Who’s Really to Blame When Relationships Struggle?

"I just don’t get it, why do I always have to put in the effort to pursue? It’s exhausting and feels unfair. Am I the only one expected to invest energy into this relationship? What about Dafna? Why can’t it be the other way around?" Alon complained.

"Do you really think I’m not putting in any effort? Why can’t you accept that the man pursues the woman and the woman reciprocates? That’s how it’s worked all over the world throughout the ages, so maybe you should draw some conclusions from that?" Dafna shot back.

"Absolutely not! Look around; there are many women today who pursue their men. We live in a modern era; those ancient rules no longer apply," Alon replied.

"How can I surrender to you when I feel like you’re stuck in a place that doesn’t allow me to feel secure at all?" Dafna asked.

"Let me suggest an alternative perspective on the proper relationship dynamics," I interjected.

"The modern era offers us many excellent solutions and also brings order to many areas that previously had injustice and distortions, sometimes due to religion, morality, or various traditions.

"The problem is that with the modern perspective, a progressive viewpoint has also emerged that takes distorted notions from the past and paints the entire past as invalid, thus offering a new path that we can see today gives rise to dismal outcomes in family life.

"So I’m offering you ancient wisdom dating back thousands of years about the nature of the human soul, drawn from the world of Kabbalah. This wisdom reveals the dynamics of the couple and the spiritual structures of both man and woman. This insight allows us to create true connection in our relationships."

"Wasn’t this established under the chuppah? When we stood together?" Alon asked.

"At the chuppah, your souls connected, and now the task of the relationship is to bring your psyches (which are more tied to the body) into connection and unity. Each partner needs to bring the right energies into the relationship, and this is facilitated through the power of thought in the soul," I explained.

"What do you mean by ‘the right moves’? What should I bring?" Alon asked.

The central emotional movement that a man needs to bring into the relationship is concentration and connection. You need to learn to focus your energies toward Dafna, ensuring that your mind is not distracted. This is an active movement that links you to her, and thus you truly channel your energies to Dafna.

"But what do you mean by ‘connect’ to her?" Alon inquired.

"To connect to all the details she does and the ways she does them," I responded.

"And what energies do I need to bring?" Dafna asked.

"Your emotional movement should be to bring attentiveness. Attentiveness means truly opening up to Alon by making space in your soul, a sort of fruitful passivity that allows for wholehearted devotion without background noise. This movement is about connection and reception. This is how you communicate with Alon, and he channels his energies to you," I explained.

"So basically, who’s to blame when things aren’t working out?" Alon asked.

"It’s not about blame, and it’s not about who started it… It’s about making the right moves to ensure things work. On one hand, Dafna needs to feel that you are fully connected and focused on her, which gives her the security and ease to connect and open up to you. On the other hand, for you to easily channel your energies with devotion, you need to feel she is connected and open to you. When each person focuses on their respective movements, it makes it easier for the other to position themselves correctly," I clarified.

"So what have we really had up until now? How can we label this relationship?" Alon asked.

"Your souls have always been connected; it’s just that you both brought the wrong moves that prevented genuine connection and intimacy. This led to illusions, so that with every minor crisis, you felt the collapse of your relationship, the disappointment, and frustration that came with it," I explained.

"Honestly, that sounds hard and completely unnatural to me," Alon said in despair.

"You can blame Adam for that. If he hadn’t sinned, your lives would have been much easier. Back then, connection occurred in its natural form, and therefore, bonding happened without any special effort or work.

"Until then, you’ll need to exert effort and rise above your nature, bringing the right moves that allow for genuine connection and bonding, and this is also the formula for marital harmony and a true relationship," I concluded.

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

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