The Crumbs of Love: Why Small Gestures Sometimes Don’t Reach Us

"I am completely desperate. Tell me, do you think there are couples without chemistry? I look at other couples and see how their communication flows so naturally. Everything seems smooth and effortless. I have come to the conclusion that there is simply no chemistry between Mica and me. We never really manage to meet," Ornith said.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"I am very clear with him. I ask him to compliment me and to make small gestures that are important to me. I am literally teaching him how I want and need his attention as a partner," Ornith explained.

"That is actually very impressive," I said. "Your effort is admirable, and this kind of openness can lift a relationship several levels higher. Many women expect their partner to understand on his own what they need. But let me ask you something. Is Mica capable of doing what you are asking him to do?"

"First of all, I truly appreciate everything he does," she said. "He does a lot, and he doesn’t ignore my requests. But he only does these things because I asked him to. It does not come from him naturally. It feels inauthentic, almost fake, and that frustrates me."

"It sounds like he really loves you," I replied. "Why do you feel that it is not genuine?"

"I know he loves me," she answered. "But when he does things because I asked him to, or because you suggested it in the last session, it feels forced. It doesn’t feel enjoyable to me. As long as I don’t feel that it truly comes from him, I cannot fully believe or accept it."

"So if I understand you correctly," I said, "you are saying that as long as Mica’s words and actions do not come from a completely pure and genuine intention, they simply do not reach you."

"Exactly," she replied. "To me it has no real value. And the reason I feel such despair is that I have already stopped believing that this kind of genuine expression can exist between us. That is why I said we never really meet."

When Love Does Not Feel Real

"The despair you are describing is very significant," I said. "There is a deep sadness in realizing that you married a man who loves you but does not know how to express that love in a way that reaches you."

"And I am so tired of settling for these crumbs of love," she said, bursting into tears.

"Ornith, it is very important that this painful place inside you receives attention. But the response will not come through the movement of demanding absolute truth. The anger you feel toward yourself and toward Mica does not actually protect that wounded place."

"We will learn together how to deal with this difficulty of holding a partial reality. The sense of inauthenticity you feel is real, but it can change over time as truth gradually unfolds."

Allowing Truth to Grow

"How will it unfold?" she asked helplessly.

"For Mica to begin expressing appreciation and love in a way that feels more genuine to you, you first need to stop measuring him against a level he has not yet reached."

"It is true that your disappointment motivates him to try again and again. But if he repeatedly feels that his efforts never succeed, eventually he may simply stop trying."

"You cannot impose truth from above," I continued. "It must grow from the ground upward. Mica needs the opportunity to climb the ladder gradually."

"When you keep telling him that it is still not enough, or that if it does not come naturally it has no value, you unintentionally prevent that growth."

The Shell of Zeresh

"This pattern reflects something we call the shell of Zeresh," I explained.

"The shell of Zeresh?" Ornith asked.

"Yes. In the story of Purim, Zeresh told Haman that he would surely fall before Mordechai. Her words planted despair and convinced him that failure was inevitable. That attitude represents a shell of hopelessness, a lack of faith in the possibility of rising again."

"So what should I do instead?" she asked.

Appreciating Small Steps

"In the beginning, you need to learn to recognize and appreciate the small steps Mica is already taking. When those efforts are acknowledged, they gradually become internalized and more natural for him."

"When his attempts to change are dismissed or minimized, it creates another destructive pattern, one that can be described as a form of pride."

"Pride?" she asked.

"Yes. It becomes an all or nothing position. Either everything happens exactly the way you expect it, or it has no value at all. This is similar to what we call the shell of Haman."

The Shell of Haman

"Why the shell of Haman?" she asked.

"Haman rose to great power in the Persian kingdom, and everyone bowed before him. Only Mordechai refused to bow. Haman’s reaction was extreme. He said that all his power and honor meant nothing as long as Mordechai refused to bow to him."

"This attitude reflects a rigid condition. If things do not happen exactly on my terms, then none of it matters. When this mindset enters a relationship, it prevents growth and leads to stagnation."

Building a Foundation for Love

"When you learn to recognize and appreciate Mica’s efforts, you begin to correct both of these patterns. Instead of despair or rigid expectations, you create space for gradual development."

"This allows the relationship to build a stable foundation. From that foundation, deeper expressions of love and connection can continue to grow."

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor