Navigating Relationships: Finding Balance and Connection

"Efrat, I really don’t understand what your problem is. I have no demands from you and I’m not coming at you with any accusations, I’m just happy and content that we’re together. Why can’t you feel that way too?", Amir exclaimed.

"Because that’s not what I need! Why don’t you understand that? I’m glad we’re together, but I don’t feel that togetherness just because we’re married. In fact, I often feel exploited," she replied.

"Exploited? I’m not asking you for anything, I’m fluttering around and moving mountains for you, and you’re the one who feels exploited? It just feels like to be with you, I have to want infinity. You’re never satisfied, and I don’t see any different future on the horizon," Amir got really upset.

"Let’s take a moment to look at the general psychological structure of men and women, typically, and from that we’ll try to better understand the emotional needs in a relationship.

"Amir, when you and Efrat fight, and then Efrat goes to sleep at her friend’s house – how do you feel?" I asked.

"I feel half a person without her, and I don’t understand why she’s torturing me like this. I feel like I don’t want to do anything when she abandons me like that," Amir responded.

"And how do you feel when Efrat is with you and happy in your relationship?" I asked.

"I feel filled with energy, I have the strength to do things," he answered.

"Efrat, what drives Amir is a very intense sense of loss. When he found you, he felt he found what he lost, and that sense of loss disappeared. It makes him calm and allows him to feel secure in the relationship, and he can build a home."

"So why don’t I feel that? I feel so lonely in this relationship," she replied.

"Wait, let’s summarize his side first. He, for his part, holds you in his heart all the time, even if he doesn't say it and doesn’t see you. For him, you’re together, and he doesn’t need to look for proof of that."

"This makes his behavior very understandable and clear," Efrat said.

"Efrat, when Amir met you, did you immediately respond to him when he wanted you?" I asked.

"What do you think? I wanted to know that he was serious, that he really wanted me," she answered.

"How did you really know he wanted you?" I asked.

"He was very sensitive and attentive to me, always cared for me and treated me endlessly. I felt how much I was missing from his life when I wasn’t there."

"Exactly. The fulfillment of a woman in a relationship doesn’t happen in a linear fashion like a man’s, but in cyclical pulses. You identified that Amir can fill your points of lack, that he has that ability, and that’s why you agreed to his courtship."

"I feel like all that courtship stopped the moment we got married," she complained.

"What? How can you say that? Who initiates all the dinners, the hotels, and everything possible in our relationship?" Amir was really upset.

"Wait, we need to understand the nuances here. When you got Efrat and you married, for you, you relaxed, you got what you wanted, and you no longer need to search for what you lost. All of Efrat’s complaints, including her leaving home to her friend’s, is a kind of desperate attempt to bring you back to that feeling of searching for what you lost. She mentally remembers that you provided her with a response to her lack, and she’s trying to restore that."

"Are you serious? Why would she do that?" Amir asked.

"A woman doesn’t have a natural sense of ‘togetherness’ in a relationship. She naturally feels separate, and she needs your presence. When you two are together, and you’ve already provided a response to your need, while she remains lacking, she’s essentially starving while you’re satisfied."

"So what do we do?" Efrat asked.

"The work needs to be twofold. Amir, you need to first learn to return to that feeling of lack you experienced before you got married, and learn to develop sensitivity and attunement to Efrat’s points of lack.

"Efrat, you need to learn to recognize your point of lack and know how to communicate it correctly. Not through accusations or complaints, but through proper communication of this need. The joint work will allow a relationship that functions well, where both partners feel fulfilled and calm."

All details have been changed for privacy protection.

Hana Dayan[email protected]

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