Navigating Love: Understanding Connection in Marriage

"I never imagined that marriage would be this frustrating and difficult," said Asaf.

"Asaf, I’d love to hear about the frustration you’re experiencing with Orly,"

"I often feel like I’m the only one wanting to move our relationship forward. I’m very proactive, I initiate things, arrange vacations for us, plan romantic dates, buy gifts… It seems to me that this is a request every woman has of her man. To take initiative, to act, to influence. So why do I feel like she’s constantly putting the brakes on?" he asked in despair.

"How exactly do you feel she’s putting the brakes on you?" I asked.

"I feel like I’m not good enough for her, that everything I do isn’t right for her. It frustrates me, I feel unappreciated, and think she’s selfish for not seeing all that I do," he expressed.

"What do you feel about her pace compared to yours?" I inquired.

"Yeah, maybe she needed a different man who could keep up with her. Maybe getting married was one big mistake," said Asaf, with pain and fear in his voice.

"I understand the difficulty and the pain, and I’d like to offer a different perspective, one that develops the mental positioning that can help you bring the right qualities in the right measure," I suggested.

"I’d appreciate that, because I’m already exhausted from the futile sifting work I seem to do all the time,” he replied.

"Often, the emotional movement we bring into the relationship is a continuation, as if we continue to operate alone while only the environment changes. We need to consider there’s another partner here, but our mental positioning remains the same.

"The key to correct mental positioning within a relationship, which allows for building a good and proper marriage, is the power of selflessness," I explained.

"Selflessness?" he asked in surprise.

"Selflessness is a state of consciousness where all your strengths lose significance when they exist on their own, and they don’t exist just for that individualistic Asaf," I clarified.

"What will that give?" asked Asaf.

"It will give you a very precise ability to be attentive to Orly and the needs of the relationship. When you’re in a state of selflessness, you become a vessel that can absorb that essence and renewal within the relationship, the true needs of the connection. Any prejudice and personal touch will hinder your ability to receive this," I replied.

"But if she asks for something I don’t agree with, something that doesn’t suit me, or I don’t even understand why she needs it, and it seems really unnecessary to me?" he countered.

"All the analyses, criticisms, or even absorption should be left for later stages. First, absorb; be a tool to receive her needs. Orly’s need is the need of the relationship. The couple’s consciousness isn’t about doing something for Orly and then she benefits, rather you do something for Orly, and then the relationship benefits," I explained.

"But how do I reach a couple’s consciousness?" he asked.

"Through the power of selflessness, you'll recognize that you are an individual who is part of a partnership, which is a larger and very significant whole. This will allow the reality of your relationship to emerge, and couple’s desires will develop. And this isn’t the only form of selflessness..."

"What? There’s more selflessness?" he asked in disbelief.

"Selflessness is not just a tool for absorbing Orly’s exact needs and the essence of partnership."

"So what else can we do with the power of selflessness?" Asaf asked.

"Asaf, you are full of so many strengths. Look at how many strengths you have for work, reserves, sports; you’re brimming with energy."

"Yeah, but when I bring those strengths to Orly, she always seems to crush me," he replied.

"You are very powerful, and part of the process of listening to Orly is the ability to adjust the impact of your strengths to the strength and pace she can handle. With the first power of selflessness, you learn to identify what her pace is, what her capacity for inclusion is, etc. With the second power of selflessness, you learn to forget your strength, pace, and the way you spread and impact your strengths on the world, and concentrate them into a limited and precise point that matches Orly’s capacity for inclusion.

"The more you practice using the power of selflessness in the relationship, the more you’ll be able to experience the essence of your partnership. This will allow you to live in a full couple’s consciousness, with much joy from all your giving and doing, and thus Orly will also be happy and experience a connected, attentive partner."

Hanna Dayan[email protected]

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