I Feel Like Your Mother, Not Your Wife

"I feel like I have another child here. I’m fed up, Dudi. I feel like your mother, not your wife," Zehava said angrily.

"I honestly don’t know what that means. I’m doing everything you want," Dudi replied uncertainly.

"That’s exactly the problem. I’m tired of you pleasing me, and I’m tired of having to tell you everything. When will you take ownership of this relationship, this home, these kids? I feel like a single mom, and you’re just another burden I have to manage."

"I’ve been trying for so many years to connect you to the role of being a husband, being a father. You just don’t want that role, I understand," her angry tone slowly softened into despair.

When a Marriage Turns Into a Parent Child Dynamic

"Zehava, you’re not tired of this role for no reason. This dynamic damages the couple’s relationship. It creates a distorted structure of mother and son instead of a true spousal connection."

"What can be done?" Dudi asked helplessly.

"First of all, the situation you’re in as a couple is indeed very difficult. On one hand, you cannot continue like this. On the other hand, it may feel like there is no other way."

"What is the other way?" Zehava asked.

"It is the corrected structure in which a marital relationship should exist. The man needs to be the one who influences the relationship by giving his wife strength, stability, and security."

"And what does the woman need?" Dudi asked impatiently.

"She needs to be connected to her feminine needs and to communicate them properly to her husband."

"So basically I need to stop being his mother, and he needs to stop being my child," Zehava summarized.

"Yes. And I wish it were that simple, that it could happen just by deciding."

"But in order to change this dynamic, we must understand the deeper root that causes each of you to fall into the roles of mother and child. Without understanding the root and learning how to work with it, any change will remain superficial, exhausting, and temporary. It will only increase the despair in the relationship."

"Zehava, what makes you take on the role of the mother?" I asked.

"Because he behaves like a child, so I have no choice. I have to be the mom," she replied.

The Hidden Sense of Lack in Relationships

"Let’s try to understand the psychological structures that each of you brings into the relationship."

"You both entered the relationship with a deep sense of lack, and that sense of lack is actually the point that connects you."

"In the psychological structure of a man, the feeling of lack appears when he is alone and searching for what he feels he is missing. Once he finds it, as long as the relationship is stable and not threatened, that sense of lack fades. He feels that his wife is part of him, and in this way his sense of lack is filled."

"I don’t understand," Dudi said. "Is it not the same for Zehava? Isn’t it enough for us just to be together?"

"Her psychological structure works differently. A woman often continues to experience a sense of lack even within the relationship. She does not automatically feel that you are included with her. Instead, she often feels a sense of separation."

"For that reason, she needs from time to time, in different ways and intensities, reassurance and confirmation that you are truly present with her in the relationship."

Why the Courtship Felt Different

"When you were pursuing Zehava," I continued, "you experienced a strong sense of longing. You felt that you needed her deeply, and because of that you knew how to give her focused attention and affirmation."

"That is why sometimes Zehava unconsciously undermines the relationship by threatening separation or divorce. She is trying to bring you back to that earlier place of longing, hoping that you will once again feel the same intensity of desire and attention that you showed during the courtship."

"But how does that turn us into a mother and child?" Dudi asked.

How Distrust Creates Role Reversal

"Zehava’s disappointment that you no longer provide the affirmation she needs, and your disappointment with her constant criticism and threats of separation, have created a deep system of distrust."

"Distrust in yourselves and distrust in each other. From that distrust, the roles in the relationship gradually reversed."

"When you, Zehava, become Dudi’s mother, you include him within you as a child. In that position you no longer need him to prove that you are together. You avoid the painful experience of loneliness."

"And you, Dudi, when you take on the role of the child, you no longer need to constantly provide affirmation to the relationship. It releases you from facing a painful feeling that you cannot give Zehava what she needs."

All details have been changed to protect privacy.

Hannah Dayan, Relationship Counselor