"Efrat, I really don’t understand what your problem is. I have no demands from you and I’m not coming at you with any accusations. I’m simply happy and content that we’re together. Why can’t you feel that way too?" Amir exclaimed.

"Because that’s not what I need. Why don’t you understand that?" she replied. "I’m glad we’re together, but I don’t feel that togetherness just because we’re married. In fact, I often feel exploited."

"Exploited? I’m not asking you for anything. I’m fluttering around and moving mountains for you, and you’re the one who feels exploited? It feels like to be with you I have to want infinity. You’re never satisfied, and I don’t see any different future on the horizon," Amir said angrily.

Understanding Different Emotional Structures

"Let’s take a moment to look at the general psychological structure of men and women, and from there try to understand the emotional needs within a relationship."

"Amir, when you and Efrat fight and she goes to sleep at her friend’s house, how do you feel?" I asked.

"I feel like half a person without her. I don’t understand why she’s torturing me like this. When she leaves like that, I feel like I don’t want to do anything," Amir responded.

"And how do you feel when Efrat is with you and happy in the relationship?" I continued.

"I feel full of energy. I suddenly have the strength to do things," he answered.

"Efrat, what drives Amir is a very strong sense of loss. When he found you, he felt he had found what he had been missing, and that sense of loss disappeared. It calms him and gives him security in the relationship. From there he feels he can build a home."

"So why don’t I feel that?" she replied. "I feel so lonely in this relationship."

"Let’s first finish understanding Amir’s side. From his perspective, you are always in his heart, even when he doesn’t say it and even when he doesn’t see you. For him, you are together, and he doesn’t need constant proof of that."

"This actually makes his behavior much more understandable," Efrat said.

Courtship and the Woman’s Experience

"Efrat, when Amir first met you, did you immediately respond to him when he pursued you?" I asked.

"What do you think? Of course not. I needed to know that he was serious, that he really wanted me," she answered.

"And how did you know he truly wanted you?" I asked.

"He was very attentive and sensitive to me. He constantly cared for me and treated me with endless attention. I felt how much I was missing from his life when I wasn’t there."

"Exactly. A woman’s sense of fulfillment in a relationship doesn’t operate in a straight line like a man’s. It moves in cycles and pulses. You recognized that Amir could respond to your points of lack, that he had the ability to meet those needs, and that is why you accepted his courtship."

"I feel like that courtship stopped the moment we got married," she said.

"What? How can you say that? Who organizes the dinners, the hotels, and everything else in our relationship?" Amir protested.

The Difference Between Satisfaction and Longing

"We need to understand the subtle difference here. Amir, once you married Efrat, you relaxed. From your perspective, you found what you were searching for. The sense of loss that drove you before the marriage disappeared."

"Efrat’s complaints, including leaving to stay with her friend, are actually a desperate attempt to bring you back to that earlier feeling of searching. She remembers how you responded to her needs then, and she is trying to restore that experience."

"Are you serious? Why would she do that?" Amir asked.

"A woman does not naturally experience the relationship as permanent togetherness in the same way a man does. She often feels a sense of separation and needs to feel your active presence again and again."

"So when you feel satisfied and secure while she still feels lacking, it creates a painful gap. In a sense, you feel full while she feels emotionally hungry."

Learning to Meet Each Other’s Needs

"So what do we do?" Efrat asked.

"The work has to happen on two levels.

"Amir, you need to reconnect with that sense of longing you had before marriage and learn to develop greater sensitivity to Efrat’s points of need."

"Efrat, you need to learn to recognize your feelings of lack and communicate them properly. Not through accusations or complaints, but through clear expression of your emotional needs."

"When both of you work together in this way, the relationship can become a place where both partners feel seen, fulfilled, and calm."

All details have been changed for privacy protection.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor