When Love Meets Survival Mode: Understanding Relationship Triggers

"For us, if this doesn’t work here, we just throw in the towel," said Odalia.

"We’ve been through so many treatments; maybe it's just a sign from above that we’re not meant to be together?" continued Kfir.

"Don’t get me wrong, we’ve really committed to this process, but in reality, it’s just not working," Odalia added.

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"I know that my constant attacking and blaming behavior is my survival response, and a destructive one. Kfir knows that when he disconnects and disappears, he is also operating in survival mode," Odalia replied.

"We’ve tried so many times to change this behavior, and not only have we failed, it has even become worse and more intense," Kfir added.

"I’d be happy to suggest a way of working that could create a breakthrough in your relationship."

"I wish. We’ve thrown away so much money on various treatments," Kfir said.

"Let’s first appreciate and acknowledge all the treatments you’ve done so far. It is likely that you gained many insights about yourselves along the way, and that actually gives us a more efficient basis for working here in the clinic."

"Now let’s try to understand how the psyche operates, and why simply replacing one behavior with another often leads to failure."

When a Partner Becomes a Trigger

"A partner is often just a trigger that activates survival behavior, and most of the time it is not even intentional. Kfir pushes a button in you called threat. That threat activates a mechanism inside you that says: if I attack and blame, I will survive."

"And Odalia pushes a button in me where I feel threatened, and then I disconnect and disappear," Kfir said.

"Exactly. So one might ask: if you already know what is destroying your relationship and you are operating with a very high level of awareness, then what is the problem? Why not simply choose to behave differently?"

"Yes, that is exactly what we thought. You don’t understand how many exercises and efforts we invested in this. It simply doesn’t work," Odalia said.

Why Awareness Alone Is Not Enough

"The survival mechanism has been with you since a very young age. Over the years you collected many experiences, emotions, and insights through it, and sometimes it even protected you. The difficulty is that it is also connected to a great deal of destruction."

"Every cry of distress for something different is actually a blessing. It means you are beginning to lose faith in those old mechanisms. But why can’t we simply replace that destructive survival pattern with something healthier and more effective?"

"Because when the psyche senses a threat to that old and familiar mechanism, it experiences deep anxiety about losing something that once felt essential for survival. And the automatic reaction is to hold on to that mechanism even more tightly."

"It is somewhat similar to what happens the day before we start a diet, when we declare: that’s it, no more chocolate. Suddenly our entire operating system goes into alarm mode, and we find ourselves desperately searching for chocolate."

"So what do we need to do?" Kfir asked.

Learning to Observe the Mechanism

"We learn to observe the mechanism from the side. The more we notice it throughout the day, the more we begin to feel a gradual separation from it. The mechanism belongs to me, but it is not me."

"Imagine that you once experienced an extreme cold. The first thing you managed to obtain was a coat covered in painful spikes. That cold almost killed you, so you had no choice but to wear it."

"That coat proved effective at keeping you warm, but it also scratched your entire body and caused terrible suffering."

"Still, you feel that if you remove the coat, you will freeze to death. If someone suddenly offered you warm thermal clothing and suggested that you throw away the coat, you would probably hold on to it even more tightly. You might even begin telling stories about how wonderful the coat is, how it saves you, and how much you love it."

"And how does this connect to the mechanism?" Kfir asked.

"The ability to view the mechanism as a coat is already a huge step forward. The mechanism is not me. It is something I carry."

"Once I see it that way, I can sometimes set it aside and try covering myself with something warmer."

Making Space for Something New

"It is very important to understand that I am not threatening that mechanism. I say to it: dear coat with spikes, I love you. Thank you for keeping me warm during the difficult times. I am not throwing you away."

"But sometimes I will try to wear something else. And you will remain here with me."

"This position creates space for something new to appear. It loosens the psyche’s survival grip on the defense mechanism and allows each of you to respond to the relationship from a place of choice rather than reacting automatically every time you are triggered."

The Baal Shem Tov’s Three Stages

"This process can also be described through the perspective taught by the Baal Shem Tov."

"Submission: the recognition that I am caught in a behavior that currently feels beyond my control, and that what I believed was caused by external circumstances is actually rooted in what is happening within me."

"Separation: the realization that I no longer need to identify with the mechanism. It can exist beside me while I begin to choose a new possibility."

"Sweetening: in that newly created space, something different can begin to emerge. A healthier response gradually develops, one that could not have been born without the entire journey that came before it."

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor