Finding Genuine Connection: Overcoming Disappointment in Relationships

"I am completely desperate. Tell me, do you think there are couples without chemistry? I see the communication that other couples have, and how everything flows so smoothly. I’ve come to my conclusion that there’s just no chemistry between Mica and me; we never manage to meet," said Ornith.

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"I’m so clear with him. I ask him to compliment me and do various gestures that are important to me. I’m literally teaching him how I want and need his attention as a partner," Ornith explained.

"Wow, just know that’s really impressive, and your effort is commendable. This can really boost your relationship a few floors up. Do most women expect their man to figure out on his own what they need? Can he accomplish what you are asking him to do?" I asked.

"First of all, I need to express my gratitude for everything he does. He does a lot; he doesn’t ignore my requests. But he only does it because I told him to, it doesn’t come from him. It feels inauthentic, fake. It really frustrates me," she replied.

"It sounds like he really loves you. Why do you think it’s not genuine?" I asked her.

"I know he loves me. But he does things in a forced way, because I asked, or because you told him in the last meeting. It’s not enjoyable for me. As long as I don’t feel that it truly comes from him, I cannot believe and accept it from him," she answered with frustration.

"Correct me if I’m wrong, okay? You’re basically saying that as long as Mica’s words and actions don’t come from a fully genuine and pure intention, it just doesn’t reach you?" I asked.

"Exactly, just like that... To me, it’s not worth it. And all my despair comes from the fact that I have already stopped believing that it can happen for us in this relationship, and that’s why I told you we never manage to meet," she concluded.

"The despair and frustration you’re feeling are significant and very important. There's a lot of pain and sorrow that you agreed to marry a man who loves you but doesn’t know how to show it to you."

"And I’m so tired of settling for these ‘crumbs of love’ that I receive," she said and broke into tears.

"Ornith, it's very important that you receive a response to this place, but it won’t come through this movement of demanding absolute truth. All that anger towards yourself and towards Mica does not protect that painful place.

"We will learn together to deal with your inability to contain this partial reality, or the sense of inauthenticity you feel, until the truth starts to slowly unfold."

"How will it be revealed?" she asked helplessly.

"For Mica to begin to express his appreciation and show his love for you, you must first stop positioning and comparing him to a level that he doesn’t know and is not at.

"It is true that your disappointments in him make him try again and again to change, but if he doesn’t experience success, at some point he will just give up.

"It’s important to understand that you cannot impose the truth from above; you have to allow it to grow from the very bottom, and Mica needs to gradually climb up the ladder too.

"When you keep telling Mica that it’s not it, and if it doesn’t come from him it’s not worth it, you are actually not allowing him to grow. This is the shell of Zeresh," I said.

"The shell of Zeresh?" she asked.

"Yes. Zeresh instilled despair in Haman, and told him: ‘For you will surely fall.’ When he fell, she basically told him how hopeless he was, and that really is a shell of despair and lack of faith in the ability to rise again."

"So what am I supposed to do?" she asked.

"In the initial stage, you need to learn between yourself and him to appreciate the small steps he’s taking. This will help him internalize and adopt this movement towards you, until it slowly begins to feel natural."

"When you don’t appreciate Mica’s efforts to change, it’s a very toxic pride," I said.

"Pride?" she asked.

"Yes. Because it’s either your way or no way, all or nothing. This is already the shell of Haman," I said.

"Why the shell of Haman?" she asked.

"Haman rose to greatness where all the subjects in the kingdom bowed to him. Mordechai was the only one who refused to bow down, and he experienced it as 'none of this is worth it to me.' There’s a kind of condition here: only if it’s on your terms – can it happen; then there’s no development, and this leads the relationship to stagnation."

"Dealing with Mica here will allow you to correct both the shell of Zeresh and the shell of Haman by learning to appreciate and accept what he does for you. This will create a foundation for the relationship upon which you can build more levels."

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hanna Dayan [email protected]

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