.”

“Often, the emotional movement we bring into a relationship is simply a continuation of how we operated when we were alone. We continue acting in the same way, only now the environment has changed. But in reality, there is another partner here, and that requires a completely different mental positioning.”

The Power of Selflessness

“The key to building a healthy and stable marriage is the power of selflessness,” I explained.

“Selflessness?” Asaf asked, surprised.

“Yes. Selflessness is a state of awareness in which your strengths lose their importance when they exist only for you. They are no longer just tools that serve the individualistic ‘Asaf.’”

“And what does that give me?” he asked.

“It gives you the ability to truly listen to Orly and to the needs of the relationship itself. When you are in a state of selflessness, you become a vessel that can receive the essence of the relationship. You become attentive to what the connection actually needs. Personal judgments and assumptions only interfere with that ability.”

Listening Before Analyzing

“But what if she asks for something that doesn’t make sense to me?” Asaf asked. “What if it’s something I don’t agree with or don’t understand?”

“At the beginning, you don’t need to analyze or judge. First absorb. Learn to receive her needs without immediately evaluating them."

“Orly’s needs are not only her needs. They are also the needs of the relationship. In a couple’s consciousness, you are not doing something ‘for Orly’ so that she benefits. You are doing something that strengthens the relationship itself.”

Developing Couple Consciousness

“But how do I actually develop that kind of couple consciousness?” he asked.

“Through the power of selflessness. When you recognize that you are an individual within a partnership, you begin to see the relationship as a larger and more meaningful whole. From that place, shared desires can emerge naturally."

“And selflessness has another dimension as well.”

“There’s more?” Asaf asked with surprise.

Adjusting Strength to the Relationship

“You have many strengths,” I told him. “Look at how much energy you bring to work, to your reserve duty, to sports. You are a person full of initiative and drive.”

“That’s true,” he said, “but when I bring that energy to Orly, she seems to push me away.”

“That’s because part of selflessness is learning how to adjust the intensity of your strengths to the pace and capacity of your partner."

“The first form of selflessness helps you understand Orly’s pace and her ability to receive what you bring. The second form requires you to momentarily set aside your natural pace and intensity and focus your energy into a more precise and balanced expression that fits the relationship.”

Discovering the Essence of Partnership

“The more you practice this form of selflessness,” I continued, “the more clearly you will experience the essence of your partnership."

“You will begin to live within a true couple consciousness, where your actions are no longer about proving yourself, but about nurturing the relationship itself."

“And when that happens, your giving and initiative will bring genuine joy to both of you. Orly will feel seen and understood, and you will experience the satisfaction of being a truly connected partner.”

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor