Finding Strength in Vulnerability: A Journey of Self-Discovery

"Whenever I feel alienated, as if no one is interested or paying attention to me, I retreat into an imaginary world. It makes me feel very disconnected, and I’m tired of it," said Miriam. "I want to feel, I want others to see what I feel, to be open with people," she continued.

"And how will that feel for you?" I asked.

"An ambivalent emotion. I will feel very exposed. On one hand, there will be a sense of liberation, and on the other hand – a great fear," she replied.

"Fear of what?" I inquired.

"Fear of getting hurt. When I’m exposed, I’m vulnerable."

"Close your eyes and tell me, who is saying this to you?"

"It’s me, at 10 years old."

"You’re 10-year-old Miriam, how do you feel?" I asked.

"I feel detached, lost, drained, with no ground beneath my feet," she answered.

"What would you like to ask of today’s Miriam?" I probed.

"Pull me out of here. There’s no real ground in this place. Take me to somewhere stable, good, warm, and loving," she said.

"What else would you like to say to today’s Miriam?" I continued.

"Keep going! Don’t give up! Don’t be afraid to be exposed. Being exposed is strength, not weakness."

"You’re Miriam today, hearing 10-year-old Miriam asking for you to pull her out. How do you respond?"

"I tell her: Don’t be afraid, I will take you to a safe place. I’m with you in all your feelings and emotions, that you feel so alone, detached, and drained. I’m with you. You’re not alone in these feelings."

"What does 10-year-old Miriam look like?" I asked.

"Color is returning to her face, and she feels relieved as if a thorn has been removed from her eye."

"Where are you both? What is happening between you? What is this experience?"

"We’re on a cloud, engaging in a very significant dialogue. I suddenly understand all the difficult experiences that 10-year-old Miriam is going through, and I am simply there with her."

"What does it feel like to understand her and be with her?" I asked.

"That anything is possible. I feel secure and happy. All the emptiness that was has sweetened. I can coexist with that emptiness peacefully, without needing to fight it, and it allows me to experience a wide range of emotions of all kinds that fill me up."

"And how does today’s Miriam look now?" I asked.

"Strong. She can step out of her nature, and now it’s just about applying her powers in reality. I feel that the unity is not just between today’s Miriam and 10-year-old Miriam, but also a unity between the cloud and the ground."

"What does that make you feel?"

"Much more stable. That I can go down to the ground, to reality, and leave 10-year-old Miriam on the cloud alone."

"What would you like to say to 10-year-old Miriam, whom you left alone on the cloud?" I asked.

"Don’t worry, I’m going down, applying my powers, and we’ll meet again soon," she said.

"I suddenly realize what’s happening here; every time I go up to the cloud, it’s a point where I reconnect with my inner child and give her the sense of presence she so lacked as a child. Every time I come back down, I’ll take that connection and apply it in reality with my children," she added with a sudden insight.

"At least until I feel the need to connect with her again," she continued.

"What is this need to connect?" I asked.

"Until 10-year-old Miriam calls me again when I experience that same feeling of absence that overwhelms me," she replied. "I must share with you that this whole process evokes in me the ability to hold opposites. That I can hold connection and disconnection, pleasant emotions with difficult emotions. This ability to hold both allows me a sense of wholeness."

"From that feeling, take yourself on a short journey through life. How do you see the future? Where does your imagination take you?" I asked.

"I’m no longer disconnecting every time I experience some feeling of alienation and lack of attention; I am stopping the retreat. This will allow me to give that sense of presence to my children, the same experience I gave to the child within me. I will be attentive to them, feel them, and feel connected to my husband," she responded.

"All those feelings you experienced here, in the process, were etched in your soul, and you can always return to that experience of unity, wholeness, and presence."

All details have been changed for privacy protection.

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

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