Behind the Perfect Couple: When a Relationship Becomes an Image

"I and Riki are complete opposites. Maybe that’s why we don’t get along," David said.

"What do you mean by opposites?" I asked.

"The most important thing for her is what others think about us. She cares about posting pictures and videos of us on every social network. She shares only a few carefully staged moments where we look happy and enviable."

"But I know it’s all one big lie. She knows it too, and I’m tired of living inside that lie," David said.

"For him, it doesn’t bother him at all that every guest who enters our home witnesses our ugly arguments," Riki replied. "He cannot step outside himself and understand that it is uncomfortable for others to see us this way. People don’t want to be around that."

"I prefer to be completely real," David said. "Anyone who finds it difficult can simply choose not to be around us. I’m not willing to keep living in a relationship that feels like a disguise."

The Role of Masks in Relationships

"Disguises and masks are not necessarily a bad thing," I said.

"What?" David asked in surprise.

"You could even say that disguises and masks are essential to life. They are part of the human experience," I explained.

"I don’t understand," David said. "Why should our relationship need a disguise? Why can’t it just be open and honest in front of everyone? I’m not afraid of that."

"It isn’t really about fear," I replied. "The marital bond between you contains a great light. The external image of the relationship acts as a protective layer that preserves your privacy and helps the outside world accept your relationship."

"Imagine if every argument and every unresolved issue were exposed to everyone around you. People who are not truly close to you would not be able to contain that reality. Many of them would simply distance themselves."

"In that sense, the outer wrapping creates a protective boundary. It allows the outside world to connect with your relationship without being overwhelmed by its private struggles."

"So you’re basically justifying me," Riki said.

When the Mask Becomes the Relationship

"No," I answered. "When someone holds onto the outer image too tightly, the disguise itself can become the relationship. When that happens, there is no access to the healing process that could address the deeper pain inside the relationship."

"Instead, all the energy goes into maintaining the outer appearance of health."

"This is why people are often shocked when they see a couple who appear perfect suddenly get divorced. From the outside, everything looked wonderful. They seemed to communicate effortlessly and to fit together perfectly."

"But in reality they had become prisoners of the image of their relationship. They felt pressure to maintain that image at all times. They had to be the couple who always smiled at each other, left romantic notes, and constantly demonstrated affection in visible ways."

"When the image becomes everything, it becomes almost impossible to remove the mask."

"Why?" Riki asked.

The Fear of Removing the Mask

"Because removing the mask threatens the image that has been built with so much effort and emotional investment," I explained.

"When someone becomes deeply identified with that image, it begins to feel like the relationship itself. Letting go of the mask feels like letting go of the connection."

"So what are we supposed to do?" Riki asked anxiously.

Developing Emotional Flexibility

"The goal is to develop flexibility in your inner world," I said. "You need to free yourselves from being enslaved to the image of the relationship."

"When a relationship is controlled by its image, it restricts its growth. The relationship cannot develop naturally."

"A healthy relationship includes different states. Sometimes you will appear as a loving and romantic couple. Other times you will be a couple that struggles, that argues, and that feels confused or discouraged."

"Both of those states belong to the same relationship."

"It still isn’t clear to me," Riki said. "How do we actually break free from this?"

Recognizing the Vulnerable Point

"The first step is recognizing the vulnerable point of your relationship," I explained. "Until now the relationship has been built mainly around the image, around the disguise."

"Recognizing that reality is the necessary first step. Only then can you gradually begin to loosen that disguise, both in front of yourselves and in front of your environment."

Riki began to cry.

"Riki," I said gently, "we are not going to throw away the disguise. Your effort has not been wasted."

"This image protected you. It shielded you from the pain of realizing that the relationship is not perfect. It protected you from the fear that if others saw your struggles, it would feel like an official confirmation that the relationship had failed."

She continued to cry.

The Real Need Beneath the Image

"In order to develop true flexibility," I continued, "we need to understand the real desire that lies beneath this image."

"Riki, what do you truly need?"

"I want to be seen and loved," she said quietly. "I want to feel significant and recognized within the relationship."

"That is very important," I replied. "And together we will learn how to reach that place without relying on external approval from the outside world."

"The environment may admire the image of your relationship, but it cannot validate the deep connection between your souls."

Seeing Beyond the Mask

"Do not misunderstand me. Disguises do have an important place. In Jewish tradition they even appear as a meaningful symbol."

"The disguise represents a shell that protects what is inside. But its purpose is not to hide the truth forever. Its purpose is to protect the inner light until we are ready to reveal it."

"Our task is to learn to see beyond the disguise. To gently peel back the outer shell and discover the soul and the great light that exists beneath it."

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor